Chapter Thirty One: a broken Hallelujah

overthrown, i am quite withdrawn for what is to come. I know im going to end up hurting but goddamn it im going to dare to smile again. Im happy, legitimately happy. I have no illusions to what i am in his eyes but im happy regardless that im not just a one night stand, or a pawn in some ridiculous scheme to get back emotionally at someone else, or just a drunken lay. For the past three nights ive been hooking up with Austen. Im a hopeless cause, i keep convincing myself that im going to save myself the heartache and detach myself from feeling anything. But maybe just maybe i deserve the brief rush i get from opening up my heart to trust another person to take it. Everyones got baggage but with this, whatever you want to call it, theres no unpacking, its an odd feeling to fuck someone and have mutual respect for them. For the first time in a long time i topped someone, which makes a grand total of three guys in my entire sexual career that ive topped. And it feels as though he is apprehensive, he may see me as more now than he did before. Its quite possible that he might actually give a shit, im not going to say that becase i dont know for sure, but its safe to say being completley detached emotionally has recently become impossible. Last night i took him to a party at my brothers, and we spent most of the party at least an hour and a half making out on the balcony, and he didnt give a shit who was watching. after about thrity minutes of actual socializing we went back to Austens apartment. We fooled around a little kissed a lot and then he asked me to fuck him. We used three condoms that night. It was very good, he came first ....again.  After that we cuddled  for a few hours and fell asleep. My phone alarm went off at twelve waking us out of a dead sleep and since we were already awake, we fooled around a little more, then went back to sleep for a few hours. when i awoke the second time it was five o clock, i gave him a back massage,  he gave me head, and the next thing i knew there was only one condom left in the pack of i think fifteen that we bought the day before yesterday. He walked me out as it was time to go, i had a cigarette and we talked for a while. I made the decision to say goodbye and went on my way and made it back home at eight oclock after attending to some business. Its a very vulgar relationship we have but it was nothing romantic for me until last night. Its as if he read my mind and telepathically knew what it would take to make me want more. Perhaps i shouldnt have stayed the night, but I dont give two shits, I cant wait to do it again. I dont care if theres never a label to it. I dont care if its not facebook official. I do in fact like him a lot, fuck everyone else at this point because im more than content. And i honestly think hes incapable of hurting me the way we are now. Its a perfect balance, that is all i have to report right now.