Chapter Thirty Four: Scattering the ashes

Picking up the pieces is hard enough, but not as hard as sallowing the pride that drives you. Driving you with the desire to take the shards and hurl them, instead of putting them back into position so fragile that it wears on your skin like an antique wedding dress. It's been a while and time drags by but it does not disappoint. I havent written anything on the show past the death of blakes character and storyline. Ive got a grand total of half an episode, and over a month and a half ( i think) has passed. Partly because i have nothing more to say that hasn't already been said, but also because i need to rethink my approach on spectrum. My storyline cant take up the focus of a story like that. I only bring this up because i made such realizations at about 5:30 today. I was with Birttany going to barnes and noble and who do you think was lurking amongst the aisles of overpriced teen romance novels and other indesclosable filth. "hey you guys" she smugly greeted from behind. There were two distinct emotions radiating from her voice. one was intimidation, the other outward defiance. the type of distinct resonance that comes from someone when they are enticing someone but know they are asking to get their ass kicked. I responded coldly "hi" in unison with Brittany and walked away. there was no hatred welling up. no butterflies in my stomach restraining me from saying the most belittling viscious things i could imagine on the spot. Just an empty vaccum where once there was the will to care either way. It was as if i was saying hello to the whispers of the wind. It dawned upon me that i have finally reached the antiphasis of realization that Im beyond petty things. Its been a wierd time for me. I feel as though im just starting to grasp the sense that their is some meaning to everything, and perhaps im supposed to be here. But life keeps throwing curve balls at me. My car broke down on friendly and i had to have it towed. work is working me all day everyday. i had a pet squirrel it died. And the day i got my car back i almost caught the house on fire.

Needless to say worrying about the mellodrama of Blake is the least important item on my to do list. Or david zich for that matter. I had the displeasure of encountering him for what im assuming will be the last time. I find it rather humorous that he is on Adam 4 Adam browsing when he supposedly found his alledged soul mate. I cant deny that things are challenging. But it feels as though im in a bizzarre place where i dont care about finding anything, and at the same time, i feel most alone, most understood. Truely i am the veteran of the discard pile, forever unclaimed. Forever sifted over rejected. I refuse to get my hopes up on happy change, i no longer think it can exist for me. I find it ironic, ive stopped quite a few of the people i know from commiting suicide, but cant find a valid arguement for why i shouldnt end my life. I hope to god theres a reason for being here. I would hate to think that death is such a bad shot.

Chapter Thirty Three: Stronger than yesterday

In my last post, i was on the verge of what could have been the most ignorant move i ever made. I was close to getting attached emotionally with Austen. Although i severely miss cuddling and having sex with him, I'm happy my brain caught up to my heart who was going a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction. I did end up getting emotionally attached, but in a less self harming way. Im glad i stopped before i fell in love. I had the unfortunate conversation with Austen, where i asked him whether or not, it was worth exloring, and heres what he responded. "your really sweet dusitn, and i do believe we have a lot in common, but i dont see you as more than a friend, your a really great guy and i definitely think of you as more than a booty call, but believe when i say im just not boyfriend material, i still want to be your friend and i understand if you want to cut the benefits no hard feelings". A part of me was hurting and a part of me was free. I felt so close to him, i shared more than just my time and my body with him. I shared a small part of my soul, and he wasn't afraid to accept me as i was. I really liked this one, primarily because i saw so much of myself reflected in him. so of course i felt defeated. But in the end, i know he wants to go back home to D.C. eventually and im not going to be in a position to do that, im not ever going to be in a position to make someone choose between me and their dreams. And i dont know if i could have gone on longer with him, and not fallen for him head over heels, and then if we broke up i would have been devestated. not long ago after this conversation i set up an Adam4Adam account. It Blew Uppppp. Lots of creepy older guys, quite a few young lovelies. I also saw whilst browsing some surprising developments including, old acquaintences, and some nefarious characters, whose identities i have previously disclosed in prior chapters. Namely David Zich. I find it THOROUGHLY amusing, that he was preaching how he'd found his soulmate ( twice mind you) after fucking me over royaly, and flaunting his presumed mutual happiness, and yet, he was cruising on Adam4Adam . But i digress . The horizons arent as bleak and meaningless and vindictively satisfying as it would seem, there is genuinely good news. I met a very cute emo guy, by the name of Tony. We talked a lot, and instead of exchanging pictures of our genetalia as is apparantly the custom on such a website. We exchanged meaningful conversations and poetry, after a few days, we exchanged phone numbers. we texted everyday for the next week and a half to two weeks. ( i dont keep good track of time elapsed or else ill realize how long ive been on the planet without advancing very much) We finally went on a date last night, I met him for coffee at starbucks and we watched the vow, it was the most normal run of the mill date experience. I never thought i could enjoy that. We talked even more, he was much cuter in person, and such a gentleman, he drove me to and fro, and payed my way, even though i had money and would have been more than happy to do so myself. At the end of the night, we hugged and kissed and said goodbye and i felt fulfilled, and i hadn't gone back to his place or degraded myself I was proud of myself for such restraint, but even more amazed that even though i knew he wanted to go farther, he didnt persue it. ( i wont disclose how i know this lets just say i know based upon certain developments shall we say. ) It was absolutely adorable. Im definitely seeing Tony again sometime very soon. I will try my best to keep from being a slut, but im definitely lying if i said i didnt want to. But i think this one may be someone to hold on to

Chapter Thirty Two: Bearing the cross

Life is complex sometimes you wonder if its worth it. Theres a lot of debate as to who carries this big gay diverse community. Though its not particularly easy for any of us its broken down quite simply by what straight men (who incidentally are the ones who make most of the laws in our country or the world in general). The ones most appealing are the lipstick lesbians, who unequivocably are reveered as something that is erotically stimulating to straight males. Then there are transgender male to femal or even female to male individuals that are accepted with a metaphorically quivering handshake. This is perhaps based on the ideology that you may have been a man or woman before but you look hot now that your in the right body for your mind, ill overlook what i wish i didnt know and be sure to burn the baby pictures so i can sleep with you. Next on the higherarchy is the butch lesbian, they are overtly gay and not in an attractive "let me watch you" way, but still not entirely vile to the opposing community. This is perhaps due to the fact that they are one of the boys they can kick back drink beer and chase women and work on cars and compare sports bracketts. Not completely adored but not entirely reviled. Then theres the fence player, hated, loved, respected and feared. The bisexual be it male or woman, the woman is hot to the oposite community because theres the possibility of a threesome or at least the fantasy, and that plausibility makes it arousing. The bisexual man serves another more important but highly corrupt purpose. They bear the banner of hope, that maybe just maybe a gay man can be converted through jesus , through strip clubs or some other ridiculous means to enjoy vagina. This is not so, another reason they are wearily accepted into any community and viewed as a traitor to either cause is, very very very rarely , im talking sightings of lochness monster rare, is there a truely 50/50 bisexual, and at that lots of gay men come out first as "bisexual" because of the concept of distant hope. This brings us to the masculine or straight acting Gay man, a man who is often in danger or in other words down right closeted, while i dont endorse embracing cliches or being a stereotype just for the sake of being a stereotype we must address that most so called "masculine gay men" are to some extent posing, after all you dont look so straight with my cock in your mouth now do you as the old joke goes. The gay man that is allowed to play sports and takes a beard to prom but puts on their trench coat and wanders into the gay bar on sunday nights when theyre supposed to be in choir practice. Im not saying that its bad to be masculine but to swear off anything that may make people know your gay or may bring attention to you or possibly cause you to be denied entry in the republican party is just simply being closeted and denying your true nature. Last but not least this brings us to the last subgroup which is sectioned off in many different ways but all such divisions are all first and foremost part of the greater label that is "the effeminate gay guy". Girls love them they are the newest fashion statement, they are well dressed brave and brash. Youve seen them on television and in film. the sissy, the twink, the showtune singing ones. the make up wearing ones. the lisped talkers. the drag wearers. The guys that are tormented in highschool, the guys that are the voice and image of our community. negative or positive we feminine gays have brought us to the now. And we did it all while designing the fall line, and writing poems and of course snatching up the lead roles. We get the hate we get the jokes, we get the names we arent allowed to bring our boyfriends to dances, we arent allowed to play soccer with the rest of the boys. We are the ones who brought class to the community. We are the strongest players in the community, because we represent what is most taboo. Open advertisement. the worst part is they all have a special brand of hate for us, but we cant help it we wont hide it, we are who we are and we arent afraid of it, we sing our highest notes, and we dance like its the last moment well get to do it. We are the unashamed. We are the ultimate outcast because we represent something that is honestly genderless. Our sex is male, our prefference is the same, but our gender is somewhere in the grey area. we arent female or male like a transgender, we arent a guy with a guys mind who happens to like other guys. but we arent women either. we like to use what nature granted us between our legs, we like to party like everyone else, we represent what is in fact the most inclusive of all genres. the melting pot of diversity. What sad is we feel the most pain because we are the label. we wear our personality for everyone to notice and judge without a word being said. We face the brutality ahead from the unaccepting and we overcome the most obstacles because we are the most repulsive to the opposite community. We do all this, and even within the community we are looked down on, weve carried the cross and brought us all to a world where equality is within our grasps and they didnt even say thank you... Im proud to be who i am , and im unashamed to say "your welcome"

Chapter Thirty One: a broken Hallelujah

overthrown, i am quite withdrawn for what is to come. I know im going to end up hurting but goddamn it im going to dare to smile again. Im happy, legitimately happy. I have no illusions to what i am in his eyes but im happy regardless that im not just a one night stand, or a pawn in some ridiculous scheme to get back emotionally at someone else, or just a drunken lay. For the past three nights ive been hooking up with Austen. Im a hopeless cause, i keep convincing myself that im going to save myself the heartache and detach myself from feeling anything. But maybe just maybe i deserve the brief rush i get from opening up my heart to trust another person to take it. Everyones got baggage but with this, whatever you want to call it, theres no unpacking, its an odd feeling to fuck someone and have mutual respect for them. For the first time in a long time i topped someone, which makes a grand total of three guys in my entire sexual career that ive topped. And it feels as though he is apprehensive, he may see me as more now than he did before. Its quite possible that he might actually give a shit, im not going to say that becase i dont know for sure, but its safe to say being completley detached emotionally has recently become impossible. Last night i took him to a party at my brothers, and we spent most of the party at least an hour and a half making out on the balcony, and he didnt give a shit who was watching. after about thrity minutes of actual socializing we went back to Austens apartment. We fooled around a little kissed a lot and then he asked me to fuck him. We used three condoms that night. It was very good, he came first ....again.  After that we cuddled  for a few hours and fell asleep. My phone alarm went off at twelve waking us out of a dead sleep and since we were already awake, we fooled around a little more, then went back to sleep for a few hours. when i awoke the second time it was five o clock, i gave him a back massage,  he gave me head, and the next thing i knew there was only one condom left in the pack of i think fifteen that we bought the day before yesterday. He walked me out as it was time to go, i had a cigarette and we talked for a while. I made the decision to say goodbye and went on my way and made it back home at eight oclock after attending to some business. Its a very vulgar relationship we have but it was nothing romantic for me until last night. Its as if he read my mind and telepathically knew what it would take to make me want more. Perhaps i shouldnt have stayed the night, but I dont give two shits, I cant wait to do it again. I dont care if theres never a label to it. I dont care if its not facebook official. I do in fact like him a lot, fuck everyone else at this point because im more than content. And i honestly think hes incapable of hurting me the way we are now. Its a perfect balance, that is all i have to report right now.

Chapter Thirty : we all fall down , some of us should just stay down

Ive gotten to the end of my patience with Blake Isley, Ive been called out, Im tired of the bullshit, tired of being fucked with, trying to be subtle is just another reason shes full of shit. If your going to say something to someone , dont post it on your ex friends wall, dont try to make a statement, dont get your stepdad of two months to threaten to kill me, Dont send a fucking letter claiming that your more mature and that im a terrible person or that brittany and srah are terrible when we have all bailed your ass out on more than one occasion, dont run over someones foot and run the fuck away. You dont  try to be friends with Brittanys step sister when youve done nothing but talk shit about her in the past before. And then claim none of us are capable of talking things out or being civil, when your the one trying to fuck with the lives of people that have washed their hands of you. I am not straight , if i were i could do much better than Blake Isley, I do not do drugs, but i know damn well she does, and she hangs out with a cocaine addict who used to sell in high school. Talk shit about me, no big deal, send me a contrived letter, no big deal, but do not pretend like im the devil when you cant face up to the fact that you sank your friendships and became a psychotic bitch, stay out of my life or there will be consequences. Some people just dont know when to quit knocking on deaths door, i was done with her as a friend when i told her she was dead to me, so why does she continue to seek all of us out. I may not be perfect i have a lot of misdeeds to account for but dont lie about me, especially when i will be forthright and admit my actions as my own, when you cant admit when your wrong and still think your right. i was content to leave this along, but when you refuse to quit, your just begging for me to retaliate and i can ruin a life i have the technology, i dont relish being a bitch but if its brought out, I WILL GO THERE, and in case you didnt know or notice, your a little pestulance of a maggot at the bottom of the food chain, and IM AN APEX PREDATOR. And i hope to god she sees this because im not scared. and i wont be intimidated and im not one to be trifled with, this is the last warning, your ignorance of it is not my problem you should know not to fuck with people and ive let a lot of shit pass over, but im done with being passive, if you want me to i will stoop to your level and beat you at your own game.

chapter twenty nine: Children of Circumstance

I celebrated my birthday last night. Nineteen years old and it seems like at the same time its been just minutes , and yet as if its been a millinea. My friends brittany and i were on the way to syn and sky when we saw my old friend sara kenyon approach us and ask us for directions to greene street, seeing as it was gay night at greene street as well we decided to go to greene street instead. Upon our walk Sara was getting more and more affected by the alcohol she had consumed prior to our metting up with her, but by the time we arrived she was stumbling around in a drunken stooper. About five minutes after we had gotten in the club Security approached us and told us Sara would have to be escorted home. Her friend Nicole who had driven up with her took her home that night. Britney Sarah Fox and I continued on through a night that would only get odder, it started with me trying to find a hot guy to dance with. I spied one i wanted and had begun working up the courage to ask him to dance seeing as i did not have the allure working for me that night. I saw a few people i knew and conversed for a little while then got seperated from my friends. I bumped into the guy i had been eyeing and asked him to dance, ... it was that easy, surprisingly. We danced for a while then both went out to smoke where we conversed briefly and went back inside. We went back in and he stopped at the bar for a bit which didnt bother me as i needed refreshment at the time anyway. I noticed him talking to one of the guys at the bar and noticed the guy he was talking to was holding hands with someone in a barstool i noticed the guy he was holding hands with was my ex Matt Dazzle. I asked him " so how do you know my ex boyfriend" " which one" he replied, " the one in the hat Matt Dazzle" i said  he retorted with " oh hes dating my best friend" ..... a boner was successfully killed. Later on in the evening I saw my friends again after going upstairs, they were sitting on the couch with two random guys, then i saw chris crisp, who i hadnt seen in at least a year. We talked for a bit and then i realized Brittany and Sarah were not around i went down to find them. They were dancing with those random guys i had found them with before, and they seperated when the two guys went outside to smoke, they both looked at me and said Its time to leave, we wandered around for a bit so as to get lost in the mass of people. After about thirty minutes we retrieved our coats and went out the door where we saw Nicole who had informed us that Sara Kenyon had been taken to the hospital for alcohol poisoning. It had been a crazy night but it was not over, we received a call from Josh who needed us to come get him and take him home we proceeded and did what we had to. Its been a strange entrance into this new age. Nothing bad happened to me, although the world around me has fallen into disaray and device, i think that its a sign that im stronger than most. And also a sign that what i have going with austen may be clandestine or in some other way ordained and no intended to be haulted at the present time. In a way im glad because it brought with it a new sense of morality and a new sense of direction.... but for now im nineteen and green and content to be living .. that is all.

chapter twenty eight : resolutions and renventions

Its nearing the end of the witching hour and im officially another year older, making me nineteen going on ninety. Its astounding how much someone can grow and how drastically things can change over the course of one year. I am viewing the world through a completely different scope than the one i had  when i turned eighteen. At the start of this i was just a smart and wise for his age eighteen year old. over the course of one year, ive detached myself from feelings of guilt and resentment. ive gone through emotional trauma and here i stand better off. My enemies have presented theirselves to me, and i now know the early warning signs of mental disturbance and know when to give trust and when to reserve it until its earned and wanted. Ive learned who my true friends are, and i value myself intensely more, and i have come from being a non believer to a mystic to one who has found the balance between faith and gullibility. I have morphed into a much stronger person in this one year than i was, someone who is no longer angry like my 15 year old self but no longer a push over like my 18 year old self. Im no longer the scared naive adolescent. I still have a lot of room to grow but knowing my own imperfection is a step toward becoming whole that few possess.
 I i find it rather stunning how im only nineteen and so much has been figured out by my own sweat and toil, ie worked out my own path to salvation with fear and trembling. ive kissed death on the lips and come out unscathed. i found a sense of purpose i lacked, and ive learned more about loving someone in this crazy gay world where you have to play games and never be the first to say what should be left unsaid. a year ago today i was clinging on to the love i held in such high a pedestal for Brian, and today i feel as though hes no longer a part of me, im bearing the scars of so many others that ive learned to wear as tattoos reminders of what brought me to where i am today. I regret nothing. Ive made many errors crucial and detrimental but it was only instrumentla to my own pain and therfore subsequently necessary for my own growth, ive cut myself deep enough to free a trapped soul beneath. and broken many of my habbits that kept me steifled. ive learned to channel all my rage into art. ive learned so much that this has become not only a tell all of my sexual exploits and heartbreaks and idle adolescent mellodrama but a coming of age in the making. Im proud of myself and i never thought i would be. Seven years ago i was in the darkest hole imaginable, and within the past year experienced more alienating brutal tragedy and more weight and stress and i have only grown stronger because ive changed as a person for the better but in keeping with my fundamental structures of who i am at the essential level. Seven years ago i almost committed suicide, seven years ago i met my two crutches of addiction, cigarettes and hard liquour, they are still vices i lean on, but ive learned to handle things more efficiently. seven years ago i would have made that judgement to cut my life short had i met the circumstances that transpassed within this past 12 months of my life. But today i am nineteen and im truely happy with who i am. ive got myself, ive got a car, ive got a tight knit group of friends i trust deeply. i am enjoying the untagged relationship with someone who i connect with without feeling the need to be attached like a leech. I still cant believe ive lived so much longer than i thought i should have. Im slowly but surely reinvinting myself, the passions i have have never died, they just became more focused, the drive never depleted it just became more practical, the dream never drowned it learned to swim. I think as far as life goes ive been tested harshly but im starting to surmount the tasks and obstacles that lay before me with more ease than ever before.... its not perfect .. but it IS getting better