The story is never simple, its never dilluted, its never up front, and it never gives you all the pieces at once. Its like a game of poker because your not playing with just your cards, your also betting on the cards of every other player at the table. My table has many seats at it, and in fact many decks of cards in rotation. ive learned over the years that no matter how convincing your poker face is theres no possible way you can cash out while your ahead. in fact once sitting at this proverbial poker table we call love you can abandon all hopes of even breaking even. Love is a game in which we all lose, and i have lost a lot. too many times to count in fact but the ones i remember i remember quite vividly.
Im not gonna start at the beginnig because to be quite honest i dont remember where it all begin. or for that matter a ood place to start. before you take this in you should know ahead of time that its a story that will give you whiplash from flashbacks and even though you probably dont know me or for that matter give a flying fuck who i am or give a damn about my problems, you will feel that organ beneath your sternum fill with empathy. i think ill start with today and see how it fleshes itself out. Its a tuesday at 2 am january 2011. Here i am seventeen years of age and already it feels like ive lived for a thousand years. Im sitting in a recliner watching sex and the city re-runs on the e channel and thinking to myself so this is what my life has become. there is a mixture of ice and snow accumulating outside and im contemplating how im going to get out of the driveway tomorrow, school may have been cancelled but work has not , and i am scheduled at 2:15 pm for my last day at my second job. at this point not going is not an option because ive already exhausted my money from my last paycheck as minute as it was it went faster than i expected it ( it didnt help that last pay day was new years eve and i was forced to get all my check cashed because the only bank open was wachovia which was not my bank) luckily this month im not in the red on my bank account as i have been in months before.
The hardest part of being so bad at finding love is that all of my friends ask me for advice, and consistantly the advice i give works, for them at least, yet in my series of twisted complex and just plain fucked up relationships i cant seem to ever advise myself. this is proably a good time since we havent gotten into talking about my actual relationships yet, to tell you before you get to into this and find it shocking and or confusing, that i am gay. Not like the annoying high school joking , your so gay. i am a homosexual. and have been out of the closet since 9th grade. But my first relationship , which i shall tell you about in due time , unless i have second thoughts later on, happened with a guy when i was only 8 years old. But for now back to the moment. a few moments ago before i had the lapse of decision making skills to write this, i was outside taking a smoke break and texting my friends. both of which are having relationship issues and both of which are asking me for advice. ( see its not all chaotic it gets back to the point eventually i just tell a lot of side stories). My friend Hayley was telling me her most recent relationship predicament. She and her boyfriend are having problems of some type although she didnt elaborate on what they were, and her friend that composed a piece of music for her senior dance spotlight just confessed his attraction to her, and she returned it with her confession of her attraction to him but the problem is she has a committed boyfriend. Im sitting there listening to my straight ( well half straight) friends problems and thinking to myself how can i give advice on this situation when its so similar to a situation i was just in although in a different position just a few weeks ago. Ironicly enough with a guy that Hayley had set me up with. I explained to her i had not a thing to tell her about her about how to handle this situation because i was still discombobulated from the outcome of a similar situation with the guy she had set me up with. She sent a text to me with nothing but a question mark and i began to tell her this story.
Back in december i was sitting at home unwinding after a hard day at school. Suddenly my pocket vibrates and i open the text from the guy who hadnt spoken to me in some time after we initially started talking on facebook. We had only ever talked and i really liked him he seemed to have a vibrant personality and although not my type i found him attractive. But like any guy he had gotten bored talking to me and decided to start talking to another guy stating i was too long distance for him, but apparantly a guy that lived in minnesota wasnt. I was shocked when i recieved the text for him asking if i wanted to hang out, we had never met in person and i was a little bit apprehensive because he had done some stupid things that made me question him as a potential anything in my life at the time. I thought for a minute then said yes and went to meet him at the mall. after a while waiting in the parking lot he finally arrived which made me wonder what was taking so long because i had to drive from another county and he lived in that city. I brushed the doubt aside and we proceeded to hang out in the mall after a little bit of boring and awlward small talk we decided to go to a chorus concert where i felt bad for feeling attracted to a few of the guys onstage, but i didnt let it plague me too much because he was inconsiderantly ignoring me and talking to the people around which he knew, and of course i did not. After the concert i was feeling even more awkward and freezing cold because the sun had been down for a couple of hours and i was ready to be taken back to the familiar area of where my car was parked. Suddenly on the way home he began to make me feel more comfortable by showing the personality i was farmiliar with, the conversation became interesting and the atmosphere was charged and i remembered why i had came. He became more flirtatious as the enviroment became increasingly hot and he began to carress my thigh which at first scared me because he was driving and semed to lose track of where he was going when i began to engage in the foreplay he was attempting to initiate. We arrived at the parking deck and parked the car, and the walls came down and the chemistry between bagena to shine. It started with kissing when i lost my better sense to not ruin a decent thing and what i considered a step in the right direction. ( This was the first honest to god date i had been on in my life and long list of random hook ups in strange places). I whispered in his ear to take off his pants, and within moments i was staring at the floorboards going to work. The enjoyment on his face said it all and things were going hot and heavy until a depressing sign loomed across the parking lot. The security van had been spotted and immediately the action ceased much to our mutual dismay. He started the car and took m back to the level on which i was parked. we shared a few farewells and i kissed him once more before departing. Within moments he was blowing up my phone to tell me how amazing it was and how we would have to do it again sometime and how annoying it was that the security van had been spotted before we could finish what we were doing, but the overall feeling was better safe than sorry. I went home feeling recharged and immediately told my friends the god new that i may have an honest to god relationship and how great it felt to once again be back in the saddle considering i hadnt had any sexual encounters in a long time. A few days later i had logged on to facebook to check my messages and just waste some time and there it was looming on my news feed. I felt my stomach drop and felt my face flush with rage and a feeling that i had been stabbed int he back. The dreaded relationship status change. I felt like throwing my computer. Although we never said it meant anything out loud it felt as though it was implied and i couldnt believe my eyes. Not only was he now in a relationship two days after i had given him my time and umm ... affections, but he had the audacity two days after our car encounter to post that he was married . Married sounds great doesnt it , the bad news is it was not my picture and not my name that was listed as his new spouse, but that of someone i had never even heard of. I quickly tried to communicate with him, chat , messages, texts, and all to no avail. I felt absolutely godsmacked, how could i have been so dumb to trust this person. And why would someone want to hurt me like this, it would be different if he had talked to me, it would have been different if some time had passed, but two days after this event, he could commit to someone, someone else, but why not me. Was it not good, was i not looking attractive, did i stumble into bad lighting. I had tried all i could to make the conversation interesting and believe me it was hard considering he was an inssuffering know-it-all, who talked over me when ever i tried to bring up something to talk about. i had forgiven him for all that, i was willing to make this a relationship, i was ready to give up my farmilar world of musical partners and drunken moments of passion that i needed to be reminded of the next day but would forever be burned in my memories. And yet this guy who had been forgiven for a lack of personality and been treated to a night of explosive heated exchanges of what can only be described as bliss, had completely destroyed me with one post and a heartless move that made me feel like a whore and an idiot. And he wouldnt even answer me to tell me somewhat personally that he had found someone and could no longer see me.
After I told Hayley this she felt even worse for me than she did for herself. And i sat there after reliving this still fresh wound, smoking my L&M menthols thinking to myself what a small world we live in. Is this all that im going to have in store for me. Is there a guy for me out there that wont treat me like a disposable instrument for pleasure. And i kept thinking to myself the only thing we can do in life is put on the best poker face we can and no matter how convincing the other person seems with their promises of taking you to the next round , never show them the cards your holding. Or at least until they show you theirs first ad even then be wary of deceit . It just amazes me how we cant trust anyone these days. And so we keep playing past the point of broke as if were going to win it back eventually who knows maybe i will but its a new year what have i got to lose that hasnt already been taken ?
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