"i could walk a thousand miles with nails in both my feet, it would still hurt less than the things youd do when you thought noone was watching"
I used to think, situations had a tendency to work themselves out... i was merely fantasizing, i would like so much to believe in a more eutopian world but the longer i linger in this reality i see more things to make me want to go back in hiding. While im in pain someone else i know is undoubtedly thriving. There was a time that i would sacrifice my happiness for the sake of anothers, but that was before the lying. I want incredibly much for things to be okay, mended up in their own unique way i once thought there wasnt a sin i could not forgive. But if im a messaih to the hopeless then ive got nothing left to give. Salvation seems so far away, i beg and i plead but bad things keep blocking my way. I want to be closer again to god, but it seems like with every moment were ever further at odds. Id give anything, to exist in the dream, but the haunting part is that i know ill be waking. I havent been sleeping so much lately, my bodys tired, but the mind wont let me. such terrible thoughts keep penetrating my conscious stream. Id like to kill them away, but i gave up drinking. Im trying my hardest to turn my life around, but complications keep arising that threaten to keep me down. If i just give up and consing myself to bitterness could i even be content. To survive through this life that ill forever resent. Im not consigned to accept my misery, i hope theres something better being withheld from me, I havent told anybody, but its what i keep in secret what i want to believe. My perceptions keep getting altered. I once remember having faith that would never falter. But it died somehow, has it been murdered on the churches alter. Is it any wonder that i turned away. i was devout but i was lead astray. I felt so close long ago, but if i didnt question it, i would have never known, id rather have the truth than to follow blind, there were many things in myself i had to leave behind. Why must i be the one to change, if its your design which was flawed in the first place. Dear god can you tell me when, the horizons will change, ill it be before i quit. Im at my lowest calling on your name. I hear nothing to comfrot me and say it will be okay. Am i too late to be saved, i would jump through the fire to be worthy of such grace.
Somethings i wish i had never known, but its far better to learn, or so i keep getting told.
is there more to this than whats being sold, if ignorance is bliss, then i must have doomed my soul.
I must tell you this is getting old. you said youd meet me halfway, but your running quite late
im three forths of the distance, and i cant go all the way. I need dIvine intervention, so i bow my head today. Wont you promise me that help is on its way. or are there sins still that for which i must pay
ive endured so much, im buckling under the strain, i cant keep on living under the weight of such pain.
Devotion and conviction, are all that remain, youve stripped me down, have you had your way.
was this a joke to you, because i was assuming your sincerity.is it true that not even you care anyway
then why should i play the martyr if ive got nothing to gain. am i too late to be saved.
are you listening or have you turned away. am i talking to myself i ask of you, why wont you answer me?
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i prayed these words so many times. so many things i bought as truth turned out to be just lies.
i wrote it out, in poetic device. i spared no honesty to conform to the ryhme.
i still feel as though theres hope, buried deeper though than i initially thought.
there was more to it but i forgot. I saw my enemy today, passing by the other way.
i realized i cant live in this town anymore, im planning to escape, on a more permanent basis quite possibly. Brittany and Sarah may end up living in apartments with me, if i can escape my job long enough and have my car in good condition long enough to find employment in the next county over
hopefully as a waitor or some higher paying less demanding position than the one i presently hold for minmum wage. I want so badly to get more out of this life, im tired of meerly scraping by, having no time to enjoy, but not making enough to barely survive. Im hoping to go to GTCC instead of ACC, not because of my ex best friend but because i want to get out of the dead end shithole town that is burlington. i want to taste the skys and walk in greener pastures, where theres something to entertain me other than a movie or window shopping with money i dont have. it seems like theres nothing of substance anymore even in this god forsaken no mans land. i was talking to god (or myself which ever one) and he promised that things would be getting better. they keep getting more and more ominous. my life was threatened. i got into an accident hours after repairing my bearing, now i have two that are bad. I just cant see the opportunity to get out coming. but i know that im going to get out if its an afront to jesus christ himself. Im the only one i know thats real, ive been neglecting myself to provide a way for others to feel. im tired of growing number day after day. as more and more moments of my life slip away. i cant promise that im doing okay because in truth i dont know anyway. im getting more attached than id like to be to my cuddle buddy. but hes abandoned me for spring break in dc, and my friend victor and my brother and his friend all went to lauterdale for the next three days and im left with nothing but myself. ive never felt more alone. even my friend brittany has someone. i try to surround myself with support but everyones happy around me and i feel like im the odd man out doomed to walk eternally alone, everyone i date or screw is either heartless pointless or insane. why must i be the only person i know incapable of bonding with someone who wont cheat or use me for a one nigh stand and then decide after theyve gotten underneath my clothing that im not what they are looking for becaus they are too afraid to feel that they dont want to figure out my personality and so they push me away?. I swear to god im not difficult im the most easy going relaxed person i know, . Everyone around me is happy, Brittany is dating my cousin, sarahs got a new job that pays well. jeris got a new love persuit .. and i have what amounts to a meaningless sex partner who here lately has made it so i move my plans around to go see him and then at the last minute he decides to go drinking or hang with friends or that he has too much work to do, im being extremely understanding but part of me knows that hes trying to pull away and i dont want him to, i think hes found someone else just like everyone i fool around or sleep with, they cant be ready for another relationship when they meet me, but as soon as they have a fling with me and i feel like maybe i have at least a friendship with benefits of intimacy and then i find out they are devoted to this person they met while they were screwing me. Its so unfair, im not a bad person, im fairly attractive, and im honestly the most devoted to love person i know, i would do anything for someone i love. And yet im to difficult to bear the thought of being in a relationship with, why? ive gone slow ive gone moderate ive gone fast track either way it doesnt work out for me but it always ends in some long term fulfilling relationship with someone else who was graced with an opportunity unlike myself. Why cant i just have one thing one area of my life go right for a change, what did i do to deserve such seemingly paranormal otherworldy slap to the face. its like im trying to stand up in the surf during a hurricane, no matter how i try when i get my head up, another wave comes to topple me over and make me feel worthless like i should just inhale the water and accept deaths welcoming embrace because its all a vain effort. Why am i fighting to live if im just living to fight, why am i trying to see when theres nothing in sight, why am i trying to give when no one gives me a try, why am i fighting to live, if im just living to die. ..... the only question i can think to ask is why, for everything why, a question unanswered, though the most worthy of validation... why is it the only question i cant solve on my own but the only question im left with, the only question noone will help me to answer, im just looking for reason in a sea of uncertainty and indecision. wont some one save me from the war tide of ignorance and just give me an answer even if its perceived that i will be displeased with the response. i dont deserve much but the universe owes me an explaination its the only thing i am certain of.
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