Chapter Thirty Eight: Our Rainbow Of Discontent

I'm so tired of waiting for my life to begin
I keep growing weary and the air is growing thin
My skin is getting Paler and my eyes are caving in
I don't know where I'm starting but i just might
step out into the darkness and ignite
would anyone miss me when the sparks stop falling
would anyone notice when the I'm exploding
and the world stops glowing?
would you notice in my absence
that your missing something right
did you notice in the shadows
that your world is less bright
do you seem to care that i vanished into thin air
did you even feel it when i slipped into your despair
no one ever asked why i kept my rib cage open
there's only so many ways a heart can be broken
and i'd feel it all for you, for you, i'd swallow the ocean
and you never blinked when you watched me slip away
you never noticed i was missing and you never looked away
a feeling so intensely can be so easily dismissed
as a color in the rainbow of our shallow discontent
and you never even asked why i left my chest torn open
there's only so many ways that a heart can be broken
and i'd feel it all for you, for you, i would swallow the ocean
and now the world is dimmer as you move further now away
and i'm calling softly after but you can't hear me say
as i ask "am i, your anything?"

--
I keep falling in and out of love with life. People keep fading in and out and i'm only coming through in waves
the reception is getting fuzzier the signals have decayed, or maybe i'm just dreaming, or maybe i'm awake but i cannot tell quite clearly whats genuine whats fake, and in my wildest dreaming i could not foresee this amplifying emptyness that makes its home in me. with everyday i grow colder with everyday more bleak. the universe is fading to pastel as we say farewell to vibrance and ennui -

i weep for the lost friends, and take joy in the day as i feel less and less blessed and more and more plagued.

Chapter 37: all that glitters is not gold.

Its been almost 4 months since i last spoke to Austen. And theres nothing left but a blackhole where a heart once was. I dont know wha it is about me that always falls for the unavialable, but it sickens me to know that for whatever reason i was not good enough. But someone else, who i dont know, who probably is a really nice person, is. But that person isn't me. It seems to be my lot in life that the moment i become attached is when things go to hell in a handbasket for me. I'm the proverbial last stop on the bus before you get to happily ever after. I could have been the best thing ever, that could have been my be all end all. But now what could have been is a pile of ashe smoldering away as what was is no more. I did nothing whatsoever, forgave when others would condemn, loved when most would have left, and cared when noone else would give a damn. And still it was all for naught as i watched with my own two eyes as what was my reason for living was so frivelously traded away and regarded as nothing of value. I will never understand what it is about me that makes other people think i'm disposable but i know i will not allow myself to care again. not for a long time at least. My soul burns red with regret and anger, that i was not good enough, when i was the best i could be. Why wasn't it enough, and why does everything i touch turn to shit. I guess some things i will never comprehend, one thing i try to understand but keep coming up with no answers for. It vexes me that i have no answers to explain to myself what went wrong, perhaps nothing went wrong perhaps i was clinging to something that was never destined to be. But how could that be, when it was the closest thing to real that i've ever seen? I cry to the universe "is there hope out there for me" or am i just destined forever to dance in misery?

Chapter Thirty Six :Love and morphine

I've been out of the hospital for almost a week now. Im still not able to lift any thing over 5lbs by order of the doctor but i can do most everything else. Im home bound for the while but soon enough life will return to something like it used to be. But i will never be the same. Whatever god or force that saved us that night has a plan. And I beg to know what that is. Its amazing how when you come so close to dying even those you were distanced from the ones that truely care come back to your aid in a heart beat. Before that fateful night i was almost certain Austen and I were a thing of the past. But the moment i started to doubt my chances of making it i asked for him out of instinct. After my mom and family had arrived he was the first person i wanted there. Much to my surprise he wanted to be there to. Maybe it was the morphine talking maybe it was the mindset that i might easily slip into deaths cold embrace at any moment. But i confessed i loved him. After two days of non stop visitation he had to leave. And ive missed him every moment since. I cant go a day without talking to him via text message or i feel an emptyness. I dont know how it happened but i care about him as i have for only one other person in the past before. Brian. I feel it stronger than with anyone else ive been with since, even David zich, i thought i was in love with David , as it turns out i was just very well played as he intended. But Austen doesnt play games ( outside of the bedroom), my mom doesnt like him very much because were not exclusive but something tells me thats only a matter of time. For whatever reason we keep falling back together, initially what started as a one night stand ended up becoming something ....real. Were highly compatible ( were both pisces) we have so much in common and yet so much to learn from each other. Its odd how someone thats so not my usual type has become someone that i cant stop thinking about no matter how hard i try. I think it may e that ive found someone that i need to stay with for a while. And yet another thing thats pulling me away from north carolina. I talked to Brittany about it today, she only remembers the way we were before the accident, she told me to e cautious, as he didnt want a relationship with me before. But now it feels as if something has changed, i think hes realized that we both have a lot to offer each other and i think he knows now that im true to who i am, and i would only do right by him. And whatever scars he carries from past relationships i can help mend. But that i am worthy of letting in, and wont hurt him like so many others have hurt him because i know what its like. But for now im fine with undefined. One day god willing it will be more.

Chapter Thirty Five: Its alive

Its been a while since my last post. I was driving with Britany as our usual routine goes. We had gotten a pack of cigarettes at our usual kangaroo, then proceeded to the big city of greensboro. we went over the railroad tracks and such , and down through the city. We took a eft turn down friendly, the last thing i remember passing under was the mendenhall intersection. then we sat at a light for a little bit. I felt uneasy and poppe my feet up upon the dashboard. Then i saw the lights headed towards us. I turned to Brittany about ot say watch out. But as soon as i turned. I felt the cars collide with great force. I can still hear the screeching tires the twisting metal and exploding glass. And suddenly the time passed slower than the shards and shattered glass flying around us. I held my breath close within my chest as i felt the impact force it from my grip. It felt like a sack of hammers to the stomach. The smooth chill of the gas as it passed by my upperlip, the carress of the dash as it collided with both our skulls. the cocophony of silence that precluded that moment will live in memory forever as a haunting reminder. we embraced the night air as the last death bell rang out in the distant that surrounded our shrouds of metal wreckage. nothing human could describe the horrific view i saw. I felt myself gasping for the breath i had held for so long, i slowly regained it and tore off the seatbelt. I looked to my left and my right trying to see though my visions were blurring. I turned and looked at Brittany and saw her lying lifelss next to me. blood trickling down her nose and from her mouth. I called out her name she didnt answer. i slapped her cheek to wake her. she did not revive. I felt her neck she had a pulse. i tried to help her out. I felt around the steering panel and felt a gap where the dash met the wheel. I pulled with all my might, lacerating my hands. A stranger had come upon the window asking me questions i continued trying to save my friend. I thought she was going to die right there and it scared the hell out of me. I remember echoing back call 911. and get an ambulance she has a pulse. but shes not conscious. And then being forced to shimmy out of the gap in the vehichle at the threat that it would explode with me in it. I must have repeated myself a million times that night. as if in some eternal test. I called for my mother on the roadside. and then i called for my brother who lived close. we were taken to moses cone hospital not far from the collision. the entire highway shut down. The whole way asking myself why i was the only one who had survived to witness all of this horror. And then we arrived at the hospital. I was still picking glass from myself. and i suddenly doubled over in pain. they had me through the CT scan at least 4 times before they found the source of the pain was my perforated abdomine. I saw my mom for a few moments of shocking reveal before they set me up for surgery. I remember telling them to put my priortiy level after Brittany knowing she would need assistance faster and i could hang on for a decade. I went in for surgery. and dreamt in blcak for hours until i came to. I awoke surrounded by my mother brother Victor and my sister. I had requested Austen be called before the surgery began , and much to my surprise he walked in. Its been four or five days and the memory is still as fresh as the glass in my hair. or the staples in my stomach, but i looked at the wreckage photos and still have to wonder how it is we survived. Perhaps theres not a fairy tale on the other side of death. maybe there is , but somethings out there watching and it wants me to live. Im just glad i could assist my friend. people keep saying i saved her life. but i cant seem to agree. I just wish it had never happened. I have never been more scared in my life before. and not of the death but of something different. i cant put my finger on.

Chapter Thirty Four: Scattering the ashes

Picking up the pieces is hard enough, but not as hard as sallowing the pride that drives you. Driving you with the desire to take the shards and hurl them, instead of putting them back into position so fragile that it wears on your skin like an antique wedding dress. It's been a while and time drags by but it does not disappoint. I havent written anything on the show past the death of blakes character and storyline. Ive got a grand total of half an episode, and over a month and a half ( i think) has passed. Partly because i have nothing more to say that hasn't already been said, but also because i need to rethink my approach on spectrum. My storyline cant take up the focus of a story like that. I only bring this up because i made such realizations at about 5:30 today. I was with Birttany going to barnes and noble and who do you think was lurking amongst the aisles of overpriced teen romance novels and other indesclosable filth. "hey you guys" she smugly greeted from behind. There were two distinct emotions radiating from her voice. one was intimidation, the other outward defiance. the type of distinct resonance that comes from someone when they are enticing someone but know they are asking to get their ass kicked. I responded coldly "hi" in unison with Brittany and walked away. there was no hatred welling up. no butterflies in my stomach restraining me from saying the most belittling viscious things i could imagine on the spot. Just an empty vaccum where once there was the will to care either way. It was as if i was saying hello to the whispers of the wind. It dawned upon me that i have finally reached the antiphasis of realization that Im beyond petty things. Its been a wierd time for me. I feel as though im just starting to grasp the sense that their is some meaning to everything, and perhaps im supposed to be here. But life keeps throwing curve balls at me. My car broke down on friendly and i had to have it towed. work is working me all day everyday. i had a pet squirrel it died. And the day i got my car back i almost caught the house on fire.

Needless to say worrying about the mellodrama of Blake is the least important item on my to do list. Or david zich for that matter. I had the displeasure of encountering him for what im assuming will be the last time. I find it rather humorous that he is on Adam 4 Adam browsing when he supposedly found his alledged soul mate. I cant deny that things are challenging. But it feels as though im in a bizzarre place where i dont care about finding anything, and at the same time, i feel most alone, most understood. Truely i am the veteran of the discard pile, forever unclaimed. Forever sifted over rejected. I refuse to get my hopes up on happy change, i no longer think it can exist for me. I find it ironic, ive stopped quite a few of the people i know from commiting suicide, but cant find a valid arguement for why i shouldnt end my life. I hope to god theres a reason for being here. I would hate to think that death is such a bad shot.

Chapter Thirty Three: Stronger than yesterday

In my last post, i was on the verge of what could have been the most ignorant move i ever made. I was close to getting attached emotionally with Austen. Although i severely miss cuddling and having sex with him, I'm happy my brain caught up to my heart who was going a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction. I did end up getting emotionally attached, but in a less self harming way. Im glad i stopped before i fell in love. I had the unfortunate conversation with Austen, where i asked him whether or not, it was worth exloring, and heres what he responded. "your really sweet dusitn, and i do believe we have a lot in common, but i dont see you as more than a friend, your a really great guy and i definitely think of you as more than a booty call, but believe when i say im just not boyfriend material, i still want to be your friend and i understand if you want to cut the benefits no hard feelings". A part of me was hurting and a part of me was free. I felt so close to him, i shared more than just my time and my body with him. I shared a small part of my soul, and he wasn't afraid to accept me as i was. I really liked this one, primarily because i saw so much of myself reflected in him. so of course i felt defeated. But in the end, i know he wants to go back home to D.C. eventually and im not going to be in a position to do that, im not ever going to be in a position to make someone choose between me and their dreams. And i dont know if i could have gone on longer with him, and not fallen for him head over heels, and then if we broke up i would have been devestated. not long ago after this conversation i set up an Adam4Adam account. It Blew Uppppp. Lots of creepy older guys, quite a few young lovelies. I also saw whilst browsing some surprising developments including, old acquaintences, and some nefarious characters, whose identities i have previously disclosed in prior chapters. Namely David Zich. I find it THOROUGHLY amusing, that he was preaching how he'd found his soulmate ( twice mind you) after fucking me over royaly, and flaunting his presumed mutual happiness, and yet, he was cruising on Adam4Adam . But i digress . The horizons arent as bleak and meaningless and vindictively satisfying as it would seem, there is genuinely good news. I met a very cute emo guy, by the name of Tony. We talked a lot, and instead of exchanging pictures of our genetalia as is apparantly the custom on such a website. We exchanged meaningful conversations and poetry, after a few days, we exchanged phone numbers. we texted everyday for the next week and a half to two weeks. ( i dont keep good track of time elapsed or else ill realize how long ive been on the planet without advancing very much) We finally went on a date last night, I met him for coffee at starbucks and we watched the vow, it was the most normal run of the mill date experience. I never thought i could enjoy that. We talked even more, he was much cuter in person, and such a gentleman, he drove me to and fro, and payed my way, even though i had money and would have been more than happy to do so myself. At the end of the night, we hugged and kissed and said goodbye and i felt fulfilled, and i hadn't gone back to his place or degraded myself I was proud of myself for such restraint, but even more amazed that even though i knew he wanted to go farther, he didnt persue it. ( i wont disclose how i know this lets just say i know based upon certain developments shall we say. ) It was absolutely adorable. Im definitely seeing Tony again sometime very soon. I will try my best to keep from being a slut, but im definitely lying if i said i didnt want to. But i think this one may be someone to hold on to

Chapter Thirty Two: Bearing the cross

Life is complex sometimes you wonder if its worth it. Theres a lot of debate as to who carries this big gay diverse community. Though its not particularly easy for any of us its broken down quite simply by what straight men (who incidentally are the ones who make most of the laws in our country or the world in general). The ones most appealing are the lipstick lesbians, who unequivocably are reveered as something that is erotically stimulating to straight males. Then there are transgender male to femal or even female to male individuals that are accepted with a metaphorically quivering handshake. This is perhaps based on the ideology that you may have been a man or woman before but you look hot now that your in the right body for your mind, ill overlook what i wish i didnt know and be sure to burn the baby pictures so i can sleep with you. Next on the higherarchy is the butch lesbian, they are overtly gay and not in an attractive "let me watch you" way, but still not entirely vile to the opposing community. This is perhaps due to the fact that they are one of the boys they can kick back drink beer and chase women and work on cars and compare sports bracketts. Not completely adored but not entirely reviled. Then theres the fence player, hated, loved, respected and feared. The bisexual be it male or woman, the woman is hot to the oposite community because theres the possibility of a threesome or at least the fantasy, and that plausibility makes it arousing. The bisexual man serves another more important but highly corrupt purpose. They bear the banner of hope, that maybe just maybe a gay man can be converted through jesus , through strip clubs or some other ridiculous means to enjoy vagina. This is not so, another reason they are wearily accepted into any community and viewed as a traitor to either cause is, very very very rarely , im talking sightings of lochness monster rare, is there a truely 50/50 bisexual, and at that lots of gay men come out first as "bisexual" because of the concept of distant hope. This brings us to the masculine or straight acting Gay man, a man who is often in danger or in other words down right closeted, while i dont endorse embracing cliches or being a stereotype just for the sake of being a stereotype we must address that most so called "masculine gay men" are to some extent posing, after all you dont look so straight with my cock in your mouth now do you as the old joke goes. The gay man that is allowed to play sports and takes a beard to prom but puts on their trench coat and wanders into the gay bar on sunday nights when theyre supposed to be in choir practice. Im not saying that its bad to be masculine but to swear off anything that may make people know your gay or may bring attention to you or possibly cause you to be denied entry in the republican party is just simply being closeted and denying your true nature. Last but not least this brings us to the last subgroup which is sectioned off in many different ways but all such divisions are all first and foremost part of the greater label that is "the effeminate gay guy". Girls love them they are the newest fashion statement, they are well dressed brave and brash. Youve seen them on television and in film. the sissy, the twink, the showtune singing ones. the make up wearing ones. the lisped talkers. the drag wearers. The guys that are tormented in highschool, the guys that are the voice and image of our community. negative or positive we feminine gays have brought us to the now. And we did it all while designing the fall line, and writing poems and of course snatching up the lead roles. We get the hate we get the jokes, we get the names we arent allowed to bring our boyfriends to dances, we arent allowed to play soccer with the rest of the boys. We are the ones who brought class to the community. We are the strongest players in the community, because we represent what is most taboo. Open advertisement. the worst part is they all have a special brand of hate for us, but we cant help it we wont hide it, we are who we are and we arent afraid of it, we sing our highest notes, and we dance like its the last moment well get to do it. We are the unashamed. We are the ultimate outcast because we represent something that is honestly genderless. Our sex is male, our prefference is the same, but our gender is somewhere in the grey area. we arent female or male like a transgender, we arent a guy with a guys mind who happens to like other guys. but we arent women either. we like to use what nature granted us between our legs, we like to party like everyone else, we represent what is in fact the most inclusive of all genres. the melting pot of diversity. What sad is we feel the most pain because we are the label. we wear our personality for everyone to notice and judge without a word being said. We face the brutality ahead from the unaccepting and we overcome the most obstacles because we are the most repulsive to the opposite community. We do all this, and even within the community we are looked down on, weve carried the cross and brought us all to a world where equality is within our grasps and they didnt even say thank you... Im proud to be who i am , and im unashamed to say "your welcome"

Chapter Thirty One: a broken Hallelujah

overthrown, i am quite withdrawn for what is to come. I know im going to end up hurting but goddamn it im going to dare to smile again. Im happy, legitimately happy. I have no illusions to what i am in his eyes but im happy regardless that im not just a one night stand, or a pawn in some ridiculous scheme to get back emotionally at someone else, or just a drunken lay. For the past three nights ive been hooking up with Austen. Im a hopeless cause, i keep convincing myself that im going to save myself the heartache and detach myself from feeling anything. But maybe just maybe i deserve the brief rush i get from opening up my heart to trust another person to take it. Everyones got baggage but with this, whatever you want to call it, theres no unpacking, its an odd feeling to fuck someone and have mutual respect for them. For the first time in a long time i topped someone, which makes a grand total of three guys in my entire sexual career that ive topped. And it feels as though he is apprehensive, he may see me as more now than he did before. Its quite possible that he might actually give a shit, im not going to say that becase i dont know for sure, but its safe to say being completley detached emotionally has recently become impossible. Last night i took him to a party at my brothers, and we spent most of the party at least an hour and a half making out on the balcony, and he didnt give a shit who was watching. after about thrity minutes of actual socializing we went back to Austens apartment. We fooled around a little kissed a lot and then he asked me to fuck him. We used three condoms that night. It was very good, he came first ....again.  After that we cuddled  for a few hours and fell asleep. My phone alarm went off at twelve waking us out of a dead sleep and since we were already awake, we fooled around a little more, then went back to sleep for a few hours. when i awoke the second time it was five o clock, i gave him a back massage,  he gave me head, and the next thing i knew there was only one condom left in the pack of i think fifteen that we bought the day before yesterday. He walked me out as it was time to go, i had a cigarette and we talked for a while. I made the decision to say goodbye and went on my way and made it back home at eight oclock after attending to some business. Its a very vulgar relationship we have but it was nothing romantic for me until last night. Its as if he read my mind and telepathically knew what it would take to make me want more. Perhaps i shouldnt have stayed the night, but I dont give two shits, I cant wait to do it again. I dont care if theres never a label to it. I dont care if its not facebook official. I do in fact like him a lot, fuck everyone else at this point because im more than content. And i honestly think hes incapable of hurting me the way we are now. Its a perfect balance, that is all i have to report right now.

Chapter Thirty : we all fall down , some of us should just stay down

Ive gotten to the end of my patience with Blake Isley, Ive been called out, Im tired of the bullshit, tired of being fucked with, trying to be subtle is just another reason shes full of shit. If your going to say something to someone , dont post it on your ex friends wall, dont try to make a statement, dont get your stepdad of two months to threaten to kill me, Dont send a fucking letter claiming that your more mature and that im a terrible person or that brittany and srah are terrible when we have all bailed your ass out on more than one occasion, dont run over someones foot and run the fuck away. You dont  try to be friends with Brittanys step sister when youve done nothing but talk shit about her in the past before. And then claim none of us are capable of talking things out or being civil, when your the one trying to fuck with the lives of people that have washed their hands of you. I am not straight , if i were i could do much better than Blake Isley, I do not do drugs, but i know damn well she does, and she hangs out with a cocaine addict who used to sell in high school. Talk shit about me, no big deal, send me a contrived letter, no big deal, but do not pretend like im the devil when you cant face up to the fact that you sank your friendships and became a psychotic bitch, stay out of my life or there will be consequences. Some people just dont know when to quit knocking on deaths door, i was done with her as a friend when i told her she was dead to me, so why does she continue to seek all of us out. I may not be perfect i have a lot of misdeeds to account for but dont lie about me, especially when i will be forthright and admit my actions as my own, when you cant admit when your wrong and still think your right. i was content to leave this along, but when you refuse to quit, your just begging for me to retaliate and i can ruin a life i have the technology, i dont relish being a bitch but if its brought out, I WILL GO THERE, and in case you didnt know or notice, your a little pestulance of a maggot at the bottom of the food chain, and IM AN APEX PREDATOR. And i hope to god she sees this because im not scared. and i wont be intimidated and im not one to be trifled with, this is the last warning, your ignorance of it is not my problem you should know not to fuck with people and ive let a lot of shit pass over, but im done with being passive, if you want me to i will stoop to your level and beat you at your own game.

chapter twenty nine: Children of Circumstance

I celebrated my birthday last night. Nineteen years old and it seems like at the same time its been just minutes , and yet as if its been a millinea. My friends brittany and i were on the way to syn and sky when we saw my old friend sara kenyon approach us and ask us for directions to greene street, seeing as it was gay night at greene street as well we decided to go to greene street instead. Upon our walk Sara was getting more and more affected by the alcohol she had consumed prior to our metting up with her, but by the time we arrived she was stumbling around in a drunken stooper. About five minutes after we had gotten in the club Security approached us and told us Sara would have to be escorted home. Her friend Nicole who had driven up with her took her home that night. Britney Sarah Fox and I continued on through a night that would only get odder, it started with me trying to find a hot guy to dance with. I spied one i wanted and had begun working up the courage to ask him to dance seeing as i did not have the allure working for me that night. I saw a few people i knew and conversed for a little while then got seperated from my friends. I bumped into the guy i had been eyeing and asked him to dance, ... it was that easy, surprisingly. We danced for a while then both went out to smoke where we conversed briefly and went back inside. We went back in and he stopped at the bar for a bit which didnt bother me as i needed refreshment at the time anyway. I noticed him talking to one of the guys at the bar and noticed the guy he was talking to was holding hands with someone in a barstool i noticed the guy he was holding hands with was my ex Matt Dazzle. I asked him " so how do you know my ex boyfriend" " which one" he replied, " the one in the hat Matt Dazzle" i said  he retorted with " oh hes dating my best friend" ..... a boner was successfully killed. Later on in the evening I saw my friends again after going upstairs, they were sitting on the couch with two random guys, then i saw chris crisp, who i hadnt seen in at least a year. We talked for a bit and then i realized Brittany and Sarah were not around i went down to find them. They were dancing with those random guys i had found them with before, and they seperated when the two guys went outside to smoke, they both looked at me and said Its time to leave, we wandered around for a bit so as to get lost in the mass of people. After about thirty minutes we retrieved our coats and went out the door where we saw Nicole who had informed us that Sara Kenyon had been taken to the hospital for alcohol poisoning. It had been a crazy night but it was not over, we received a call from Josh who needed us to come get him and take him home we proceeded and did what we had to. Its been a strange entrance into this new age. Nothing bad happened to me, although the world around me has fallen into disaray and device, i think that its a sign that im stronger than most. And also a sign that what i have going with austen may be clandestine or in some other way ordained and no intended to be haulted at the present time. In a way im glad because it brought with it a new sense of morality and a new sense of direction.... but for now im nineteen and green and content to be living .. that is all.

chapter twenty eight : resolutions and renventions

Its nearing the end of the witching hour and im officially another year older, making me nineteen going on ninety. Its astounding how much someone can grow and how drastically things can change over the course of one year. I am viewing the world through a completely different scope than the one i had  when i turned eighteen. At the start of this i was just a smart and wise for his age eighteen year old. over the course of one year, ive detached myself from feelings of guilt and resentment. ive gone through emotional trauma and here i stand better off. My enemies have presented theirselves to me, and i now know the early warning signs of mental disturbance and know when to give trust and when to reserve it until its earned and wanted. Ive learned who my true friends are, and i value myself intensely more, and i have come from being a non believer to a mystic to one who has found the balance between faith and gullibility. I have morphed into a much stronger person in this one year than i was, someone who is no longer angry like my 15 year old self but no longer a push over like my 18 year old self. Im no longer the scared naive adolescent. I still have a lot of room to grow but knowing my own imperfection is a step toward becoming whole that few possess.
 I i find it rather stunning how im only nineteen and so much has been figured out by my own sweat and toil, ie worked out my own path to salvation with fear and trembling. ive kissed death on the lips and come out unscathed. i found a sense of purpose i lacked, and ive learned more about loving someone in this crazy gay world where you have to play games and never be the first to say what should be left unsaid. a year ago today i was clinging on to the love i held in such high a pedestal for Brian, and today i feel as though hes no longer a part of me, im bearing the scars of so many others that ive learned to wear as tattoos reminders of what brought me to where i am today. I regret nothing. Ive made many errors crucial and detrimental but it was only instrumentla to my own pain and therfore subsequently necessary for my own growth, ive cut myself deep enough to free a trapped soul beneath. and broken many of my habbits that kept me steifled. ive learned to channel all my rage into art. ive learned so much that this has become not only a tell all of my sexual exploits and heartbreaks and idle adolescent mellodrama but a coming of age in the making. Im proud of myself and i never thought i would be. Seven years ago i was in the darkest hole imaginable, and within the past year experienced more alienating brutal tragedy and more weight and stress and i have only grown stronger because ive changed as a person for the better but in keeping with my fundamental structures of who i am at the essential level. Seven years ago i almost committed suicide, seven years ago i met my two crutches of addiction, cigarettes and hard liquour, they are still vices i lean on, but ive learned to handle things more efficiently. seven years ago i would have made that judgement to cut my life short had i met the circumstances that transpassed within this past 12 months of my life. But today i am nineteen and im truely happy with who i am. ive got myself, ive got a car, ive got a tight knit group of friends i trust deeply. i am enjoying the untagged relationship with someone who i connect with without feeling the need to be attached like a leech. I still cant believe ive lived so much longer than i thought i should have. Im slowly but surely reinvinting myself, the passions i have have never died, they just became more focused, the drive never depleted it just became more practical, the dream never drowned it learned to swim. I think as far as life goes ive been tested harshly but im starting to surmount the tasks and obstacles that lay before me with more ease than ever before.... its not perfect .. but it IS getting better

Chapter Twenty Seven: not quite hell but a far cry from heaven

"i could walk a thousand miles with nails in both my feet, it would still hurt less than the things youd do when you thought noone was watching"

I used to think, situations had a tendency to work themselves out... i was merely fantasizing, i would like so much to believe in a more eutopian world but the longer i linger in this reality i see more things to make me want to go back in hiding. While im in pain someone else i know is undoubtedly thriving. There was a time that i would sacrifice my happiness for the sake of anothers, but that was before the lying. I want incredibly much for things to be okay, mended up in their own unique way i once thought there wasnt a sin i could not forgive. But if im a messaih to the hopeless then ive got nothing left to give. Salvation seems so far away, i beg and i plead but bad things keep blocking my way. I want to be closer again to god, but it seems like with every moment were ever further at odds. Id give anything, to exist in the dream, but the haunting part is that i know ill be waking. I havent been sleeping so much lately, my bodys tired, but the mind wont let me. such terrible thoughts keep penetrating my conscious stream. Id like to kill them away, but i gave up drinking. Im trying my hardest to turn my life around, but complications keep arising that threaten to keep me down. If i just give up and consing myself to bitterness could i even be content. To survive through this life that ill forever resent. Im not consigned to accept my misery, i hope theres something better being withheld from me, I havent told anybody, but its what i keep in secret what i want to believe. My perceptions keep getting altered. I once remember having faith that would never falter. But it died somehow, has it been murdered on the churches alter. Is it any wonder that i turned away. i was devout but i was lead astray. I felt so close long ago, but if i didnt question it, i would have never known, id rather have the truth than to follow blind, there were many things in myself i had to leave behind. Why must i be the one to change, if its your design which was flawed in the first place. Dear god can you tell me when, the horizons will change, ill it be before i quit. Im at my lowest calling on your name. I hear nothing to comfrot me and say it will be okay. Am i too late to be saved, i would jump through the fire to be worthy of such grace.

Somethings i wish i had never known, but its far better to learn, or so i keep getting told.
is there more to this than whats being sold, if ignorance is bliss, then i must have doomed my soul.
I must tell you this is getting old. you said youd meet me halfway,  but your running quite late
im three forths of the distance, and i cant go all the way. I need dIvine intervention, so i bow my head today. Wont you promise me that help is on its way. or are there sins still that for which i must pay
ive endured so much, im buckling under the strain, i cant keep on living under the weight of such pain.
Devotion and conviction, are all that remain, youve stripped me down, have you had your way.
was this a joke to you, because i was assuming your sincerity.is it true that not even you care anyway
then why should i play the martyr if ive got nothing to gain. am i too late to be saved.
are you listening or have you turned away. am i talking to myself i ask of you, why wont you answer me?

---
i prayed these words so many times. so many things i bought as truth turned out to be just lies.
i wrote it out, in poetic device. i spared no honesty to conform to the ryhme.
i still feel as though theres hope, buried deeper though than i initially thought.
there was more to it but i forgot. I saw my enemy today, passing by the other way.
i realized i cant live in this town anymore, im planning to escape, on a more permanent basis quite possibly. Brittany and Sarah may end up living in apartments with me, if i can escape my job long enough and have my car in good condition long enough to find employment in the next county over
hopefully as a waitor or some higher paying less demanding position than the one i presently hold for minmum wage. I want so badly to get more out of this life, im tired of meerly scraping by, having no time to enjoy, but not making enough to barely survive. Im hoping to go to GTCC instead of ACC, not because of my ex best friend but because i want to get out of the dead end shithole town that is burlington. i want to taste the skys and walk in greener pastures, where theres something to entertain me other than a movie or window shopping with money i dont have. it seems like theres nothing of substance anymore even in this god forsaken no mans land. i was talking to god (or myself which ever one) and he promised that things would be getting better. they keep getting more and more ominous. my life was threatened. i got into an accident hours after repairing my bearing, now i have two that are bad. I just cant see the opportunity to get out coming. but i know that im going to get out if its an afront to jesus christ himself. Im the only one i know thats real, ive been neglecting myself to provide a way for others to feel. im tired of growing number day after day. as more and more moments of my life slip away. i cant promise that im doing okay because in truth i dont know anyway. im getting more attached than id like to be to my cuddle buddy. but hes abandoned me for spring break in dc, and my friend victor and my brother and his friend all went to lauterdale for the next three days and im left with nothing but myself. ive never felt more alone. even my friend brittany has someone. i try to surround myself with support but everyones happy around me and i feel like im the odd man out doomed to walk eternally alone, everyone i date or screw is either heartless pointless or insane. why must i be the only person i know incapable of bonding with someone who wont cheat or use me for a one nigh stand and then decide after theyve gotten underneath my clothing that im not what they are looking for becaus they are too afraid to feel that they dont want to figure out my personality and so they push me away?. I swear to god im not difficult im the most easy going relaxed person i know, . Everyone around me is happy, Brittany is dating my cousin, sarahs got a new job that pays well. jeris got a new love persuit .. and i have what amounts to a meaningless sex partner who here lately has made it so i move my plans around to go see him and then at the last minute he decides to go drinking or hang with friends or that he has too much work to do, im being extremely understanding but part of me knows that hes trying to pull away and i dont want him to, i think hes found someone else just like everyone i fool around or sleep with, they cant be ready for another relationship when they meet me, but as soon as they have a fling with me and i feel like maybe i have at least a friendship with benefits of intimacy and then i find out they are devoted to this person they met while they were screwing me. Its so unfair, im not a bad person, im fairly attractive, and im honestly the most devoted to love person i know, i would do anything for someone i love. And yet im to difficult to bear the thought of being in a relationship with, why? ive gone slow ive gone moderate ive gone fast track either way it doesnt work out for me but it always ends in some long term fulfilling relationship with someone else who was graced with an opportunity unlike myself. Why cant i just have one thing one area of my life go right for a change, what did i do to deserve such seemingly paranormal otherworldy slap to the face. its like im trying to stand up in the surf during a hurricane, no matter how i try when i get my head up, another wave comes to topple me over and make me feel worthless like i should just inhale the water and accept deaths welcoming embrace because its all a vain effort. Why am i fighting to live if im just living to fight, why am i trying to see when theres nothing in sight, why am i trying to give when no one gives me a try, why am i fighting to live, if im just living to die. ..... the only question i can think to ask is why, for everything why, a question unanswered, though the most worthy of validation... why is it the only question i cant solve on my own but the only question im left with, the only question noone will help me to answer, im just looking for reason in a sea of uncertainty and indecision. wont some one save me from the war tide of ignorance and just give me an answer even if its perceived that i will be displeased with the response. i dont deserve much but the universe owes me an explaination its the only thing i am certain of.

Chapter Twenty Six: the deathly hallows of attonement

Over these past few years iv grown immensly even now i see myself as a different person completely foreign to who i was at starting this tell all of the inconsequent details of my highly bizarre life. I have realized that people change fundamentaly as they grow, but its important to make sure the way your changing is for the better and in keeping with the person you were to start with, to change is not betraying your past, but simply an inclusion of new ideals and insights that affect your course as it goes. Im no longer angry at David, or at Blake for that matter, im sorry for them. Even as i have changed i have not become a different person in the sense that i am no longer the same internally as i was from the start of this journey of life. ive made critical errors and ive urned away people who i should have heard out. For that im sorry, but unlike Blake and David, i still know myself through it all, i face things in the same way, and ive learned and progressed where as they have denied and regressed in due time. Despite their attempts to belittle and break me, i have found more inner strength and learned a more acute definition of who i am as a person because of all this strife they dealt me. Im sorry for them because they dont know who they are anymore if they ever did at all, they lost the faith. I still believe that people are good, part of me always will, i speak out in anger and need to learn more self control, im far too capricious and i cling on to things that will only seek out to tear me apart from within. I torture myself too much. But i have also wronged some people in my path by trying to warn them and help them and simply proceeding in the wrong way about it, and in my duality of being honest and being a person worhty of trust i have encountered many conflicts in which i sacrificed the wrong thing for the purpose of containing and neutralizing the situation. I think it will always be difficult but i think im figuring it out a little more as i go along. I talked to god not long ago, i was under the throws of a heavy migrane and almost killed myself inadvertantly trying to pacify it with ibupropen. My heart stopped for three minutes and i thought to myself its finally time for the reaper to come. In my intense state of mind i talked to god, i discovered a little more than i knew before about the purpose of this life, no struggling is in vain even if nothing significant comes of it its what you learn about yourself from it that counts, and for that im grateful to have been through the heartache they and many other before them caused me. No less than 5 years ago i was an angry explosive trigger happy jump the gun take no prisoners person, somewhere along the lines i discovered a little peice of the puzzle that helped me learn to control myself, im still not there in many respects but im far better and no worse for the wear because of the things that happen to me. I think were brought to the bring of death and the point where we beg for the ending to appreciate the value and weight of our choices and why its best to make informed decisions and do no harm intentionally, i can honestly say ive been harmed intentionally so i can learn what not to do to people. I have harmed others and for that im deeply sorry but only out of my inability to react, and not knowing how my choices would affect those around me. I have sought forgiveness from them and im still doing that. In somesituations noones wrong, which simply means everyone is at fault for their own fault, noone ever said coexistence was an easy undertaking, but im beginning to see the light, my eyes are opened a little bit wider , my pupils have dialted and i feel more at terms with being alive, and now i find more comfort in it than i once did in the hope of death. If i could talk to myself when i was twelve i would tell him he was beautiful and that it would be worht it in the end. Ive had some great experiences despite having been in some deeply horrid times. Feel sorry for the ones that have everything handed to them, they dont know what it means to be a person and never will. Humility through struggle strength through wounding, lessons in time, pain to know soothing, the darkness to know the glory of the son, through our bleeding we are one.

Chapter twenty five: over the hill, under the moon

Its been a decent amount of time to pass, and yet not much has changed.
The drama is ever present in my life, but the difference is all in the perspective
I've accepted my own ignorance, to trust those i mistakenly looked passed the initial bad vibes from
I despise that. Its not something i'm exactly willing to accept that trust is naive. I truely want to believe people are good deep down, but i keep getting bit in the ass by my willingness to believe in the good, that clearly is outweighed by the bad in some people. Ive been used a lot in my life. Ive been slandered and bad mouthed and ive let people belittle me and not object, ive been too passive. and that will change. Im a good person. Id give someone the shirt from my back if i thought they needed it more, its in my nature to care for others, i cant shut off my feelings, i cant turn off my conscience, it makes me so succeptable to believing in people who i want nothing more than to trust and believe that they are genuinely good, even though they wrong me even though they make mistakes. But this week i have been forced to face the unfortunate truth myself, that some people cant be saved from the void within theirselves. It astounds me that im so young and yet there are so many things i understand that noone else in my world seems to like the value of virtuosity, generosity, belief, confidence, faith and trust. Sadly ive come to find some people are indeed bad. Its not their fault they are so internalize they dont even realize what theyre doing to the people like myself that are extending a hand to help them out of their dark depression is harmful. Ive been hurt and heartbroken more than once by David Zich. I honestly dont know what the truth is anymore. At the start of all of this, all he wanted was my brother, i was attracted but i wasnt going to try to come between that, then he kissed me on new years after i had swallowed my pride and sidelined my urge to persue his affections, i tried to avoid him all that night and he kept following me like a lost puppy, and then to kiss me turned my world upside down with confusion and misdirection. The next day the fallout happened and once again i was not good enough for him to consider as someone worthy of being given a chance to have a relationship with him. I hated him for that for a while not because of just the rejection but the constant torture that he wouldnt speak or write a message to me to explain his actions, but he would continually poke me on my facebook, reminding me everyday that what had happened had happened and he had had his fun and was blaming me. And then after him deciding to talk to me after i had given up on the whole thing once more, he charmed me and convinced me he did care and the feelings were mutual. And like the sucker i am i proceeded to gratify his desire to destroy me from within. Somewhere in all the ambiguity,i allowed myself foolishly to become attached, my biggest mistake was trusting him to be aware of that sensitive information, he played me like a fiddle in the hands of a musical prodigy. Artfully and with horrid precision. The worst part is this is not the end of the story. After our sexual escapade in the back of his car, we proceeded to go to victors keeping the secret was my new burden to bare but the part of me that believed he was actually being honest with me before took it on without issue. On the way my car finally gave out after having been running on twenty year old battery cables that had been corroded to the point of being useless. I called david after trying to get it to start for a while and he came back much to my astonishment something i took as a subtle sign of genuine honesty and the hope that perhaps i wasnt a complete idiot for sharing my affections with him in the first place. less than a month passes, and i find myself being alerted by him that hes finally found someone worth having a relationship with, its not my brother, its also not me. I was happy for him, though it pained me i would have rather been his friend and bare the agony that i wasnt good enough than to not know him at all. But tonight i had a conversation that broke my heart to peices, it started with him bragging about his new concubine that hes ever so enthrawled with, at which point he said he would like me to meet him as hes such an amazing guy. To which i replied, he seems like it, i just want to ge tthe hell out of North Carolina and find something real. and so the picking and prodding began, where he kept inquiring and i kept telling, but when it came to my turn to ask a question after establishing my discontent with my eternal single life and not being able to have any kind of mutual attachement to anyone. He had the audacity to ask me what i was doing wrong as if i hadnt been asking the question to myself for the past six years of my life. I asked him to tell me, considering he fell into the catergory of people that seemed to have their way with me then decide they were finally ready to settle down with someone else after. To which he avoided the question as always has been the case before when such questions arose, And he told me " i was never attracted to you at all" where do i call bullshit on everything before or on what was being told to me now, either he used me as i thought he was doing in the beggining or he was lying to me now for some undisclosed reason. It broke my heart that he could be so cruel as if it would be something constructive. No details no helpful maybe you should change this about yourself just a malicious cruel statement. It made it clear to me that all along i was just a pawn of some sort or some device to him, and i let it occur as deplorable as that is. never in my life have i felt as stupid as i do now. And it couldnt happen at a worse time considering i just got fucked over and damaged irrevocobly by trusting someone for four years who i thought was really my friend but turned out to be a lying manipulative slanderous person. It makes me wonder are the days of trust and respect for fellow human beings gone, are virtues outdated, is nothing sacred. Am i stupid to have such romanticized ideas about life, is it too eutopian an idea to think you could trust someone and have that good faith returned, or when you build the bridge of trust are you simply prolonging suicide as you wait on the bridge as it burns? if anyone is reading this... will someone please tell me if i should continue in my ways of believing that there is still good in the world or if i should just give up on the hope that any decent people are left and just be dishonest and untrusting and shady with everyone i meet, either one feels a rotten thought but i can honestly think i dont know anymore it took 18 years and two people to destroy all sense of knowledge i once thought i had and with it all sense of hope i had that people arent all dispicable like most of the ones ive met .

Chapter twenty four: trials and tribulations

As it turns out, i am no over David Zich, In Fact ive come to learn that im actually in love with him, he finally talked to me the week after austen and i hooked up, after i had gone to the doctor for bronchitis and been doped up pretty good, we talked from 10pm to 8am on that saturday, after which we decided to meet up, and ..... being passionate as i am, i ended up hooking up with him in the back of his car, after which we decided to go see our friend victor in seperate cars, i took mine, which was a mistake, the battery cables were bad and my car died on the interstate. Luckily i called david after realizing i couldnt fix it myself and he came back for me much to my astonishment took me around to the auto parts store and back and to get some food, it was unfortunate but romantic none the less. I still havent repayed him but i know i need to, he told me the day after that hes still not wanting to be in a relationship but i have the spark of hope of knowing that he may be someday. and at this point im perfectly happy being in his life as his friend just so long as im in his life, ive never felt this way about anyone before other than brian my first love. Who i havent thought about since meeting David which is what tells me hes special. And someone worth persuing, i still talk to austen on a regular basis, as well as a guy named geoffrey who i met at syn and sky the day after David and i had our encounter. everythings up in the air but they are all nice guys, in truth i want david above all of them but im going to see if any of the other two go anywhere, after the breaking down on the highway episode my car was out of commission for two almost three weeks, during which time i spent every dime i had on a new alernator, new spark plugs and replacement battery cables which turned out to be the only thing initially wrong with it but im glad to have replaced the other things just because i no longer have to worry about them in the future for some time. On a side note that all ties in, i had an intervention with blake and britney and sarah after we all hung out for the last time, Blake once again ran from her problems and refused to face the truth which is no big shock, but to take someone side over sarah was inexcuseable especially considering the circumstances which i cant go into but from that day, or in all reality from new years eve on weve all been drifitng apart, well all of us have been drifting away from blake because she cant admit shes wrong in anything. I being the tenacious person i am sent her a heartfelt message over facebook explaining everything as it is, and how i feel after learning from her bat shit crazy mother that shes moving away to roxboro and didnt tell any of us up to and including her dad. she never replied directly to the message but instead put her status as LALALA IM NOT LISTENING, and obvious reffrence to the inconvenient truth of her present situation and actions and bad decidions that she cant own up to, obviously this infuriated me. But i decided to extend the olive branch once more when i decided to talk to her in person when i saw her coming down from my neck of the woods on her way to her boyfriend taylors house, who is the only one other than the cause of drama and friction that started all of this, that is worht her time. I followed her and caught up to her and started to blink my lights for her to pull over i hadnt talked to her seen her or heard from her in upwards of a week. she flipped me off and sped up. I being the person i am became determined like it was a new vendetta to catch up to her or follow her to her destination and deliver the bracing reality check she so rightfully needed. next thing i know we are going 110 miles an hour. I find it humorous she thought she could outrun me in her cavalier when she tops out at 110 and my little hoopty will go 130 and not break a sweat. but i began to ride her ass to get her to pull over . She called me while i was behind her, and i answered with " yes im behind you i need to talk to you pull over theres something i need to say in person that you need to hear" i truely cared about not letting go of a friendship tha i would risk a ticket , and my life considering my baring is bad since saturday when i got hit by another car on guilford college road. but she replied with "NO YOU NEED TO BACK THE FUCK OFF AND STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE" to which i began to yell over her, that she needed to shut up listen and face the truth because she never has and its important and if she doesnt talk to me now shes going to lose me as a friend forever and im the last friend she has . I dont know where in my speech she hung up the phone i just know that she did, thankfully for her wellbeing britney called me or else i would have either hit her or followed her to her boyfriends house and caused a scene and ruined her life and possibly her makeup job as i hae never been more rageful angry or spiteful toward a person as she had just made me in all of two seconds. Britney talked me down and i went the other way and went back home. only to learn that her dad had asked me over facebook what has been going on with her to which i told the entire account. I went yesterday to get my stuff she had borrowed and never returned from her house her step mother told me i was always welcome there despite my no longer being friends with blake. It feels terrible to have lost a friend but i feel as though at the same time a poison has been removed from my life. She has been talking about me behind my back now trying to spread things and turn the outside friends of ours who are uninvloved and uninformed agains britney sarah and i. I took her her scarf back or at least attempted to today when i saw she was at work for the first time in weeks. i was civil but i was gritting my teeth. when i heard her say what she said after she thought we were out of earshot i almost lost it. but the truth is im not going to seek her out or anything of the sort but she should know if she wants to keep talking and trying to get at me to be vindictive like she is. i will destroy her social life and make her life a hell i have the resources i know how. she may be a libra but she should know enough about astrology to know you never want to truely screw over andpiss of a pisces. it just kills me that after my being there for her everytime she needed me and being her friend and confidant that she woudl turn on me and betray and abandon me over some guy she doenst even know, that shes cheated on, that she doenst even know has talked shit behind her back and is only with her now because hes essentially maimed and knows noone else would be interested and she was already on the hook. i wish her a fun ride downt the road shes on to hell because her ticket is one way and shes walking the path alone. in similar news i spent the day before the epic car chase that ended all possibility of reconciliation between me and my new ex bestfriend. before that i was at my freind victors house from friday to saturday. i had planned to clean and fulfilled my promise on friday and saw david once again much to my happiness, blake britney and sarah and i as well as devon bovine and cody lee were supposed to go to the straight club but seeing as blake had planned it i was unsurprised when the plans were cancelled. so i stayed the night and talked politics and met victors newest concubine. the next day we all hung out and i went in my car following them to a resturaunt from which after we intended to go to the q lounge. fate had other plans, on guilford college road i was following and then saw a suv turn its signal on and start to merge into my line, about to hit me in the side on my drivers door and possibly kill me, i accelerated quickyl but i was struck in the back door on the drivers side. it slammed me into the curb and runied my barring , and forced me to fishtail. i went to the nearest turn off which turned out to be a school parking lot and got out the car thankfully came to a stop there too and checked to see i was alrigth i was rather distraught considering i had just fixed my car the previous week. the police came and after filling out a report i proceeded to eat. and then home. the next day we already know what happened. but i find it odd that in one week so much occurred in one month a lifetimes worht of experiences has been thrown my way. and today i had a misunderstanding with victor regaurding the day i stayed over adn got into my accident. where it was perceived that i was trying to cuddle with victors new boy toy, which couldnt have been farther from the truth. but it was sorted out. if this werent my life i would swear it was the best written soap opera tv drama around .

chapter twenty three: picking up the tab

this weekend i made the ultimate decision that despite his many attempts to drive me insane im going to get over david zich. i set about this goal starting on sunday night. I went to greene street with Blake Britney, sarah and Britney's boyfriend sebastian. After having her drag her feet we finally got blake to the club and we all had a blast, its was an interesting experience seeing it was the first time since the summer that id seen matt dazzle i somehow managed to be civil with him, and then continued about my night enjoying dancing and chasing after guys with my friends. around the 2 am mark i got a text from my friend victor telling me i should come to syn and sky, i decided i wanted to go, but unfortunately i would have to take my friends home first, i didnt learn until after i had left that there was someone who wanted to meet me at syn and sky that night. I got everyone home and then got home and recieved another text from victor telling me i should come up to the house and hang out for a bit as there were a few people there for an afterparty. I got there and was happily surprised to see a short cute young guy greet me at the door. We managed to get along very well, and after a little time we began to sit together on the couch while watching a movie and sharing my blanket, soon as things tend to turn out we were kissing. This did not go unnocticed, in fact richards friend kyle who was quite tired and enebriated shouted at us, to get a room, to which we happily complied and went downstairs. whilst downstairs we talked and cuddled and gave in to our desires. we then went upstairs to sleep for about 3 hours and then went back to the basement for round two which went on for hours and wasnt finished until it was yet again dark the next day. after which we spent hours languishing about , after which i showered changed and we all went to eat and watch the iron lady. He held my hand during the entire movie. It felt so good to be able to indulge in sexual misconduct with someone and not have them be ashamed of me the next morning. I didnt learn until after how much alike we were, but i think its the begining of a friendship seeing as neither of the two of us are fit for or want a relationship at present. everyones got their cross to bear. The counter side to this event of my life is that the day after everything terrible fell upon my shoulders as things tend to do for me. I had to go to work today which is wednesday after waking up to the realization that my yearly occurance of bronchitis had not taken a vacation this year. on the way back from work today my battery light came on, and now i fear as though my alternator may be shot. Its so bizzarre how a few days ago i felt more alive like the stars had finally aligned in my favor, and now i feel physically miserable, and upset over the wellbeing of my only mode of transportation. i miss my cuddlebuddy but thankfully he still texts me, its so wonderful to have someone to talk to, who understands my point of view as a pisces, and as a twink. we seem to have a lot in common and i truely hope that we have more time together in the future. one can only hope all i know is that was definitely just what i needed.

chapter twenty two: another day older and none the wiser

its been 7 hours and 15 days, quite literally, since i realized i was falling, and im still in love withdavid zich. It hurts more than anything has ever hurt before, i would equate the pain to giving birth through your urethra, Im accquainted with pain, im a conisseur of torture but this is throbbing and unbearable. i woke up at 4 in the morning two days ago, i had just spent the previous evening before with someone who made me forget for one second how bad it hurt, made me think of something other than david for a few seconds. I woke up after having had a dream about new years eve, and in the dream it was not only david who was rejecting me and playing with my fragile mind, but every man ive ever loved and been hurt by before. I woke up unable to breathe, i felt like a fish out of water, i assumed at first it was a heart attack but then to my dismay realized it would not be that easy for me, my arm still had feeling , my arteries were fine, this was meerely the first of what im sure is a wave of panic attacks, that have no ceasing point in the future. I cant listen to music, i cant watch tv, i can barely even work and not be reminded of how much it hurts me, of how much i want things to be different. I feel as though god is mocking me, laughing at me for thinking i could be happy. Perhaps im destined for martyrdom, its the only rational excuse for my seemingly vain suffering. I long for him, i long to feel the way i did before i met him. I dont regret that i let my walls down for him, i regret that he betrayed me after i did. I regret that he did the exact same thing brian did to me, which is the worst torment one can know. To tease me with love then cut me off cold, to exploit my feelings and then leave me out to dry, even after knowing i had tried so hard and worked so much to dismiss the feelings i had for him. He still advanced, pouncing like a fierce and starving lion on my vulnerable exposed heart, ripping it to shreds between his pointy sharp teeth. Even lions are beautiful. But the most beautiful things are often the most deadly to us. I feel as though ive learned nothing, or maybe its that im afraid if i listen to what my brain would tell me i would shut myself off and never love again, it would hurt less. Maybe its just one wound that time cannot heal. Or maybe im just hoping that he will return or maybe im just hoping that if i hurt so much then it must be true. Perhaps if im feeling something so intensly it negates the possibility that he dosent feel a thing. I wish life were simpler but alas, we are all destined to struggle with our own demons, people tell me i am beautiful, but all i see is imperfections, i dont believe that i am worthy of anyone, and when i allow myself to love someone its always ended up like this. But this is harder more intense than anything i ever felt. It took me five years to get over Brian, im still not entirely over it, How long will it take me to get over David Zich. It was easier with Brian because Brian didnt love himself, Brian couldnt admit to himself that he was gay, and then Brian moved away. But David is out, David isn't far and away, hes right down the corner, and yet ive never felt quite so isolated. I think what hurts the most is the feeling of inadequacy, either that or the feeling that i almost had my golden opportunity. I have no closure, the wound remains open, i cannot stitch this myself, how long will it be before he returns my heart, how long will it be before someone stitches my gaping wound closed, how long will it be before i exsanguinate. Only time will tell, time heals everything they say, but im not so certain anymore. When i was struggling to breathe early the other morning before i realized it was just a panic attack, i felt content to die, i was not going to go get up and go to the medicine cabinet and get an asprin, i thought finally an end had arrived, i thought comfort was on the other side of the pain. I thought death had finally came to claim me, like i had prayed for in my early years of childhood in my darkest days. Ive met death before, enough times that i know his face, the sad thing is, he doesnt want me either. Ive never felt as lost and disenfranchised as i do at this moment, disillusioned but somehow still i care for David Zich, i wish i knew why. Ive been saving myself for so long, perhaps this is one of those situations where someones going to come save me instead of pulling myself out. Or maybe this is a cross i must bare. But i havent learned anything other than that pain is deep, and no external force could inflict wounds large or deep enough to hurt me like ive been hurt by David. I pray the conclusion is close at close at hand because i cant survive another act, im certain that ill collapse. I used to be strong but ive never felt so small and insignifigant and scared before

Chapter Twenty One: Zich Heil

When i started this blog, ( i still assume noone reads it but i dont frankly give a shit its for my own personal theraputic purposes) i told myself i would mention people with some degree of anonymity. But there are times in life when you meet someone and you cant not use their name, plus the chapter needed a pun. Im talking about the latest entry in my long list of love life failures, namely David Zich. I met him through my brothers friend Victor, instantly i felt physically attracted to him, but within the first day of hanging out with him i felt myself drawn to his personality and sense of humor. Being the person i am when i meet someone interesting or that i wouldnt mind to continue knowin i add them on facebook. no shorter than five minutes had passed that i recieved a message from him that said," im head over heels for your brother and i dont want to be involved with you" to which i responded ( innocently of course because to me at the start of this it was nothing more than oh youre cool your not an ass maybe ill see you again sometime no social obligational context withstanding whatsoever) " im not hitting on you im adding you on facebook chill, its not like you knowing me affects your relationship with my brother in the slightest. and that was that, and we continued to be in the same social enviroment as one another for quite some time, over which time i learned that the so called relationship he had with my brother was one that didnt amount to anything ( my brother tends to have relationships like that with guys, he tends to want more than one option on any given day much like a person who cant go out to eat anywhere other than a buffet). well it just so happened that my attractions grew as they tend to do when im intrigued by someone, particualrly an attractive and intellectually stimulating, and nice someone. I dismissed it as a minor crush at the time, at the time thats what it was to me, we were watching a movie called blood diamond at victors, my brother passed out on one couch david in the corner of another, victor and i taking turns occupying the vacant seat on the couch beside david, while the other took shifts on the concrete floor. As we watched the film became more violent and i became more comfortable on the couch melting into the cushions and making myself at home. I can watch stabbing all day long and not jump the slightest bit but something about gunfire causes me to flinch, and as the movie dragged on i heard a gunshot and reached up instinctively and grabbed davids hand,to which he responded by taking my hand and placing it gently on the pillow in a subtle rejection of this perceived advance. This action did not go unnoticed, and of course i got hell for having a crush on david which i accepted and moved on thinking i was over my seemingly minor infatuation with such an enchanting boy, then the holidays rolled around and we began spending increasingly longer amounts of time together as a group, victor had now moved into a new house which was far more lavish than his previous dwelling, and we all watched the right together with our estranged friend matt moss. who was enjoying his new christmas present that being nerf guns and entertaining himself by taking shots at my brother which i found amusing. as the movie progressed i became more invested in the story, and matt became more invested in exacting his revenge on my brother via nerf gun assassination, so to facilitate this valiant cause i offered up my chair which was in far better range in exchange for the seat on the couch which was in perfect undisturbed view of the television, and coincidentaly next to david.during the movie , i began to curl up and watch the movie as i do, then he tapped me on the head, and victor being his funny self cracks the wise comment "just dont try to hold davids hand this time" to which there was laughter and slight humiliation but i ignored it and continued watching, after a while i forgot about it and then david tapped me on the head, i look up and he lowered down his phone with the message " i dont hate you" typed on it, i grabbed the phone and typed back " who said you hate me?" in utter confusing, to which he responded just forget about it. after everyone else left i told the story to victor who couldnt make heads or tails of it either, and i remained confused but left it alone. Then along came new years eve a joyus time to forget the woes of the past year and start anew with new mistakes to make you hate the world, and how do we ring in the new year, by drinking and clubbing and whatnot. My brother david victor and i had all made plans to go to warehouse 29 to which i was not completely enthused at the prospect that i might run into my old ex matt dazzle whom i was ( and still am not) particularly fond of. But we went after pregaming the drinking at victors house the designated crash area for after the party ended. we went and started to enjoy ourselves, and as the night went on my brother continued to drink past his limit as he tends to do and i was told to take david away from him so ricky didnt get pissed off, so i took david off away from him and we entertained ourselves, and danced a little, ( quite provocatively in retrospect but i thought little of it at the time other than just good old new years fun) and then we began to sit on the couch and talk and lay twenty questions, over the course of which we discussed things such as music favorite bands, colors, what e find attractive in guys, and it became wierd at that point that david had describe my physical traits as what he finds attractive in a guy, to which i said, " well im going to go look for other fine anonymous lovlies to frolic with care to help me locate some" and he put his hand on my thigh and said , "dont go" so i lingered for a moment but not for to long considering someone approached us and said " that guy in the red shirt you guys were hanging with just threw up all over the bathroom" so we went to assess the situation and then decided we were all now ready to leave and take the drunkey home. When we got back to victors house we were faced with the task of sobering ricky up, a task we left to victor because hes good at dealing with beligerent alcoholics, and he proceeded to forcedeed ricky water, seeing as there was nothing for dav id or i to do in such a situation we decided to sit on the couch up in the loft and continue to talk about various innocuous things. It was cold up in the nook so we got closer and closer and closer together, then we found ourselves snuggling to keep warm, and we continued to talk about our first loves and i proceeded to tell him about my past experiences and he told me his, and then he leaned down and kissed me, a drunk mistake if stopped there, but it didnt,it continued, the kisses got more passionate and the hands began to roam, and it was clear that whatever was happening, was intentional. it was at this moment, it clicked for me that my feelings i thought i was certain of, i was merely fooling myself about, i genuinely cared about david, it was more than just a passing fancy it was full blown infatuated first stage love, of some degree. i had officially fallen. We were interupted by noise downstairs in the bathroom which we decided i needed to investigate, after david telling me " they would kill us if they walked in on us at the moment, primarily you" to which i had no replie but he said " come back in a few minutes ill wait for you after everyone goes to sleep, i wont be asleep" and i proceeded downstairs as if nothing had occurred, confused as to wether what had occured was reality or my mind playing tricks on itself. but then night dragged on, and ricky got somewhat sober, and noone wanted to go to bed, and it seemed like everyone else would never go to sleep, but then david emerged from his nook while we were supposed to watch a movie, and after ricky decided to pass, out and victor decided to go to bed he called david into his room to have a talk with him ( apparantly sensing something was going on with us) after which conversation david went to the basement and i fell asleep. The next morning came and i felt sick , on my stomach from the bad chinese i had ate the night before, and in my heart for not knowing what to feel anymore, and mostly eager to know what victor had said to david, and then david and ricky woke up, and decided to go home, i was to upset on my stomache to want to drive and had already called out of work for the day so i wanted to stay a little while and collect my thoughts and wait out the seasickness i was feeling on my uneasy stomach. i talked to victor after he woke up and discussed what had happened and checked my facebook. David had messaged me and told me he couldnt proceed with what went down the night before because he was convinced he wanted my brother and not me, and that he was sorry if he led me on. to which i replied why are you doing this now, how can you just kiss me and then tell me and nearly fuck me and then tell me you want nothing to do with me as if i was some kind of potential one night stand that got interrupted and now you dont ever want to see me again, when looking back the next day it became instantly obvious that the whole evening had been planned. after a while of talking and me feeling bad he decided to tell me im going to find someone right for me and that its just best if we not talk for a while. that was approximately 6 days ago, and then i found out two days ago, that david had dinner wth my brother during which dinner he blamed the entire event on me. which broke my heart into, i feel lower than i ever had before, and i cant seem to wrap my head around what is going on or what i should feel and it seems like everyone is against me or ignoring me, and i really just want to hate david zich , but i cant, i dont want to have feelings for him, but i cannot deny that they exist, i have never been more lost in my life, the only other time ive felt, this bad was with my first love.