Chapter 37: all that glitters is not gold.

Its been almost 4 months since i last spoke to Austen. And theres nothing left but a blackhole where a heart once was. I dont know wha it is about me that always falls for the unavialable, but it sickens me to know that for whatever reason i was not good enough. But someone else, who i dont know, who probably is a really nice person, is. But that person isn't me. It seems to be my lot in life that the moment i become attached is when things go to hell in a handbasket for me. I'm the proverbial last stop on the bus before you get to happily ever after. I could have been the best thing ever, that could have been my be all end all. But now what could have been is a pile of ashe smoldering away as what was is no more. I did nothing whatsoever, forgave when others would condemn, loved when most would have left, and cared when noone else would give a damn. And still it was all for naught as i watched with my own two eyes as what was my reason for living was so frivelously traded away and regarded as nothing of value. I will never understand what it is about me that makes other people think i'm disposable but i know i will not allow myself to care again. not for a long time at least. My soul burns red with regret and anger, that i was not good enough, when i was the best i could be. Why wasn't it enough, and why does everything i touch turn to shit. I guess some things i will never comprehend, one thing i try to understand but keep coming up with no answers for. It vexes me that i have no answers to explain to myself what went wrong, perhaps nothing went wrong perhaps i was clinging to something that was never destined to be. But how could that be, when it was the closest thing to real that i've ever seen? I cry to the universe "is there hope out there for me" or am i just destined forever to dance in misery?