Chapter 17: funny the way it is

inspiration... it can strike at any moment, and leave when you need it most. My muse has been good to me over the years, and when im not hearing her in my ear its usually because shes telling me i need to find inspiration by fixing my old work. as i grow more and more as a writer ive been maturing but the one thing remains the same. i write from the heart, alone at two or three am when the world is asleep and im feverishly typing away at whatever computer i happen to have access to. as ive grown ive kept elements lost elements, and always continued to change and innovate but never losing my style and never compromising gthe integrity of characters for the purpose of the plot. its a passion and i know it has always been a love of mine, ever since i started writing in first grade when i would piece together little short children stories. Writing has always been a voice when i felt i had none, and it never stopped to improve over the years i learned that i suck at writing books, but i have a true talent at writing scripts because i simply see the story in my mind and write it out , work on it , develope the dialogue and carefully craft my way from one point to another with a rather unique style. and as my inspiration comes and goes i become more and more invested in finding it once again, and the only way i know to find anything is to expand my view, and look within myself for the things i cannot find externally. in doing this i have moved from being the little child making miniscule storybooks , to the dorky kid writing fantasy sci fi books, to the script writer who was a punk teenager with mortality and bloodshed on the mind, just trying to understand his nightmares, and starting out writing movies and theatre inadvertantly by starting out writing by simply making a script based on what i would have done differently in the movie scream which i thought was the most inventive story in modern horror when i was in middle school and quite uncool. Eventually i became invested in writing storys instead of circumstances with a few lines, i learned to craft a character that was true and real and that people could care about. I eventualy grew out of my shyness and began to open up about my writing both by writing characters that each carried a piece of me and as well as being able to let people read what i had written. in the end i think it was actually my writing that helped me come out all those years ago when i was in ninth grade and had just started to do real writing or the first time. and eventually moved from being the horror writer to being the dramatic horror writer to being the trageic dramatic thriller writer to being the tragedy/love/drama/horror/happyness/triumph and pretty much all facets of life writer that i am today . and as i was watching videos on youtube, i stumbled across one i hadnt seen in a long while but i distinctly remember it capturing my attention when i first saw it back in 2007 on daytime tv when i was skipping school to be away from the world of the shallow people i was forced to be educated with. it was a phenominon. and it took until 2007 for it to happen on daytime but it was the first kiss of luke and noah on as the world turns which i remember watching biting my nails heart pounding hungry for more, then i remembered how i had never really started watching before then but then got really sad when it all ended in 2010 but stumbling across the old nuke vid made me inspired to write a soap opera about some version of the truth of what i remember experiencing and witnessing in highschool and im going to share it with the world

Chapter ...Oh fuck i forgot

so .... its been months since i last blogged but for the record nothing much has changed. Life still continues to make me its bitch. no strike that people still manage to fuck with my life , namely people i havent even met yet. I know i have some rather whorish tendancies but even i take no joy in getting fucked over by people who ive never met or harmed or done anything to. The purpose of this ranting is not to have a woe is me moment but to proffess how much i thoroughly despise the way the education system where i live works. 17 years, ive given SEVENTEEN FUCKING YEARS to being a good person and taking what im given and working around it and being a good sport when i plan around shit and then watch those plans be ruined at the last second by someone or having everything be changed or just completely nullified. I am a thespian , acting is quite literally in my blood, i love theatre with a passion, its the highest form of art, immediately under it is my third love in life music, ( the second love of course being men [ hot ones that think im attractive not the ugly ones that are living proof that sterilization of some people is a good thing]) the thing i love about theatre is its all encompassing , everything you learn from all walks of life, literally everything i have ever learned in any classroom, is both applicable and conversely is enhanced by theatre. as well there are also a lot of things i have learned from theatre that i would have never learned anywhere else, it is in fact a seperate world that effects the rest of the world and is effected by the rest of the world but yet amazingly still maintains its own individualism , in short it is just like me as a person. is it any wonder that theatre is the subject i chose to do my senior project on. ; a project that is supposed to teach us about organization ( theatre is also well organized) but as it turns out this project is the most disorganized hot mess of a thing i have ever seen and has gone from seeminly easy to fucking impossible in the blink of an eye for me. My product, which is the second biggest part of your grade on the project right after the research paper, was a show, write the script, cast it , direct it do the lighting plots for it build the sets obtain or create the props, ( i opted to help my fellow thespian friend blake by lettin her do the makeup and costuming for it) as well as arranging the publicites booking the stage, organizing rehearsals, etc. the list goes on and on because to accurately take part in all the aspects of a theatrical production, or at least all the technical aspects, you find you have no more space in your hat drawer when your done dabbling in them all. The first snag in the damn thing was getting a mentor , which i am still unable to do the second was scripting because at the time of scripting my now ex friend barb was supposed to be the choreographer and producer althought she ended up backing out and had no fucking clue what a producer does, nor did she ever ave the ability to pull her head out of her boyfriends lap to take the time to do any of those duties , yet another hat i had to add to my vast collection. after scripting it she of course wanted to cast it and as the director you must take a particular interest in who is cast , that is to say your the one who casts it , well as it turns out she didnt tell anyone about the casting but rather was going to rely on some of the flightiest people who she for some undetermined reason idolizes even thought they arent exactly hot shit and talk about her as if she were a huge joke, after careful examination of our friendship after it had run its course, i came to the conclusion that indeed she is one, and a manipulative backstabbing ship jumping , pretensious, two faced, harlottesq, one at that. when she did not manage to break the production i had the arduous task of making up for all the time she squandored while making empty promises and lies that she had actually done what she was supposed to , aka pulling her end of the duties. starting with the booking of the auditorium, and casting the show. i had gotten that done after what amounts to pulling teeth, and had amassed myself a schedule that provided a full week for building set, and then another two for rehaersals and getting the music and rigging the lights, that would need to be brought from my personal collection at home because they didnt come standard in our system. but then last week , i learned that they moved the date up to four days after the spring musical ... which i was already splitting my time with because im in that as well as being the god like figure captaining this show. the date for the presentations of the whole damned thing was now moved to may 11th , MY damn ship has been sunk . i may not graduate now because i have nothing prepared, simply because i now have no time because they moved things to a date that is a full month ahead of when it was originally all to be due, i was already going to be cutting it close because of the fact that i have been job searching rehearsing, trying to simply keep myself alive, and get all my classwork done and this , now i learn that they move the damn date up to before the only time i was able to get the auditorium, and i now have no product no mentor only two meetings with my advisor ,.... basically meaning the portfolio portion of the grade is completely gone and im going to have to pull something out of my ass or fail my last year of high school because of some stupid guinea pig program they instituted recently thats going to be the deciding factor as to wether or not you get a diploma the whole time we were working on it theyve been changing the guidlines and ive been struggling to work around it but now i have literally no time. to do any of the things i had planned and i will probably not have actors because they all have lives, and arent going to give up the only time i would now have to get in a single rehearsal which i would have to film to prove we actually did something. The only thing the school system where i live has ever tried to do is to churn out future medical students future teahcers and future ass kissing assistants to future ceos. But if you want to have a life that has any substance or meaning im sorry but your going to have to do all this without a diploma good luck getting the part time job you need to keep your happy as off the streets and fed because thats no longer happening because weve decided to fuck you over one last time before your finally free, we saved the best for last, and the best part is you could have either dropped out or graduated early last year, and been fine because you would have ended up in the same fucking place but now your future is ruined and weve wasted your present hahahahahahahah. to this i say FUCK YOU ALAMANCE BURLINGTON SCHOOL SYSTEM AND FUCK FUCK FUCK < MURDER< AND FUCK YOUR CORPSE WITH A TWO FOOT DISEASED MAGGOT COVER DICK whoever inveted the graduation project, i swear to god i may fucking have 20 pounds left from starvation by the time i get that bare foot of mine in the door but when im on top , i swear im going to use my hard earned influence to get kids to drop out and when they do noone will pay your checks and you will all know the struggles im now going to have to face. ..... so if there was ever any doubt this is why i smoke like a freight train, and drink so much , and am probably destined to have a crippling bout with alcoholism, EDUCATION HAS BEEN A COMPLETE WASTE OF MY FUCKING TIME NOW ALL THINKS TO A FEW JACKASSES WHO MAKE TOO FUCKING MUCH MONEY AND HAVE LOST ALL TOUCH WITH REALITY AND FEEL LIKE PLAYING GOD WELLL SINCERELY FUCK YOU ALL