Chapter twelve: grinding gears, and trampling nerve endings

with each passing day i feel more and more overwhelmed, most times for no reason, whats wierd is ive actually been sleeping lately. As a life long insomniac thats always been a struggle but oddly enough ive managed to be asleep at a decent hour for about a week now, unfortunately i come home and pass out recently, as if my insomnia has now taken a switch and given me narcolepsy. Maybe its the stress but the odd thing is i dont really have much stress on my plate but rather am overwhelmed by the stress from the people i encounter and i can feel every bit of stress they feel even if they try to hide it. Not to say my life is serene right now because make no mistake it isnt but theres not the usual amount of insanity, and yet....with each passing day i begin to slip further and further into a mild opaque depression, and further and further into my addictions to self distruction. For some reason i cant focus on anything in school. And i have the innate stress of having too many things lined up in the future that although dont directly affect me are plaguing my thoughts, For starters, im trying to find a job just so i can survive, but i have to be honest in interviews, and thusly have to tell them i am in spring musical and we have rehearsals almost every day during the week in friday. Im not sure how im going to find time to work in any ways of completing the product portion of my graduation project. And whats worse is that during all of this my two close friends who are working with me on it have split and dissociated themselves from each other. Miraculously i was able to reign in the flightiest one of them but the one thats supposed to be level headed is not herself anymore. After getting an underage drinking ticket she has gone off and become a completely different person than the one i have known so well for all these years. I have completed the script for the show we are doing, while finding the time to catch up on all the missing work from english and latin, and go to musical rehearsal and search for a job, but i cant get my friend who was the one bugging me to complete it hastily, ( my hands were tied at the time because it was a colaboration and i had to have a list of songs for which to write around so that they would be relevant to the scene) and now i cant get her to respond to me at all or get it to her to read it. My latin class still is like a hell but ive found that i have a new will power in my apathy to let it all go because im far too distracted with the melodrama and worry that i might not make it through the year to care about the immature homophobes using my head as a target. I had a britney spears moment while cutting my hair, i became distracted and thisly had to bizz my whole head, it looks alright which is wierd because i havent had short hair in upwards of 8 years, and im glad it happened because the huge change has brought a new sense of things as well and taken my mind off of things that have gone wrong. I had my second interview for a job in mebane so hopefully it goes well because i need some good news. But theres still the worry, whats worse is im not sure why but my mind has ben going crazy because of all the guys sending me signals lately that i know are just all in good fun, or intended to look that way, and i cnat bring myself to advance on them because i dont want to put them in an awkward position especially knowing that my highschool experience has been hellacious because everyone knows im gay and perhaps it is best for some to stay in the closet until after its over. Besides that im sure they would not come out anyway because most of them are involved in sports or have girlfriends, although for show they may be i cant in good conscience act upon these urges of mine to attack the problem head on. Meanwhile my attenintion is pulled in another direction as my previous ex the one i told about in previous chapters has stopped talking and responding to me for some unknown reason and it drives me crazy which makes me realize, i do actually have feelings for him although we never met in real life , i still have the feeling that if only we were both older and lived a little nearer that maybe we would be together, because he does possess most if not all of the qualities i search for. I think im completely mad for the sheer fact that everyday recently scenarios are playing in my head and i keep daydreaming and losing focus on what im doing the stress is rising , the tension is nail biting and im quickly discovering that perhaps in a few days when i turn 18 nothing will change for me, which frightens me because that was supposed to be my safety goal where i could finally get some footing and quit sliding through life without any ability to navigate or manuever. Do they make a rehab for people like me, im not even sure but it seems all im really in dire need of is someone to talk to and although everyone around me is not busy and supposed to be my friend it seems like i keep talking and calling out for help, like a person with mortal wounds screaming in a crowded cafe for attention from someone who will summon help, but noone seems to notice, it feels as if im losing my voice as the sanity abandons me. Everyone around me's got problems and the worst part is i feel all of it and it compounds the situations i experience and would normally be able to handle with a great deal of grace but its all slipping for me, and for some undetermined reason ive become an outcast and havent even done anything to evoke this. im in a plethora of confusion and yet noone can seem to find thirty minutes in their daily life to set aside and talk to me in my our of need, but im supposed to be there for them everytime something goes slightly awry for them, im always there when everyone elses world is crashing down but noones there to catch me when im being pushed from the cliff of sanity and hurled into the pit of my own madness. what is this world coming to?