chapter twenty two: another day older and none the wiser

its been 7 hours and 15 days, quite literally, since i realized i was falling, and im still in love withdavid zich. It hurts more than anything has ever hurt before, i would equate the pain to giving birth through your urethra, Im accquainted with pain, im a conisseur of torture but this is throbbing and unbearable. i woke up at 4 in the morning two days ago, i had just spent the previous evening before with someone who made me forget for one second how bad it hurt, made me think of something other than david for a few seconds. I woke up after having had a dream about new years eve, and in the dream it was not only david who was rejecting me and playing with my fragile mind, but every man ive ever loved and been hurt by before. I woke up unable to breathe, i felt like a fish out of water, i assumed at first it was a heart attack but then to my dismay realized it would not be that easy for me, my arm still had feeling , my arteries were fine, this was meerely the first of what im sure is a wave of panic attacks, that have no ceasing point in the future. I cant listen to music, i cant watch tv, i can barely even work and not be reminded of how much it hurts me, of how much i want things to be different. I feel as though god is mocking me, laughing at me for thinking i could be happy. Perhaps im destined for martyrdom, its the only rational excuse for my seemingly vain suffering. I long for him, i long to feel the way i did before i met him. I dont regret that i let my walls down for him, i regret that he betrayed me after i did. I regret that he did the exact same thing brian did to me, which is the worst torment one can know. To tease me with love then cut me off cold, to exploit my feelings and then leave me out to dry, even after knowing i had tried so hard and worked so much to dismiss the feelings i had for him. He still advanced, pouncing like a fierce and starving lion on my vulnerable exposed heart, ripping it to shreds between his pointy sharp teeth. Even lions are beautiful. But the most beautiful things are often the most deadly to us. I feel as though ive learned nothing, or maybe its that im afraid if i listen to what my brain would tell me i would shut myself off and never love again, it would hurt less. Maybe its just one wound that time cannot heal. Or maybe im just hoping that he will return or maybe im just hoping that if i hurt so much then it must be true. Perhaps if im feeling something so intensly it negates the possibility that he dosent feel a thing. I wish life were simpler but alas, we are all destined to struggle with our own demons, people tell me i am beautiful, but all i see is imperfections, i dont believe that i am worthy of anyone, and when i allow myself to love someone its always ended up like this. But this is harder more intense than anything i ever felt. It took me five years to get over Brian, im still not entirely over it, How long will it take me to get over David Zich. It was easier with Brian because Brian didnt love himself, Brian couldnt admit to himself that he was gay, and then Brian moved away. But David is out, David isn't far and away, hes right down the corner, and yet ive never felt quite so isolated. I think what hurts the most is the feeling of inadequacy, either that or the feeling that i almost had my golden opportunity. I have no closure, the wound remains open, i cannot stitch this myself, how long will it be before he returns my heart, how long will it be before someone stitches my gaping wound closed, how long will it be before i exsanguinate. Only time will tell, time heals everything they say, but im not so certain anymore. When i was struggling to breathe early the other morning before i realized it was just a panic attack, i felt content to die, i was not going to go get up and go to the medicine cabinet and get an asprin, i thought finally an end had arrived, i thought comfort was on the other side of the pain. I thought death had finally came to claim me, like i had prayed for in my early years of childhood in my darkest days. Ive met death before, enough times that i know his face, the sad thing is, he doesnt want me either. Ive never felt as lost and disenfranchised as i do at this moment, disillusioned but somehow still i care for David Zich, i wish i knew why. Ive been saving myself for so long, perhaps this is one of those situations where someones going to come save me instead of pulling myself out. Or maybe this is a cross i must bare. But i havent learned anything other than that pain is deep, and no external force could inflict wounds large or deep enough to hurt me like ive been hurt by David. I pray the conclusion is close at close at hand because i cant survive another act, im certain that ill collapse. I used to be strong but ive never felt so small and insignifigant and scared before