being a gay man , most of my friends are either female , or gay guys. in fact i have a whole group of friends that i see every day in school and hang out wih on a regular basis. one of which is my friend barb. Barb was different from most of my friends in that she did not entire my life until last year. We shared similar interest the most important one being our love of theatre and in fact we spent a great deal of time bonding during the spring musical. she and i became fast friends and soon we were spending lots of time together. She went to middle college at the start of this school year where she became friends with my friend chris who had been sort of estranged for some time, incidentally she was responsible for bringing us back together after a few years of not talking to each other. Barb left middle college and came back to school with me after a few month. Not long after i got a call from her in the middle of the night asking me to pick her up. Being the good friend i am i did , and listened to her sobingly tell me how she was kicked out once again by her aunts only this time she was not going to go back when they came to their senses. She moved in with my friend blake and soon after got a boyfriend and so the drama begins.
Barb had become estranged from us and spent all her time with her boyfriend and the wedge between all of us widened. soon after there were rumors going around between us and the whole thing became one big exaggeratted mess. last week we all sat down and had an intervention which has seemed to work. Today was the first time in many many months that all of us went to lunch as a group. and i can honestly say i had more fun than i had in a long time.
leaving the lunch i spent a little time at barnes and noble with blake and brittany before going back to my car and leaving for home. on the way home i decided to stop by my work. ( i had to tell you the story above for this story to be relevant you'll see why in a minute just stick with me). on the way down the hill i hit a huge ice patch . i was only going about 15 mph but i still began to slide it wasnt anything dramatic except that i came within inches of a medium from which a gate is positioned, and from that gate is a long pole that sticks out at about head level with me from the perspective of the car. i came about six inches from death. and i sat there thinking , now after all of the drama has finally simmered down ( aside from the men in my life of course but thats nothing new and i doubt drama will ever completely extracate itself from that part of my life) and i was thinking to myself wouldnt it suck if i had died after all that.
After running a few errands and insuring i would survive financially to my 18th birthday (after which i can always sell my dignity for folded singles in the nightclubs to pay the bills). I headed home. On the news i was watching and saw all these stories about kids that had died as a result of the winterry weather and i kept thinking that could have easily been me today. It was after that , that i realized i have goals and ideas of how to achieve them , but nothing in my life is set so far and i dont want to die without having achieved my dreams, god knows i dont want to see the so called golden years, but i want to see my dreams fullfilled. After my underly dramatic near death experience, which after having quite a few they dont seem to shake me up anymore, i thought is it anygood to even make a plan? Or is it better to just float along making ends meet meanwhile hustling your way towards your goals, Do you need to go to college and get a specified degree and try your best to enter whatever field youve set your sights too, and what do you do if you do all that and you cant get your foot in the door after that how do you go about achieiving your dreams and ambitions. And is there a plan for everyone, its things like this that we should be exploring in high school but noone ever seems to take the time because theyre too busy trying to get us to make up our minds about which school to apply to and which sorrorities or frats to pledge and which high interest loans to take or what scolarship to hope for after exhausting yourself doing the projects that merrit the sholarship. I have to wonder is this what were meant for. It seems to me the only safe plan is to not have a plan. But at the same time you cant always rely on guile and a smile while living on mom and dads money. Least of all for me because my mom doesnt have any money to spare between my three siblings and i and my dad cant exactly care for me financially from the grave. And so im stuck questioning, where does it go from here and i know the steps in the middle i need to take but what step needs to be the first step and how do i get to that first step and what do you do if you fall from the path?
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