Its been a decent amount of time to pass, and yet not much has changed.
The drama is ever present in my life, but the difference is all in the perspective
I've accepted my own ignorance, to trust those i mistakenly looked passed the initial bad vibes from
I despise that. Its not something i'm exactly willing to accept that trust is naive. I truely want to believe people are good deep down, but i keep getting bit in the ass by my willingness to believe in the good, that clearly is outweighed by the bad in some people. Ive been used a lot in my life. Ive been slandered and bad mouthed and ive let people belittle me and not object, ive been too passive. and that will change. Im a good person. Id give someone the shirt from my back if i thought they needed it more, its in my nature to care for others, i cant shut off my feelings, i cant turn off my conscience, it makes me so succeptable to believing in people who i want nothing more than to trust and believe that they are genuinely good, even though they wrong me even though they make mistakes. But this week i have been forced to face the unfortunate truth myself, that some people cant be saved from the void within theirselves. It astounds me that im so young and yet there are so many things i understand that noone else in my world seems to like the value of virtuosity, generosity, belief, confidence, faith and trust. Sadly ive come to find some people are indeed bad. Its not their fault they are so internalize they dont even realize what theyre doing to the people like myself that are extending a hand to help them out of their dark depression is harmful. Ive been hurt and heartbroken more than once by David Zich. I honestly dont know what the truth is anymore. At the start of all of this, all he wanted was my brother, i was attracted but i wasnt going to try to come between that, then he kissed me on new years after i had swallowed my pride and sidelined my urge to persue his affections, i tried to avoid him all that night and he kept following me like a lost puppy, and then to kiss me turned my world upside down with confusion and misdirection. The next day the fallout happened and once again i was not good enough for him to consider as someone worthy of being given a chance to have a relationship with him. I hated him for that for a while not because of just the rejection but the constant torture that he wouldnt speak or write a message to me to explain his actions, but he would continually poke me on my facebook, reminding me everyday that what had happened had happened and he had had his fun and was blaming me. And then after him deciding to talk to me after i had given up on the whole thing once more, he charmed me and convinced me he did care and the feelings were mutual. And like the sucker i am i proceeded to gratify his desire to destroy me from within. Somewhere in all the ambiguity,i allowed myself foolishly to become attached, my biggest mistake was trusting him to be aware of that sensitive information, he played me like a fiddle in the hands of a musical prodigy. Artfully and with horrid precision. The worst part is this is not the end of the story. After our sexual escapade in the back of his car, we proceeded to go to victors keeping the secret was my new burden to bare but the part of me that believed he was actually being honest with me before took it on without issue. On the way my car finally gave out after having been running on twenty year old battery cables that had been corroded to the point of being useless. I called david after trying to get it to start for a while and he came back much to my astonishment something i took as a subtle sign of genuine honesty and the hope that perhaps i wasnt a complete idiot for sharing my affections with him in the first place. less than a month passes, and i find myself being alerted by him that hes finally found someone worth having a relationship with, its not my brother, its also not me. I was happy for him, though it pained me i would have rather been his friend and bare the agony that i wasnt good enough than to not know him at all. But tonight i had a conversation that broke my heart to peices, it started with him bragging about his new concubine that hes ever so enthrawled with, at which point he said he would like me to meet him as hes such an amazing guy. To which i replied, he seems like it, i just want to ge tthe hell out of North Carolina and find something real. and so the picking and prodding began, where he kept inquiring and i kept telling, but when it came to my turn to ask a question after establishing my discontent with my eternal single life and not being able to have any kind of mutual attachement to anyone. He had the audacity to ask me what i was doing wrong as if i hadnt been asking the question to myself for the past six years of my life. I asked him to tell me, considering he fell into the catergory of people that seemed to have their way with me then decide they were finally ready to settle down with someone else after. To which he avoided the question as always has been the case before when such questions arose, And he told me " i was never attracted to you at all" where do i call bullshit on everything before or on what was being told to me now, either he used me as i thought he was doing in the beggining or he was lying to me now for some undisclosed reason. It broke my heart that he could be so cruel as if it would be something constructive. No details no helpful maybe you should change this about yourself just a malicious cruel statement. It made it clear to me that all along i was just a pawn of some sort or some device to him, and i let it occur as deplorable as that is. never in my life have i felt as stupid as i do now. And it couldnt happen at a worse time considering i just got fucked over and damaged irrevocobly by trusting someone for four years who i thought was really my friend but turned out to be a lying manipulative slanderous person. It makes me wonder are the days of trust and respect for fellow human beings gone, are virtues outdated, is nothing sacred. Am i stupid to have such romanticized ideas about life, is it too eutopian an idea to think you could trust someone and have that good faith returned, or when you build the bridge of trust are you simply prolonging suicide as you wait on the bridge as it burns? if anyone is reading this... will someone please tell me if i should continue in my ways of believing that there is still good in the world or if i should just give up on the hope that any decent people are left and just be dishonest and untrusting and shady with everyone i meet, either one feels a rotten thought but i can honestly think i dont know anymore it took 18 years and two people to destroy all sense of knowledge i once thought i had and with it all sense of hope i had that people arent all dispicable like most of the ones ive met .
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