Chapter Twenty Six: the deathly hallows of attonement

Over these past few years iv grown immensly even now i see myself as a different person completely foreign to who i was at starting this tell all of the inconsequent details of my highly bizarre life. I have realized that people change fundamentaly as they grow, but its important to make sure the way your changing is for the better and in keeping with the person you were to start with, to change is not betraying your past, but simply an inclusion of new ideals and insights that affect your course as it goes. Im no longer angry at David, or at Blake for that matter, im sorry for them. Even as i have changed i have not become a different person in the sense that i am no longer the same internally as i was from the start of this journey of life. ive made critical errors and ive urned away people who i should have heard out. For that im sorry, but unlike Blake and David, i still know myself through it all, i face things in the same way, and ive learned and progressed where as they have denied and regressed in due time. Despite their attempts to belittle and break me, i have found more inner strength and learned a more acute definition of who i am as a person because of all this strife they dealt me. Im sorry for them because they dont know who they are anymore if they ever did at all, they lost the faith. I still believe that people are good, part of me always will, i speak out in anger and need to learn more self control, im far too capricious and i cling on to things that will only seek out to tear me apart from within. I torture myself too much. But i have also wronged some people in my path by trying to warn them and help them and simply proceeding in the wrong way about it, and in my duality of being honest and being a person worhty of trust i have encountered many conflicts in which i sacrificed the wrong thing for the purpose of containing and neutralizing the situation. I think it will always be difficult but i think im figuring it out a little more as i go along. I talked to god not long ago, i was under the throws of a heavy migrane and almost killed myself inadvertantly trying to pacify it with ibupropen. My heart stopped for three minutes and i thought to myself its finally time for the reaper to come. In my intense state of mind i talked to god, i discovered a little more than i knew before about the purpose of this life, no struggling is in vain even if nothing significant comes of it its what you learn about yourself from it that counts, and for that im grateful to have been through the heartache they and many other before them caused me. No less than 5 years ago i was an angry explosive trigger happy jump the gun take no prisoners person, somewhere along the lines i discovered a little peice of the puzzle that helped me learn to control myself, im still not there in many respects but im far better and no worse for the wear because of the things that happen to me. I think were brought to the bring of death and the point where we beg for the ending to appreciate the value and weight of our choices and why its best to make informed decisions and do no harm intentionally, i can honestly say ive been harmed intentionally so i can learn what not to do to people. I have harmed others and for that im deeply sorry but only out of my inability to react, and not knowing how my choices would affect those around me. I have sought forgiveness from them and im still doing that. In somesituations noones wrong, which simply means everyone is at fault for their own fault, noone ever said coexistence was an easy undertaking, but im beginning to see the light, my eyes are opened a little bit wider , my pupils have dialted and i feel more at terms with being alive, and now i find more comfort in it than i once did in the hope of death. If i could talk to myself when i was twelve i would tell him he was beautiful and that it would be worht it in the end. Ive had some great experiences despite having been in some deeply horrid times. Feel sorry for the ones that have everything handed to them, they dont know what it means to be a person and never will. Humility through struggle strength through wounding, lessons in time, pain to know soothing, the darkness to know the glory of the son, through our bleeding we are one.