Chapter Twenty Six: the deathly hallows of attonement

Over these past few years iv grown immensly even now i see myself as a different person completely foreign to who i was at starting this tell all of the inconsequent details of my highly bizarre life. I have realized that people change fundamentaly as they grow, but its important to make sure the way your changing is for the better and in keeping with the person you were to start with, to change is not betraying your past, but simply an inclusion of new ideals and insights that affect your course as it goes. Im no longer angry at David, or at Blake for that matter, im sorry for them. Even as i have changed i have not become a different person in the sense that i am no longer the same internally as i was from the start of this journey of life. ive made critical errors and ive urned away people who i should have heard out. For that im sorry, but unlike Blake and David, i still know myself through it all, i face things in the same way, and ive learned and progressed where as they have denied and regressed in due time. Despite their attempts to belittle and break me, i have found more inner strength and learned a more acute definition of who i am as a person because of all this strife they dealt me. Im sorry for them because they dont know who they are anymore if they ever did at all, they lost the faith. I still believe that people are good, part of me always will, i speak out in anger and need to learn more self control, im far too capricious and i cling on to things that will only seek out to tear me apart from within. I torture myself too much. But i have also wronged some people in my path by trying to warn them and help them and simply proceeding in the wrong way about it, and in my duality of being honest and being a person worhty of trust i have encountered many conflicts in which i sacrificed the wrong thing for the purpose of containing and neutralizing the situation. I think it will always be difficult but i think im figuring it out a little more as i go along. I talked to god not long ago, i was under the throws of a heavy migrane and almost killed myself inadvertantly trying to pacify it with ibupropen. My heart stopped for three minutes and i thought to myself its finally time for the reaper to come. In my intense state of mind i talked to god, i discovered a little more than i knew before about the purpose of this life, no struggling is in vain even if nothing significant comes of it its what you learn about yourself from it that counts, and for that im grateful to have been through the heartache they and many other before them caused me. No less than 5 years ago i was an angry explosive trigger happy jump the gun take no prisoners person, somewhere along the lines i discovered a little peice of the puzzle that helped me learn to control myself, im still not there in many respects but im far better and no worse for the wear because of the things that happen to me. I think were brought to the bring of death and the point where we beg for the ending to appreciate the value and weight of our choices and why its best to make informed decisions and do no harm intentionally, i can honestly say ive been harmed intentionally so i can learn what not to do to people. I have harmed others and for that im deeply sorry but only out of my inability to react, and not knowing how my choices would affect those around me. I have sought forgiveness from them and im still doing that. In somesituations noones wrong, which simply means everyone is at fault for their own fault, noone ever said coexistence was an easy undertaking, but im beginning to see the light, my eyes are opened a little bit wider , my pupils have dialted and i feel more at terms with being alive, and now i find more comfort in it than i once did in the hope of death. If i could talk to myself when i was twelve i would tell him he was beautiful and that it would be worht it in the end. Ive had some great experiences despite having been in some deeply horrid times. Feel sorry for the ones that have everything handed to them, they dont know what it means to be a person and never will. Humility through struggle strength through wounding, lessons in time, pain to know soothing, the darkness to know the glory of the son, through our bleeding we are one.

Chapter twenty five: over the hill, under the moon

Its been a decent amount of time to pass, and yet not much has changed.
The drama is ever present in my life, but the difference is all in the perspective
I've accepted my own ignorance, to trust those i mistakenly looked passed the initial bad vibes from
I despise that. Its not something i'm exactly willing to accept that trust is naive. I truely want to believe people are good deep down, but i keep getting bit in the ass by my willingness to believe in the good, that clearly is outweighed by the bad in some people. Ive been used a lot in my life. Ive been slandered and bad mouthed and ive let people belittle me and not object, ive been too passive. and that will change. Im a good person. Id give someone the shirt from my back if i thought they needed it more, its in my nature to care for others, i cant shut off my feelings, i cant turn off my conscience, it makes me so succeptable to believing in people who i want nothing more than to trust and believe that they are genuinely good, even though they wrong me even though they make mistakes. But this week i have been forced to face the unfortunate truth myself, that some people cant be saved from the void within theirselves. It astounds me that im so young and yet there are so many things i understand that noone else in my world seems to like the value of virtuosity, generosity, belief, confidence, faith and trust. Sadly ive come to find some people are indeed bad. Its not their fault they are so internalize they dont even realize what theyre doing to the people like myself that are extending a hand to help them out of their dark depression is harmful. Ive been hurt and heartbroken more than once by David Zich. I honestly dont know what the truth is anymore. At the start of all of this, all he wanted was my brother, i was attracted but i wasnt going to try to come between that, then he kissed me on new years after i had swallowed my pride and sidelined my urge to persue his affections, i tried to avoid him all that night and he kept following me like a lost puppy, and then to kiss me turned my world upside down with confusion and misdirection. The next day the fallout happened and once again i was not good enough for him to consider as someone worthy of being given a chance to have a relationship with him. I hated him for that for a while not because of just the rejection but the constant torture that he wouldnt speak or write a message to me to explain his actions, but he would continually poke me on my facebook, reminding me everyday that what had happened had happened and he had had his fun and was blaming me. And then after him deciding to talk to me after i had given up on the whole thing once more, he charmed me and convinced me he did care and the feelings were mutual. And like the sucker i am i proceeded to gratify his desire to destroy me from within. Somewhere in all the ambiguity,i allowed myself foolishly to become attached, my biggest mistake was trusting him to be aware of that sensitive information, he played me like a fiddle in the hands of a musical prodigy. Artfully and with horrid precision. The worst part is this is not the end of the story. After our sexual escapade in the back of his car, we proceeded to go to victors keeping the secret was my new burden to bare but the part of me that believed he was actually being honest with me before took it on without issue. On the way my car finally gave out after having been running on twenty year old battery cables that had been corroded to the point of being useless. I called david after trying to get it to start for a while and he came back much to my astonishment something i took as a subtle sign of genuine honesty and the hope that perhaps i wasnt a complete idiot for sharing my affections with him in the first place. less than a month passes, and i find myself being alerted by him that hes finally found someone worth having a relationship with, its not my brother, its also not me. I was happy for him, though it pained me i would have rather been his friend and bare the agony that i wasnt good enough than to not know him at all. But tonight i had a conversation that broke my heart to peices, it started with him bragging about his new concubine that hes ever so enthrawled with, at which point he said he would like me to meet him as hes such an amazing guy. To which i replied, he seems like it, i just want to ge tthe hell out of North Carolina and find something real. and so the picking and prodding began, where he kept inquiring and i kept telling, but when it came to my turn to ask a question after establishing my discontent with my eternal single life and not being able to have any kind of mutual attachement to anyone. He had the audacity to ask me what i was doing wrong as if i hadnt been asking the question to myself for the past six years of my life. I asked him to tell me, considering he fell into the catergory of people that seemed to have their way with me then decide they were finally ready to settle down with someone else after. To which he avoided the question as always has been the case before when such questions arose, And he told me " i was never attracted to you at all" where do i call bullshit on everything before or on what was being told to me now, either he used me as i thought he was doing in the beggining or he was lying to me now for some undisclosed reason. It broke my heart that he could be so cruel as if it would be something constructive. No details no helpful maybe you should change this about yourself just a malicious cruel statement. It made it clear to me that all along i was just a pawn of some sort or some device to him, and i let it occur as deplorable as that is. never in my life have i felt as stupid as i do now. And it couldnt happen at a worse time considering i just got fucked over and damaged irrevocobly by trusting someone for four years who i thought was really my friend but turned out to be a lying manipulative slanderous person. It makes me wonder are the days of trust and respect for fellow human beings gone, are virtues outdated, is nothing sacred. Am i stupid to have such romanticized ideas about life, is it too eutopian an idea to think you could trust someone and have that good faith returned, or when you build the bridge of trust are you simply prolonging suicide as you wait on the bridge as it burns? if anyone is reading this... will someone please tell me if i should continue in my ways of believing that there is still good in the world or if i should just give up on the hope that any decent people are left and just be dishonest and untrusting and shady with everyone i meet, either one feels a rotten thought but i can honestly think i dont know anymore it took 18 years and two people to destroy all sense of knowledge i once thought i had and with it all sense of hope i had that people arent all dispicable like most of the ones ive met .

Chapter twenty four: trials and tribulations

As it turns out, i am no over David Zich, In Fact ive come to learn that im actually in love with him, he finally talked to me the week after austen and i hooked up, after i had gone to the doctor for bronchitis and been doped up pretty good, we talked from 10pm to 8am on that saturday, after which we decided to meet up, and ..... being passionate as i am, i ended up hooking up with him in the back of his car, after which we decided to go see our friend victor in seperate cars, i took mine, which was a mistake, the battery cables were bad and my car died on the interstate. Luckily i called david after realizing i couldnt fix it myself and he came back for me much to my astonishment took me around to the auto parts store and back and to get some food, it was unfortunate but romantic none the less. I still havent repayed him but i know i need to, he told me the day after that hes still not wanting to be in a relationship but i have the spark of hope of knowing that he may be someday. and at this point im perfectly happy being in his life as his friend just so long as im in his life, ive never felt this way about anyone before other than brian my first love. Who i havent thought about since meeting David which is what tells me hes special. And someone worth persuing, i still talk to austen on a regular basis, as well as a guy named geoffrey who i met at syn and sky the day after David and i had our encounter. everythings up in the air but they are all nice guys, in truth i want david above all of them but im going to see if any of the other two go anywhere, after the breaking down on the highway episode my car was out of commission for two almost three weeks, during which time i spent every dime i had on a new alernator, new spark plugs and replacement battery cables which turned out to be the only thing initially wrong with it but im glad to have replaced the other things just because i no longer have to worry about them in the future for some time. On a side note that all ties in, i had an intervention with blake and britney and sarah after we all hung out for the last time, Blake once again ran from her problems and refused to face the truth which is no big shock, but to take someone side over sarah was inexcuseable especially considering the circumstances which i cant go into but from that day, or in all reality from new years eve on weve all been drifitng apart, well all of us have been drifting away from blake because she cant admit shes wrong in anything. I being the tenacious person i am sent her a heartfelt message over facebook explaining everything as it is, and how i feel after learning from her bat shit crazy mother that shes moving away to roxboro and didnt tell any of us up to and including her dad. she never replied directly to the message but instead put her status as LALALA IM NOT LISTENING, and obvious reffrence to the inconvenient truth of her present situation and actions and bad decidions that she cant own up to, obviously this infuriated me. But i decided to extend the olive branch once more when i decided to talk to her in person when i saw her coming down from my neck of the woods on her way to her boyfriend taylors house, who is the only one other than the cause of drama and friction that started all of this, that is worht her time. I followed her and caught up to her and started to blink my lights for her to pull over i hadnt talked to her seen her or heard from her in upwards of a week. she flipped me off and sped up. I being the person i am became determined like it was a new vendetta to catch up to her or follow her to her destination and deliver the bracing reality check she so rightfully needed. next thing i know we are going 110 miles an hour. I find it humorous she thought she could outrun me in her cavalier when she tops out at 110 and my little hoopty will go 130 and not break a sweat. but i began to ride her ass to get her to pull over . She called me while i was behind her, and i answered with " yes im behind you i need to talk to you pull over theres something i need to say in person that you need to hear" i truely cared about not letting go of a friendship tha i would risk a ticket , and my life considering my baring is bad since saturday when i got hit by another car on guilford college road. but she replied with "NO YOU NEED TO BACK THE FUCK OFF AND STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE" to which i began to yell over her, that she needed to shut up listen and face the truth because she never has and its important and if she doesnt talk to me now shes going to lose me as a friend forever and im the last friend she has . I dont know where in my speech she hung up the phone i just know that she did, thankfully for her wellbeing britney called me or else i would have either hit her or followed her to her boyfriends house and caused a scene and ruined her life and possibly her makeup job as i hae never been more rageful angry or spiteful toward a person as she had just made me in all of two seconds. Britney talked me down and i went the other way and went back home. only to learn that her dad had asked me over facebook what has been going on with her to which i told the entire account. I went yesterday to get my stuff she had borrowed and never returned from her house her step mother told me i was always welcome there despite my no longer being friends with blake. It feels terrible to have lost a friend but i feel as though at the same time a poison has been removed from my life. She has been talking about me behind my back now trying to spread things and turn the outside friends of ours who are uninvloved and uninformed agains britney sarah and i. I took her her scarf back or at least attempted to today when i saw she was at work for the first time in weeks. i was civil but i was gritting my teeth. when i heard her say what she said after she thought we were out of earshot i almost lost it. but the truth is im not going to seek her out or anything of the sort but she should know if she wants to keep talking and trying to get at me to be vindictive like she is. i will destroy her social life and make her life a hell i have the resources i know how. she may be a libra but she should know enough about astrology to know you never want to truely screw over andpiss of a pisces. it just kills me that after my being there for her everytime she needed me and being her friend and confidant that she woudl turn on me and betray and abandon me over some guy she doenst even know, that shes cheated on, that she doenst even know has talked shit behind her back and is only with her now because hes essentially maimed and knows noone else would be interested and she was already on the hook. i wish her a fun ride downt the road shes on to hell because her ticket is one way and shes walking the path alone. in similar news i spent the day before the epic car chase that ended all possibility of reconciliation between me and my new ex bestfriend. before that i was at my freind victors house from friday to saturday. i had planned to clean and fulfilled my promise on friday and saw david once again much to my happiness, blake britney and sarah and i as well as devon bovine and cody lee were supposed to go to the straight club but seeing as blake had planned it i was unsurprised when the plans were cancelled. so i stayed the night and talked politics and met victors newest concubine. the next day we all hung out and i went in my car following them to a resturaunt from which after we intended to go to the q lounge. fate had other plans, on guilford college road i was following and then saw a suv turn its signal on and start to merge into my line, about to hit me in the side on my drivers door and possibly kill me, i accelerated quickyl but i was struck in the back door on the drivers side. it slammed me into the curb and runied my barring , and forced me to fishtail. i went to the nearest turn off which turned out to be a school parking lot and got out the car thankfully came to a stop there too and checked to see i was alrigth i was rather distraught considering i had just fixed my car the previous week. the police came and after filling out a report i proceeded to eat. and then home. the next day we already know what happened. but i find it odd that in one week so much occurred in one month a lifetimes worht of experiences has been thrown my way. and today i had a misunderstanding with victor regaurding the day i stayed over adn got into my accident. where it was perceived that i was trying to cuddle with victors new boy toy, which couldnt have been farther from the truth. but it was sorted out. if this werent my life i would swear it was the best written soap opera tv drama around .