Its nearing the end of the witching hour and im officially another year older, making me nineteen going on ninety. Its astounding how much someone can grow and how drastically things can change over the course of one year. I am viewing the world through a completely different scope than the one i had when i turned eighteen. At the start of this i was just a smart and wise for his age eighteen year old. over the course of one year, ive detached myself from feelings of guilt and resentment. ive gone through emotional trauma and here i stand better off. My enemies have presented theirselves to me, and i now know the early warning signs of mental disturbance and know when to give trust and when to reserve it until its earned and wanted. Ive learned who my true friends are, and i value myself intensely more, and i have come from being a non believer to a mystic to one who has found the balance between faith and gullibility. I have morphed into a much stronger person in this one year than i was, someone who is no longer angry like my 15 year old self but no longer a push over like my 18 year old self. Im no longer the scared naive adolescent. I still have a lot of room to grow but knowing my own imperfection is a step toward becoming whole that few possess.
I i find it rather stunning how im only nineteen and so much has been figured out by my own sweat and toil, ie worked out my own path to salvation with fear and trembling. ive kissed death on the lips and come out unscathed. i found a sense of purpose i lacked, and ive learned more about loving someone in this crazy gay world where you have to play games and never be the first to say what should be left unsaid. a year ago today i was clinging on to the love i held in such high a pedestal for Brian, and today i feel as though hes no longer a part of me, im bearing the scars of so many others that ive learned to wear as tattoos reminders of what brought me to where i am today. I regret nothing. Ive made many errors crucial and detrimental but it was only instrumentla to my own pain and therfore subsequently necessary for my own growth, ive cut myself deep enough to free a trapped soul beneath. and broken many of my habbits that kept me steifled. ive learned to channel all my rage into art. ive learned so much that this has become not only a tell all of my sexual exploits and heartbreaks and idle adolescent mellodrama but a coming of age in the making. Im proud of myself and i never thought i would be. Seven years ago i was in the darkest hole imaginable, and within the past year experienced more alienating brutal tragedy and more weight and stress and i have only grown stronger because ive changed as a person for the better but in keeping with my fundamental structures of who i am at the essential level. Seven years ago i almost committed suicide, seven years ago i met my two crutches of addiction, cigarettes and hard liquour, they are still vices i lean on, but ive learned to handle things more efficiently. seven years ago i would have made that judgement to cut my life short had i met the circumstances that transpassed within this past 12 months of my life. But today i am nineteen and im truely happy with who i am. ive got myself, ive got a car, ive got a tight knit group of friends i trust deeply. i am enjoying the untagged relationship with someone who i connect with without feeling the need to be attached like a leech. I still cant believe ive lived so much longer than i thought i should have. Im slowly but surely reinvinting myself, the passions i have have never died, they just became more focused, the drive never depleted it just became more practical, the dream never drowned it learned to swim. I think as far as life goes ive been tested harshly but im starting to surmount the tasks and obstacles that lay before me with more ease than ever before.... its not perfect .. but it IS getting better
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