Chapter five : village of the lost

once again i found myself at the beginning of a new end. first semester is over, and creative writing is done, but so has my block, blocker. It sems having the most bizzarre and sometimes just outrageous work today was perfect distractions for me to become a more cathartic and more focused writer in everything but my creative writing writings. and i started to thinking to myself. amidst all of the ending of classes, this is my senior year, and i havent hooked up with a single guy that goes to school with me, ive survived highschool, without any relationship drama i had to live down later. but its kind of sad in a way because there are so many people i had feelings for that i went to school with, and im wondering will i ever look back with regret. Should i have given obvious signs and just throw my already damaged self at people, it sems to work perfectly for my friend kaitlyn and she has had no regrets in her highschool experience, but then again shes not a minority. im not really sure whts been plaguing me about this. Maybe its that i feel like i havent inspired anyone, i have friends that are like littel high school celebrities. friends that are in bands, friends that are actually looked up to and i keep thinking why isnt that me. im talented. i write poetry everyday, in the form of song lyrics, a lot of them are good. i never was able to form a band even though i sing quite well. and i act but yet all three of the high years, i ended up with a supporting lead, but not the star role. and i have a story to tell i have messages to spread and i believe that i could inspire people. Im one of two brave brave guys in my senior class to be out of the closet, i feel as though i should have inspired someone i know at my schoo to come out, there are quite a few i know that are standing there with the door of the proverbial closet wide open styling their party dresses and yet wont take the steps out there into the light. there are many things on my mind at the moment, but the one that rings clear is , this town is too small, and everyone knows my name, but they either fear me ir dont want to give me a chance because i know if given the opportunity i have so much to offer and would be even better if only someone would give me the break i need to make something of myself, something i can respect my reflection for, be it as a symbol of hope to closet cases or a muscial hero that people would praise as the next kurt cobain or gerrard way. or just as the leading man i always should have been . but for now i formulate my entry into the big bad world from which ive tasted more of the bitter parts, and are therefore more prepared than anyone i know. i play the supporting leads, and stand out among the idiots given a spotlight even thought they end up messing it up, and making me feel more and more annoyed with my lack of appreciation, by spurning my wisdom and advice acting as if they have been around for eons even though they know nothing and wind up missing ques , and forcing me to carry the sceneeither way they are going to get the praise becasue i wont let the show be bad, and i wont look like an idiot for letting it all go to shit by not picking up the slack, and the audience is none the wiser. hopefully when i get out into a more mature place, or a new surrounding where they dont know me or my brother whos shadow i cant live in because im far too individual and have different stories to tell characters to portray and never enough ways to express my unique brand of bliss and pain daquiri. so i write my lyrics and poetry , and all the scripts and storys and i hope one day i will find love, i will inspire someone and one day someone will listen and find value, in what i have to say and make the music with me, and i can have my moment of hometown fame that i have been craving ever since i was small and my siblings shadowed and steifelled my acclaim, thank god i still have frineds to help me meet these goals , or at least i hope that illusion is really so