its midnight , and im sitting under s tree in my yard belting at the top of my lungs the lyrics to the song coming out of my mp3 player. And life is good. Even though im unemployed and therefore broke. even though my life has taken a turn for the difficult im breathing. im surviving. and tomorrow im going to get another pack of cigarettes which is gonna help me cope with the situations in my life that are both , impossible to handle by myself, and out of my control completely. i wont stop the sun from rising, i wont stop the clock from running out, all i can do is continue through and try to find a way to brace myself. The best way of which i know how is to focus on the positive, and find new reasons not to pull the proverbial trigger.
Im sure your wondering what does all this have to do with anything and where is the pizazz. Well rest assured there are plenty of details that lead to this state of mind where i am neither euphoric nor depressed nor even apathetic because i care tremendously. It might have something to do with the fact that i finally finished that last little bit of my two year old cough syrup that i got when i had bronchitis , it just so happens to contain hydrocodene which is to be honest amazing. or maybe its because even as the pieces of what has passed before have fallen away , im okay with it because im noticing the parts of me and my life that were most important, although some may see least practical, have remained i have a ton of new ideas for scripts but i cant really start writing them because i have nowhere to put them that i can be satisfied with that its preserved. It relates because last night i was looking through my old works and noticing how i really have grown as a writer since i first started out with writing scripts and song lyrics , back in sixth grade. I noticed that even in my early works ,while repulsive and unrefined to my now evolved sensibilities, i had a quality to it that was both entertaining and cool because i always have said what i felt needed to be said . i masterfully crafted metaphores that explained everything in a relation. and i learned as i wrote. thats all i could ask of myself, and im so glad that back when i was suicidal little preteen me in sixth grade, that i found what i needed to cope and what i needed most which was a reason for living. and as i got older and entered into theatre i found my calling and my compliment. I have found reasons . i have formed families , i have watched friends come and go each of them having enriched me in some way and in return i enriched them. and i learned that religion and foolish things we are indoctrinated into when we are infants dont define us when we grow up. In a few months ill be looking for a new job and a new place to live. i will be struggling to find a way to produce my haunted house that will produce my show that i wrote and find a new way to make my big dreams bigger than life reality. Alll the while creating and exploring the possibilities and growing both emotionally and in wisdom. All the while becoming a new version of that sweet blue eyed child that was oh so charming , that had to hide who e was and somehow found the strength through art and writing to establish himself and say without using any words that " i am who i am and i am unafraid and i wont be changed ". Although change has occurred my appearance is different that secret ingredient is still there and i still wake up every morning feeling like myself. And no hater , no lover , no teacher , no economic situation , drug, job, occupation , or even dream is going to take that away. Im just a new batch of the same original recipee that was born into this world on march 4 of 93 , and i dont think it will ever change, and i pray that it doesnt because i couldnt be happier even as the world around me becomes more and more foreign.
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