Chapter Thirty Four: Scattering the ashes

Picking up the pieces is hard enough, but not as hard as sallowing the pride that drives you. Driving you with the desire to take the shards and hurl them, instead of putting them back into position so fragile that it wears on your skin like an antique wedding dress. It's been a while and time drags by but it does not disappoint. I havent written anything on the show past the death of blakes character and storyline. Ive got a grand total of half an episode, and over a month and a half ( i think) has passed. Partly because i have nothing more to say that hasn't already been said, but also because i need to rethink my approach on spectrum. My storyline cant take up the focus of a story like that. I only bring this up because i made such realizations at about 5:30 today. I was with Birttany going to barnes and noble and who do you think was lurking amongst the aisles of overpriced teen romance novels and other indesclosable filth. "hey you guys" she smugly greeted from behind. There were two distinct emotions radiating from her voice. one was intimidation, the other outward defiance. the type of distinct resonance that comes from someone when they are enticing someone but know they are asking to get their ass kicked. I responded coldly "hi" in unison with Brittany and walked away. there was no hatred welling up. no butterflies in my stomach restraining me from saying the most belittling viscious things i could imagine on the spot. Just an empty vaccum where once there was the will to care either way. It was as if i was saying hello to the whispers of the wind. It dawned upon me that i have finally reached the antiphasis of realization that Im beyond petty things. Its been a wierd time for me. I feel as though im just starting to grasp the sense that their is some meaning to everything, and perhaps im supposed to be here. But life keeps throwing curve balls at me. My car broke down on friendly and i had to have it towed. work is working me all day everyday. i had a pet squirrel it died. And the day i got my car back i almost caught the house on fire.

Needless to say worrying about the mellodrama of Blake is the least important item on my to do list. Or david zich for that matter. I had the displeasure of encountering him for what im assuming will be the last time. I find it rather humorous that he is on Adam 4 Adam browsing when he supposedly found his alledged soul mate. I cant deny that things are challenging. But it feels as though im in a bizzarre place where i dont care about finding anything, and at the same time, i feel most alone, most understood. Truely i am the veteran of the discard pile, forever unclaimed. Forever sifted over rejected. I refuse to get my hopes up on happy change, i no longer think it can exist for me. I find it ironic, ive stopped quite a few of the people i know from commiting suicide, but cant find a valid arguement for why i shouldnt end my life. I hope to god theres a reason for being here. I would hate to think that death is such a bad shot.

Chapter Thirty Three: Stronger than yesterday

In my last post, i was on the verge of what could have been the most ignorant move i ever made. I was close to getting attached emotionally with Austen. Although i severely miss cuddling and having sex with him, I'm happy my brain caught up to my heart who was going a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction. I did end up getting emotionally attached, but in a less self harming way. Im glad i stopped before i fell in love. I had the unfortunate conversation with Austen, where i asked him whether or not, it was worth exloring, and heres what he responded. "your really sweet dusitn, and i do believe we have a lot in common, but i dont see you as more than a friend, your a really great guy and i definitely think of you as more than a booty call, but believe when i say im just not boyfriend material, i still want to be your friend and i understand if you want to cut the benefits no hard feelings". A part of me was hurting and a part of me was free. I felt so close to him, i shared more than just my time and my body with him. I shared a small part of my soul, and he wasn't afraid to accept me as i was. I really liked this one, primarily because i saw so much of myself reflected in him. so of course i felt defeated. But in the end, i know he wants to go back home to D.C. eventually and im not going to be in a position to do that, im not ever going to be in a position to make someone choose between me and their dreams. And i dont know if i could have gone on longer with him, and not fallen for him head over heels, and then if we broke up i would have been devestated. not long ago after this conversation i set up an Adam4Adam account. It Blew Uppppp. Lots of creepy older guys, quite a few young lovelies. I also saw whilst browsing some surprising developments including, old acquaintences, and some nefarious characters, whose identities i have previously disclosed in prior chapters. Namely David Zich. I find it THOROUGHLY amusing, that he was preaching how he'd found his soulmate ( twice mind you) after fucking me over royaly, and flaunting his presumed mutual happiness, and yet, he was cruising on Adam4Adam . But i digress . The horizons arent as bleak and meaningless and vindictively satisfying as it would seem, there is genuinely good news. I met a very cute emo guy, by the name of Tony. We talked a lot, and instead of exchanging pictures of our genetalia as is apparantly the custom on such a website. We exchanged meaningful conversations and poetry, after a few days, we exchanged phone numbers. we texted everyday for the next week and a half to two weeks. ( i dont keep good track of time elapsed or else ill realize how long ive been on the planet without advancing very much) We finally went on a date last night, I met him for coffee at starbucks and we watched the vow, it was the most normal run of the mill date experience. I never thought i could enjoy that. We talked even more, he was much cuter in person, and such a gentleman, he drove me to and fro, and payed my way, even though i had money and would have been more than happy to do so myself. At the end of the night, we hugged and kissed and said goodbye and i felt fulfilled, and i hadn't gone back to his place or degraded myself I was proud of myself for such restraint, but even more amazed that even though i knew he wanted to go farther, he didnt persue it. ( i wont disclose how i know this lets just say i know based upon certain developments shall we say. ) It was absolutely adorable. Im definitely seeing Tony again sometime very soon. I will try my best to keep from being a slut, but im definitely lying if i said i didnt want to. But i think this one may be someone to hold on to