lately ive been looking for answers to these questions i cant possibly answer and doing a lot of soul searching. In a second im going to tell you stories that have seemingly absolutely nothing to deal with this statement , and hopefully by the end of this reading you will get it. So Final exams are this week and we had to haul our asses out of the comfort of our beds to take second block exams on a saturday. Second block my friends and i all have Discrete math , which with our teacher is like being in purgatory for 90 minutes a day, only on exam day it was longer. What made it worse was there was still tension in the air from where i had cussed out my teacher the previous friday and this had been the first day back. The exam was easy but the waiting was terrible. Two hours later the bell rang and we exited the room , my friends and i decided to go out to a celebratory lunch , and my friend had asked me to pick her up a pack of smokes while i was getting a pack for myself, so i did, and i couldnt help but shake the wondering of why such an out of character request. She never did tell me the reasons why but did endulge the secret she had been keeping, that her ex boyfriend had been back in her life in some sense , and meanwhile two other guys had been toying with her emotions, and i thought to myself that is the exact situation i have been in for the entirity of my life since about sixth grade.
Ever since sixth grade i have been in love with a guy, well, not in love at first, in fact at first i found him completely fucking annoying and could not believe he was part of the popular crowd. It just goes to show you how sports can lead to instant acceptance by the shallowest of people. He played soccer and had the most beautiful eyes i had ever seen. I tried my best to keep my distance from him but we had every class together for all three years of junior high. I didnt realize how rapidly i descended into the mad world of love until 8th grade where we would have movies every other day in one class or another. And of course when there were movies playing we would always ( as a class i mean) lay down in the floor and pretty much do everything other than watch the movie. About the second time we watched a movie in class i had found myself lying next to him, and over the course of the period slowly gravitated closer and closer. By the end of the class when the lights were turned on i was lying with my head on his chest his hands were running through my hair. it continued this way for a while in fact all the way up until the last day of school, i knew about the fifth time that i was hooked. I also knew pretty early on that i wasnt the only one of us to be attracted to the other. I knew this because of two reasons one was the early sing of i made the mistake of showing him my magic hands ( im very good at massage) when he had a head ache and i spent the class period massaging his temples. From that moment on , until the end of the year he never stopped asking me to massage him, often in the stragest places, one of which was his hands, which of course i did and soon enough , when we were watching movies he began holding my hand, while i massaged them, eventually the massaging part stopped but we continued to hold hands. i also knew that the attraction was mutual because one day i looked down during one of our movie days and noticed that , well lets just say there were no rabbits in his pocket but something was jumping. I almost kissed him once. But unfortunately the bell had to ring , the lights came on and there was no way to do it discretely , and although he never said it out loud and neither did i, in the dark we were content with just each other. when the lights came on however he was all about appearances.
Middle School ended and we entered into highschool, and we never had classes with each other again, although we saw each other in the hallway and he would always look at me smile and then turn away in shame when he thought people were watching. I had come out of the closet in ninth grade although i find it hard to believe that it was really a shock to anyone who knew me in middle school , it was less taboo and far less dangerous, and i had been in enough fights in middle school without giving people information with which to tease me with. Eventually i had moved on to other prospects but never gave up hope that someday he too would come out of the closet , at least to someone other than himself. And hopefully we might end up together, although i had lost my virginity when i was 8 i had still never managed to have been kissed. And i was saving my lips for him. all the way up to junior year i had still held on to hope and not been with anyone else, or emotionally been attached to anyone i was talking to. Which was hard for me because i had met on myspace a guy that was both sweet interesting , and a smoking hot italian abercrombie and fitch model who i could not believe was interested in me. But i kept myself alone and waited for him, and then an amazing thing happened he got a facebook and i had been one of the first five people he had friended. I of course accepted and was filled with joy because he hadnt forgotten that i existed. which made it okay again that i still pined for him through all of the pain i felt tearing myself apart , it was the worst when i saw him dating a ninth grade girl that same year and i had to hide my jealousy and anger. But we got to talking again, i never pressured him or flirted out right , i did flirt a little but very coyly. Then after a while he stopped talking and i couldnt seem to get a response, at lunch i sat at a table across from the soccer players who he hung out with , ( he had a different lunch period) and every day consistently they would mutter slurs at me under their breath and throw things at me and pretend like they were oblivious to the actions they had just done when i turned around in response to whatever had been thrown at me. I realized that these douchebags opinions mattered more to him than i ever could and i realized that he would be one of tose guys that grows up gets married and has children with some dumb broad and then pulls an elton john and gets caught cheating with a guy and then comes out of the closet. But i still tried every day for three months to talk to him and every day no response but i knew he was online because every so often he would comment someone on my friends list, or post a status, but couldnt talk to me, which meant he was ignoring me , i sent him three different messages so i could know he got it , telling him he had twenty minutes to respond and talk to me or i would delete him , an hour later i begged for him to say something and twenty minutes later , i told him he had hurt me with his silence more than any physical abuse i had ever felt , and i have truely had a hard life. then i told him i never wanted to see or speak to him again, and that i sincerely was not his friend seeing as he couldnt be friends with me without feeling ashamed, i then deleted him. When i did it felt like my heart had exploded within my chest and a bomb had gone off in my brain, it was the most masochistic experience i had ever felt. Later that year, after i had mostly moved on emotionally from the trauma , and had been hurt ( ironicly mostly in the same manner) by a slew of different guys. My friend Jeri and i had gone to watch the fourth of july fireworks at the city park, we had met our friend cody there and decided to chill with him since he had noone there to chill with, and of course eing in a small town when any kind of event happens everyone you know seems to be in the same place. He walked up and of course, being with the group of people he was My friend cody had to invite them all to roll with us, they declined but still asked us to lead them to a good spot to view the fire works from. I dont know the girl he was with that night, nor do i care, but i felt both angry toward her, jealous toward her , and sorry for her, because she didnt know she was dating a guy who was living a lie. The entire way we were leading them, i could hear the two of them whispering about me behind me , and everytime i looked behind they would snicker amongst themselves and look away, and i could feel the dagger like stares piercing my back , every moment since then the brief encounters have been the same. and yet i still for some reason have something inside of me that feels attached to him.
During all this though , i had, had numerous encounters on the side that i had going, during the time after the fight , and yet, now when i see him one on one in class ( mainly theatre class i go in there all the time and he is there because hes actually part of the class, although inmy opinion he shouldnt be but then again i am sort of entitled to have rage towards him and theatre has been since starting high school my area) he smiles at me and acts like nothings wrong, and i think for a second that there might still be hope , and then i remember , and then i am filled with rage again because hes just smiling at me to mess with my emotions, a lot like cohen did. Leading me on with no intentions of ever actually going any further than a few words here and there and then completely driving me insane by not speaking to me for no apparant reason.
I cant help but think how small the world is getting when my friend and i have such similar problems, and how my problems all seem to intertwine with themselves and how all of the men in my life that have fucked me over, find some way to keep themselves in my life, and to top themselves all of them seem to link up after individually screwing up a part of my life and making me regret ever being born with a heart and emotions.
how could my ffiend and i have such similar problems, and both have the presence of mind to turn to nicotene, and keep ourselves from slipping into a total eclipsing depression, and once more, how do the worst intentioned guys seem to find nice people with turbulent pasts like us, and how do they know the ways to get away with hurting us, and why do they want to . this makes me wonder, two things, where is god during all of this, i would ask this question but i already have my answer, i would share it but , im not about to be explaining my religion, or rather spirituality, the second thing i wonder is Is there a decent guy out there for me, and will i ever find him, if so when where and will i survive long enough to see that happy day?
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