Chapter eleven: the rights of passage

can be truely said im not your average person, and i have either an amazing capacity for forgivness and empathy or an incredible capacity for stupidity. In fact im worse at holding grudges , than i am at holding a steady relationship. Sometimes thats a good thing but im not really sure. Like for instance i had an ex bf named nathaniel, who was not really a bf persay as to say i pretty much agreed to date him on the premise that (A. I was quite certain he would be one of those many people who makes all these grand plans to meet up and hang out with me and go on a date but ends up never following through. and (B. I pretty much figured if i said yes to this kid he would quit mac-ing on me every time i got on facebook. This was a nice guy and i didnt want to hurt his feelings but he was far to young for me. That is to say three almost four years younger than i. But eventually all the talk wore me down into saying yes based on the premises listed previously. After a while he started texting me every day, always with the sweetest things you would want to hear, and he was comletely sincere about them, which was to say shocking. As a person who has often been the one that gets played and therefore never really had a serious date aside from hook ups that are meaningless to the people involved but mean something to me on some level. Eventually after steady conversation into the wee hours of the night for upwards of a month, i somewere along the line started to develop feelings toward this person. But then as always something goes wrong as it always does. I looked on facebook ( seems to be a common reccuring pattern i think theres a convention i swear all the guys ive ever had anythign going with must all know each other in some six degrees of kevin bacon way and consort on ways to drive me insane) , i looked on facebook and he had changed his relationship status to in a relationship....with our mutual ex. I had no idea, he hadnt told me, and was still texting me as if we were still talking. I texted him when i saw it and asked about it, he came clean  but then gave me the we can still be friends line. I went a little overboard about it but then we got in a fight and some words were said that shouldnt have been from both of us. Either way i was hurt and had held a grudge for quite some time. Until a couple of months ago when i re friended him on facebook. And the bridge is still strong between us, i will probably never date him or resume talking ( as they call it) but we can still be friends. And after spencers whole issue occured, he was there to counsel me. and told me something that amazed me. I was having my usual spiral , that all the men ive ever been with think of me as a whore, and are only in it and only tell me things that i want to hear, because they think they can get what they want, after they get it , or get tired of waiting theyre gone. I had convinced myself that everyone of them was full of bs. and i told him this. I wasnt he said, i was completely honest about everything with you, i was seriously serious about wanting a relationship with you, he said to me. and i thought to myself maybe its not all in vain that im so forgiven , somepeople will never change, but some people no matter how dispicable what they do to you is , deserve a second chance. thats my thought for right now. The senior project i have to do is really plaguing me at the moment. I had originally back last year set my project up as being theatre, i was planning to do a show. Then my friend barb asked me and blake to be part of her recently topic changed project, and now theres issues of stepping on toes and its just a big mess. I have a fan that im not sure who it is, i keep thinking to myself, how amazing it is that someone read my work , how greatful i am that they only had nice things to say. And lastly , who is it because the names are anonomous, And how bizzarre would it be if it turned out to be someone i knew. These thoughts plague me. so now i have a mystery on my hands to distrat me from my furry towards one of my friends who is procrastinating and therefore making me either decide to exclude her from the decisions process and make her deal with it , or possibly fail by being polite and waiting for possibly eternity for her to get me a list of songs around which to write the show. im still not sure what i should do. but the time for dicking around has come to an end and its time to work, i dont know how it will turn out but its going to be dramatic im sure, it always is.