Chapter eight: behind the music ( lyrics)

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Relat-(ion)-sinking-ships

"the past is the past
or so they say
but i cant help bringing it up
in these social outings
and my oh my, isnt it astounding
how people never change
your still the same
and hes the lucky one
so why do you keep
dialing my number all the time
just to feed me the same old tired lines"

i cut my hair and dyed my bangs
change my earrings and my name
and somehow i still fall for your type
and after everyone of them is gone
i still see your face
oh isnt he the lucky one
but does he know the secrets your hiding
and how you just cant
keep my name out of your mouth
maybe its time you figure this out

" the past is the past
or so they say
but i just cant help
brining it up in these social outings
and my oh my isnt it astounding
how people never change
your still the same
isnt he the lucky one
so why do you keep dialing
my number all the time
just to feed me
the same old tired lines"

i gave you my time for free
and kept your sullied memory
you didnt want to keep me
good to know im only worth fucking
and they wonder why im low on self esteem

"the past is the past or so they say
but i cant help bringing it up
in these social outings
and my oh my isnt it astounding
how people never change
your still the same
and hes the lucky one
so why do you keep dialing
my number all the time
just to feed me
the same tired lines"

arent these the places
and the faces
we still treasure mutually
you seem distressed
but your the one thats haunting me
and lately ive been thinking

"the past is the past or so they say
but i just cant help bringing it up
in these social outings
and my oh my isnt it astounding
how people never change
your still the same
and hes the lucky one
so why do you keep dialing
my number all the time
just to give me
the same tired lines"

well maybe im too good for you
but why are we both still longing
your friends could never mean anything
but yet you choose pretty faces and accuainting
over love and extacy

"the past is the past or so they say
but i cant help bringing it up
in these social outings
and my oh my isnt it astounding
how people never change
your still the same
and hes the lucky one
so why do you keep dialing
my number all the time
to give me the same tired lines"

well when you get back to your
charades and poker
remember that for a moment you let
your guard recede for me
pardon me for being upset
when i thought that meant something
keep trying to forget
and crawl back to your closet

The past is the past or so they say
but i cant help bringing it up
in these social outings
i express what you try to repress
but why are you so ashamed and why are you hiding
tag your it because im done with counting
if you want me again well good luck finding
love once lost cant be reclaimed
yet i still fall for your type
the same pretty faces to whom i am nothing
more than just a fling

i wrote this song because i was looking through my yearbook and couldnt help noticing the face of the first true love, again, and then it reminded me of how all my relationships kind fo ended the same way , the only difference is that , they actually had more of a degree of honesty considering that my other ....suitors.. had come out of their closets at least to some degree and it was openly discussed and not a beat around the bush kind of code like thing to them , and unlike those other relationships , i was deeply attatched because up until 11th grade i had been hanging on to the hope that maybe in some sense of some way he ould eventually be in my life in some facett even as a friend because i really would rather have had to endure the pain of watching him living a lie , dating girls and cutting holes in my heart every day than to have to go on life without him in it at all , i would rather be in agony over him but with a tiny ray of hope if it meant that he even noticed me and could recall my name and even play along as if i existd to him as more than just some random face in our highschool population. i was looking through the year book because were doing senior superlatives and i had to figure out who ( a male and a female ) to put for best looking and best hair because they were as of yet unclaimed on my list which is due today. It got me thinking why is it that all my relationships have the same routine crash course. is there some kind of meeting house all these guys go to and meet with the first guy i had sex with and converse and go amongst themselves asking how do i emotionally break this kind trusting person, but get some sexual favors out of it in the process. and then come up with the blueprint of . Introduce yourself. Like everything i like and be very interesting , Particularly the ones that arent so hot. And say all the right things. play around a little bit to keep me thinking they actually might be right for me in some sense by "contemplating via some me time" how to work out the distance thing for those that live out of the county or city which is a great percentage. And for the coupe de gras either string me along for a month and set up date after date that they break or actually meet me and get their fill. and then completely cut me out of their life as if i dont matter whatsoever move on to the guy theyve had waiting on side the entire time. But then after a while work their way so that they are like a ghost that i have to somehow encounter everytime i go online or everytime i walk through the hallway at school silently driving me mad. Even after i remove them from my friends list i somehow still have to see their name pop up on my news feed. Its gotten to the point that i have no idea where im going in my relationships why cant i meet someone who is both gay and an honest to god real person.  it seems as though im either going through this tragic series of events to fuel my creative passions and make me a better writer or to give me something to talk about amongst my friends or the worst of all the possibilities, and i shudder to think this because i enjoy being an optimist , Maybe im destined to be alone or to be a perpetual slut that is continualy duped by guy after guy after guy into giving up the key to the goody jar and not making them leave a deposit as collateral. what is going to become of me later on in life will i grow up to be one of those cat ladys that only has stories wisdom and other things of that nature that amount to nothing but memories and advice for the younger gay generation that seek guidance from their elders, maybe i will end up being the male fag hag, thats far too past their prime to get any action at the clubs in the underground scene btu that everyone still likes to take out buy drinks and listen to the soapbox rants and watch get inebriated and act like a fool. Maybe thats my future, i hope not but one has to wonder. Pray for me that it isnt so and that i meet at least a few guys that think of me as more than just a hard to get one night stand that they will write off later after conquering , like the wild animals that once bagged tagged , turned into a rug is just throw down on the floor of the back room to grace the dust. i dont know what the future holds but hopefully things will improve for me soon because i dont think i have the strength to live that kind of life