Chapter thirteen: Ending a chapter and starting anew

ive been dealing with the onset of a depression lately. Im the most self critical person i know. I hide it with confidence, and false smiles so my hurt doesnt show. But inside im not really sure if im all people see in me. People tell me im beautiful but all i see is ugly. People say im talented, but i only see the things i did wrong. Lately ive been disappointed in myself, and my health has been down. im not sure if i can make it out in the big bad world, and it makes me think of death. Ive never been afraid of death, but im terrified of saying goodbye to my memories and closing chapters, i hope to live my life in a panorama where every moment that was positive will collide. Ive had a lot of happy in my life, a great deal my fair share id say. Its hard to know that when you see its surrounded in misery torment and heart ache. Most of the happiest times in my life where surrounded by unforseeable terrible events. One year sticks out in my mind. 9th grade, my mom finally divorced my little brothers dad who was a tyrant. I finally had made it out of middle school and made a ton of new friends, and i had gotten a lead role for my first year in musical. In the midst of all of this exubberance, was a thick , pendulous cloud of strife. I had encountered homophobia and opposition that year as i had just recently came out. My mom threatened to send me to military school when she heard it , thankfully over the years shes come to be accepting of it as it is a part of my life that i cant change. My grades were good except for math which i nearly failed thanks to one jerk of a teacher, and in the middle of the high times, the unthinkable , my dad passed away just days after i had turned 15. Ill be turning 18 in just a few days and its hard to believe its been 3 years since then. Ill be giving my final performance on my highschool stage that i have come to think of as a second home, and im thinking back on all the memories and realizing that through all of this sadness in my life my one safe haven has been the stage, the place that you think of to be the most intimidating and most vulnerable, your on display when your onstage. . . And thats the beauty of it all, Its where you can be free and where everyone onstage with you, is there by choice , not simply because they have to be or else they will get their parents in trouble for not making them go to school. I think back on all the speeces at the final curtains of several shows and think about all the friends i have grown close to and had to say goodbye to, and yet this year, im the one thats gonna be saying goodbye. ive been thinking about what i would say when they hand me that microphone to honor the seniors. and i think i wonder if everyone feels this way about it, because this is something i want to do all of my life because its the one thing im most passionate about, i truely know what it is to be a starving actor as i have dedicated my time to it reguardless of how it affects other aspects in my life. Ive iven my blood sweat and tears, litteraly and although i havent seen a single physical shred of proof that it was worth while , i have the feeling that it is because no matter what there is nothing that performing doesnt alleviate for me, in fact all te stress and pain and emotional scars in life, have made me better as a performer and there will never be a drug that can compare to the high i feel when im on stage performing. I remember all the backstage antics and all the relationships that were formed ..and staged , ( ive been married seven times in our fantasy world ) all the games of spades and ratscrew that i lost, hiding on the sets that i helped create and move. the times i ran lights for little shows. The times we all gathered around a key board or piano and sang show tunes and songs from the radio. and although all of my friends that arent from theatre dont understand it. I get a urge to cry and laugh and a tingle up my spine simultaneously whenever i hear a song from rent or wicked or chicago or practically any musical. And it reminds me of the large family i have accumulated through the years. In 2008 my father died. In 2008 i gained a new famly all together.