chapter twenty: poetic device/instrument of the flesh

everyone has their own demons to carry, thats for sure, having been unemployed for six months ive had my hands tied up in looking for jobs and running myself ragged, as well as being completely swept up in a relationship drama of every sort. My friends have been having growing pains of their own, im still waiting for blake to post so i can put together the final episode of lipsynch lullabyes together before we start filming the first season of episodes, and get the cast together which poses another issue of itself but i digress. over the past few months, ive been wrestling with many things, including a secret relapse of alcoholism to the point where to get any sleep at all i was drinking every night, even going so far as to steal a little bit of my brothers extensive stash of booze. ive been completely ripped open over the fact that i had such a terrible relationship with matt someone who i thought at first i had a really good connection with but ended up being broke up with by him twice.After that i finally had the brains to not take him back for this indignity, but when i tried to be civil because its the type of person i am he spat it back in my face we ended up getting into a gunslinging war of insults over text message and i got chewed over by his new boyfriend whom ive never met dont care to and  frankly feel a little sorry for just because hes ignorant both to the story and history between HIS boyfreind and the person hes attempting a confrontation with , as well as because i know he will end up being hurt by matt like i was because he seems to have developed feelings for him which is a dangerous avenue to persue because i know how honestly afraid matt is. a part of me bleeds for this poor soul whos so caught up he cant see hes about to be ripped apart by a tiger shark whos incapable of talking beyond simple words without getting pissed off at the other person having an opinion different or otherwise. What hurts most though is that this all has dredged up the pain and memories i buried deep in my subconscious..the memories o my first love brian with whom i still have yet to speak with since defriending him over a year ago. ive been through a lot of soul searching, there were times that i doubted the existence of god at all in these past few years, my faith has been tested and im finally reconcilled my religious leaps of faith, with both my own inner struggles and the things i know all too well to be absolutely true no guessing or faith required. i had spent my time in recent years cursing god but with my job interview coming up soon and my inner strength and virtue and general light returning i feel more at peace with my creator. ive been through a complete makeover of the soul and found out that i wasnt over half of the stuff i thought i was and that i should learn to grieve instead of repress.its been a growing exercise in my life recently. who can say if ive been changed for the better , i think so , i like to believe so, but i know for certain ive been changed for the good, and recently learned that ive been a great influence on some people but with some need to step up my role, ive stopped thinking of myself as a person in personal terms but in a less selfish incarnation of what a person can be, i have learned to think of myself in terms of an activist or icon . i have learned to think of myself as....thats it . i have learned to think of myself, i thinks thats what in therapy they call a break through