For the past few years its seemed as if my world was at odds with itself. Although then again i guess it always kind of will be otherwise it would never be progressing. Ive reevaluated a lot of things in my life lately , particularly my love life, and ive figured out that maybe im just better off living out fantasies and fettishes than i am waiting on mr. right , and just make do with mr. right now. Maybe its just not meant to be that i will find the perfect guy without transitioning. And plus it seems like every guy i find that has at least most of the qualities that im looking for in a partner has no intentions of being with me. But at the same time what am i doing with my life thats going to hold me through the dreaded waiting period. You know what i mean, the time where your sitting by yourself , alone , with noone else , on saturday nights all your friends occupied with their signifigant other, and all your eternally single friends inexplicably are unreachable. it seems as though whenever i get pummelled into pieces , figuratively of course, it intensifies by the pain of knowing that my friends are always too busy for me. I used to channel that energy into focusing my attention on my job. Unfortunately thats no longer possible considering i got fired on friday. yes fired as in the dreaded donald trump statement you never want to hear. i managed to go from being happy and content and double employed in november, to being unemployed broken hearted disenchanted and lonely in january. let me tell you how it started.
It started when i got suspended after missing a meeting with my boss and performing rather poorly in an inservice staff meeting. My swimming skills were never good when it came to doing laps simply because i never learned the flipturn and my sides always hurt doing laps of anykind, like the time i vommited in gym class after doing 7 suicides , but i ran the quickest mile in my class the same week. Anyway , during my hiatus , i began to feel the strain of financial deficiency. And began the routine of filling out job applications and waiting , and waiting, and waiting. One day miraculously my insomnia payed off for me however. In the form off i went into a body relapse that put me in a deep sleep after about a full month of physical exhaustion and running on an hour of sleep or less a night. I didnt wake for school and got up at around ten thirty , at ten thirty five the phone rang. The number was restricted and i knew it wouldnt be a redialable number if i didnt answer it then. I answered and spoke with the HR person for target one of the many places i had applied , they asked me down for an interview at one o clock . I went to the interview and recieved a seasonal job offer. After a few months of working and being happy and grateful for a job the time came to an end. I went down to my first job which i was then still employed yet and asked when i could go back on the schedule. SHe told me i could go back on when i proved that i was still fit to go back on a lifeguard stand. so i made an appointment to do so and then finally that day came. I went in and began with a warm up 100 meter , i chose to do with brast stroke. i breezed through it fairly simply. Immediatley after i was told i had to do a 300 meter freestyle without stopping. I struggled to breath and i felt my lungs grow sore and every muscle hurt to move i struggled and struggled through it as my sides ached and i felt my lunch come up into my throat. Finally i had completed my task , i then had to swim another 100 meter breast stroke. it hurt to do it the entire way . but at least i could breath although, my muscles were fatigued and i knew the whole way through i was going to vomit. I was dehydrated and out of shape i had miraculously finished my 500 meters of hell and then sat there waiting while holly my boss retrieved the diving brick for my next and final task. The brick swim, a relieving thing considering i was actually good at it, i excelled at doing things in deep water, the only thing i struggled with ever was swimming in laps, my deep water backboarding even something most had trouble with was top notch. the brick was thrown and i had a minute and fourty seconds to retrieve it , i swam to it as fast as i could i dove down like a champ and retrieved it now was the hard part. I had to keep the brick and myself above water by kicking my legs. normally it wasnt a challenge but today it inexplicably was , i couldnt keep my balance and i could not keep my ears from the water , in my failed attempts to correct it , i slipped under and had to kick off of the bottom. I finally got to the edge and got myself and the brick out of the water in one minute and fifteen seconds, but it was not a success. i had touched the bottom twice. I was flailing in the water and couldnt keep my ears above the water. As i listened to holly tell me about how horrible i did i began to trail off, and could barely hold my head up to answer questions, i crawled to the drain beside me and all the conents of my stomach ( which was mainly acid) began a mass exodus out of my mouth. I felt my sides clench up and my throat felt like it was on fire. and i could not seize control of my body as i heaved. I finished throwing up my insides, and i got my towel got water and went inside where i once again vomited but this time in a trash can. Holly told me that i would be eligable for rehire but could no longer be on payroll because i was unfit to go back in the stand, my employment as of yet had officially been terminated.
I drove home and was once again unable to piece together what i was going to do , and what the first step to getting back on track was going to be. Perhaps ill never know
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