Chapter nineteen: slam bam thank ya mam

i thought something good was coming, i thought it was gonna be great i thought, heres my fairy tale
FUCK NO, it was going good until i got dumped then got recycled and then dumped again, never again, i think im supposed to have the life of a whore or else i would have at least had a long term relationship by now, im not asking for marriage here but for someone to have interest in me for at least a month is that so damn hard, i just dont know why i try anymore, i could have done so much better but no i thought personality must be underneath but turns out the personality underneath was a douchebag, ive been unemployed, for about six months now, i am going crazy ive been writing a lot, and planning life, but i keep ending up to this place where theres no way out and i feel as though im going to be in this state for a while, first im broke now im such a free loader because im 18 and have no job, although the economy is bad im supposed to have jobs even though there arent any im supposed to have about twelve, because im apparantly god and can make something out of nothing, im glad to find that out instead of a pond out back im going to have a big ass hole full of wine now, when i figure out how that trick works it seems like everything is somehow my fault and i dont know how it got this way, but i keep trying, i spent the entire trip to carowinds with my family hating the world , i think its myself i hate a little bit more because i know that most of what they say has some bearing of truth , and i despise myself for it

Chapter eighteen: the L word

for the longest time i didnt believe in fairy tales
that is until last sunday.
i went to green street a club in greensboro not far from where i live
it was my first time clubbing since i turned 18
i went with my older brother primarily because i was his designated driver.
the first few minutes were awkward and a little bit intimidating like being a fresh peice of meat in a lions den
and a little overwhelming being in a room with so many gay people a feeling i hadnt felt since my first party at my friend chris's house. i was introduced to a lot of new people and started to find my groove for the night i decided to step back and take a smoke break next to the bar when a blonde girl walks up to me and introduces herself. " hi im Ashley" she said i told her my name in return and she replied with my friend the one who just walked that way thinks your really cute, she took me over and introduced me and within a few minutes we were dancing which was very nice considering h was a really good dancer. a few minutes later we were off the dance floor dying from the heat and decided to sit down and get to know each other, we talked for the rest of the night until my brother came to tell me he was ready for me to ferry his gin soaked ass home. we exchanged numbers before i left and before i knew it we were texting non stop. whats wierd about that is that we had so much in common it was astounding. i dont want to say it but im quite certain this boy could be husband material, the more and more i talk to him the more i find he has the qualities im looking for in a signifigant other but im so afraid that this one will be perfect and my bad luck or big mouth will fuck it all up. all i know is hes asked me out on a date tomorrow and NOTHING will stop me from going, perhaps this is my moment after all the absolute bullshit and good karma ive built up the universe or god or whatever it is that controls fate, has finally decided ive suffered enough and prooved myself enough to finally have th happiness ive been searching for perhaps this could be the first meaningful relationship ever ......dare i say it perhaps it could be the start of .....love .... one thing is for sure its definitely the start of a good start to something good :)

Chapter 17: funny the way it is

inspiration... it can strike at any moment, and leave when you need it most. My muse has been good to me over the years, and when im not hearing her in my ear its usually because shes telling me i need to find inspiration by fixing my old work. as i grow more and more as a writer ive been maturing but the one thing remains the same. i write from the heart, alone at two or three am when the world is asleep and im feverishly typing away at whatever computer i happen to have access to. as ive grown ive kept elements lost elements, and always continued to change and innovate but never losing my style and never compromising gthe integrity of characters for the purpose of the plot. its a passion and i know it has always been a love of mine, ever since i started writing in first grade when i would piece together little short children stories. Writing has always been a voice when i felt i had none, and it never stopped to improve over the years i learned that i suck at writing books, but i have a true talent at writing scripts because i simply see the story in my mind and write it out , work on it , develope the dialogue and carefully craft my way from one point to another with a rather unique style. and as my inspiration comes and goes i become more and more invested in finding it once again, and the only way i know to find anything is to expand my view, and look within myself for the things i cannot find externally. in doing this i have moved from being the little child making miniscule storybooks , to the dorky kid writing fantasy sci fi books, to the script writer who was a punk teenager with mortality and bloodshed on the mind, just trying to understand his nightmares, and starting out writing movies and theatre inadvertantly by starting out writing by simply making a script based on what i would have done differently in the movie scream which i thought was the most inventive story in modern horror when i was in middle school and quite uncool. Eventually i became invested in writing storys instead of circumstances with a few lines, i learned to craft a character that was true and real and that people could care about. I eventualy grew out of my shyness and began to open up about my writing both by writing characters that each carried a piece of me and as well as being able to let people read what i had written. in the end i think it was actually my writing that helped me come out all those years ago when i was in ninth grade and had just started to do real writing or the first time. and eventually moved from being the horror writer to being the dramatic horror writer to being the trageic dramatic thriller writer to being the tragedy/love/drama/horror/happyness/triumph and pretty much all facets of life writer that i am today . and as i was watching videos on youtube, i stumbled across one i hadnt seen in a long while but i distinctly remember it capturing my attention when i first saw it back in 2007 on daytime tv when i was skipping school to be away from the world of the shallow people i was forced to be educated with. it was a phenominon. and it took until 2007 for it to happen on daytime but it was the first kiss of luke and noah on as the world turns which i remember watching biting my nails heart pounding hungry for more, then i remembered how i had never really started watching before then but then got really sad when it all ended in 2010 but stumbling across the old nuke vid made me inspired to write a soap opera about some version of the truth of what i remember experiencing and witnessing in highschool and im going to share it with the world

Chapter ...Oh fuck i forgot

so .... its been months since i last blogged but for the record nothing much has changed. Life still continues to make me its bitch. no strike that people still manage to fuck with my life , namely people i havent even met yet. I know i have some rather whorish tendancies but even i take no joy in getting fucked over by people who ive never met or harmed or done anything to. The purpose of this ranting is not to have a woe is me moment but to proffess how much i thoroughly despise the way the education system where i live works. 17 years, ive given SEVENTEEN FUCKING YEARS to being a good person and taking what im given and working around it and being a good sport when i plan around shit and then watch those plans be ruined at the last second by someone or having everything be changed or just completely nullified. I am a thespian , acting is quite literally in my blood, i love theatre with a passion, its the highest form of art, immediately under it is my third love in life music, ( the second love of course being men [ hot ones that think im attractive not the ugly ones that are living proof that sterilization of some people is a good thing]) the thing i love about theatre is its all encompassing , everything you learn from all walks of life, literally everything i have ever learned in any classroom, is both applicable and conversely is enhanced by theatre. as well there are also a lot of things i have learned from theatre that i would have never learned anywhere else, it is in fact a seperate world that effects the rest of the world and is effected by the rest of the world but yet amazingly still maintains its own individualism , in short it is just like me as a person. is it any wonder that theatre is the subject i chose to do my senior project on. ; a project that is supposed to teach us about organization ( theatre is also well organized) but as it turns out this project is the most disorganized hot mess of a thing i have ever seen and has gone from seeminly easy to fucking impossible in the blink of an eye for me. My product, which is the second biggest part of your grade on the project right after the research paper, was a show, write the script, cast it , direct it do the lighting plots for it build the sets obtain or create the props, ( i opted to help my fellow thespian friend blake by lettin her do the makeup and costuming for it) as well as arranging the publicites booking the stage, organizing rehearsals, etc. the list goes on and on because to accurately take part in all the aspects of a theatrical production, or at least all the technical aspects, you find you have no more space in your hat drawer when your done dabbling in them all. The first snag in the damn thing was getting a mentor , which i am still unable to do the second was scripting because at the time of scripting my now ex friend barb was supposed to be the choreographer and producer althought she ended up backing out and had no fucking clue what a producer does, nor did she ever ave the ability to pull her head out of her boyfriends lap to take the time to do any of those duties , yet another hat i had to add to my vast collection. after scripting it she of course wanted to cast it and as the director you must take a particular interest in who is cast , that is to say your the one who casts it , well as it turns out she didnt tell anyone about the casting but rather was going to rely on some of the flightiest people who she for some undetermined reason idolizes even thought they arent exactly hot shit and talk about her as if she were a huge joke, after careful examination of our friendship after it had run its course, i came to the conclusion that indeed she is one, and a manipulative backstabbing ship jumping , pretensious, two faced, harlottesq, one at that. when she did not manage to break the production i had the arduous task of making up for all the time she squandored while making empty promises and lies that she had actually done what she was supposed to , aka pulling her end of the duties. starting with the booking of the auditorium, and casting the show. i had gotten that done after what amounts to pulling teeth, and had amassed myself a schedule that provided a full week for building set, and then another two for rehaersals and getting the music and rigging the lights, that would need to be brought from my personal collection at home because they didnt come standard in our system. but then last week , i learned that they moved the date up to four days after the spring musical ... which i was already splitting my time with because im in that as well as being the god like figure captaining this show. the date for the presentations of the whole damned thing was now moved to may 11th , MY damn ship has been sunk . i may not graduate now because i have nothing prepared, simply because i now have no time because they moved things to a date that is a full month ahead of when it was originally all to be due, i was already going to be cutting it close because of the fact that i have been job searching rehearsing, trying to simply keep myself alive, and get all my classwork done and this , now i learn that they move the damn date up to before the only time i was able to get the auditorium, and i now have no product no mentor only two meetings with my advisor ,.... basically meaning the portfolio portion of the grade is completely gone and im going to have to pull something out of my ass or fail my last year of high school because of some stupid guinea pig program they instituted recently thats going to be the deciding factor as to wether or not you get a diploma the whole time we were working on it theyve been changing the guidlines and ive been struggling to work around it but now i have literally no time. to do any of the things i had planned and i will probably not have actors because they all have lives, and arent going to give up the only time i would now have to get in a single rehearsal which i would have to film to prove we actually did something. The only thing the school system where i live has ever tried to do is to churn out future medical students future teahcers and future ass kissing assistants to future ceos. But if you want to have a life that has any substance or meaning im sorry but your going to have to do all this without a diploma good luck getting the part time job you need to keep your happy as off the streets and fed because thats no longer happening because weve decided to fuck you over one last time before your finally free, we saved the best for last, and the best part is you could have either dropped out or graduated early last year, and been fine because you would have ended up in the same fucking place but now your future is ruined and weve wasted your present hahahahahahahah. to this i say FUCK YOU ALAMANCE BURLINGTON SCHOOL SYSTEM AND FUCK FUCK FUCK < MURDER< AND FUCK YOUR CORPSE WITH A TWO FOOT DISEASED MAGGOT COVER DICK whoever inveted the graduation project, i swear to god i may fucking have 20 pounds left from starvation by the time i get that bare foot of mine in the door but when im on top , i swear im going to use my hard earned influence to get kids to drop out and when they do noone will pay your checks and you will all know the struggles im now going to have to face. ..... so if there was ever any doubt this is why i smoke like a freight train, and drink so much , and am probably destined to have a crippling bout with alcoholism, EDUCATION HAS BEEN A COMPLETE WASTE OF MY FUCKING TIME NOW ALL THINKS TO A FEW JACKASSES WHO MAKE TOO FUCKING MUCH MONEY AND HAVE LOST ALL TOUCH WITH REALITY AND FEEL LIKE PLAYING GOD WELLL SINCERELY FUCK YOU ALL

Chapter Fifteen: the emancipation of a generation

I turned 18 recently , finally legal, and already life tastes a little sweeter, but it doesnt completely lack the bite of bitter events, one of which is soon i will be thrown out into the world all on my own and im just starting to tap into a higher more mature part of my artistic soul. But its seeming as though either its happening to slow, or im going to have more than i bargained for as far as struggling to achieve my dreams goes. But as they say luck favors the drunk and the foolish and i find myself often being both. the truth is i know a lot, but i dont know everything and lately the stress has caused me to not be able to articulate what im trying to say into word and poetry as is usual. and just when i started to get into making my music, but none the less i shall eventually get back to that purity its just a matter of time, ie learned if i take a few poems that are about the same subject and take whats most powerful from each and add in the little bits of lines and rythms that will make them connect cohesively it makes for the best music the most honest and undilluted and focused music. which is good because lately writting my song lyrics ive found myself becoming add. maybe its a sign that either i need to revisit my older works and expand improve and polish, or work on my script writting again, the creative juices are flowing but the stress is taking its toll, perhaps i will do both who knows, all i know is im accquiring the skills to survive on my own , and im going to find a way to survive but for the first time in my life i feel completely confident that i can be independant and for the first time in a long time it seems like the only dillema ( aside from lack of a partner) is that i have to coose what road to travel down first, graduation is coming up fast, after that im on my own, provided i can find a job and support myself im going to be allright and im going to be able to focus solely on my art while i make ends meet and live life and experience everything i can the future is bulletproof the aftermath is secondary. and i have a hollowpoint smile just waiting to detonate

Chapter Fourteen: OH YOU FANCY HUH?

its a strange release leting go of a parasite thats been sucking you dry. No im not talking about a tapeworm or a ringworm or leech or anything, im talking about a person. This particular person was supposedly my friend. Her name Barb, her specialty : DRAMA, with a degree in instigating it, she has a rare talent from starting bullshit out of thin air. Im a very compassionate person, a very caring very trusting person. I became friends with this person but somehow fell under the illusions thrown in my face. after a grand total of a year, ive been through more bullshit because of her than because of anyone else. She used to ditch me here and there but we'd eventually hang out sometime during the week so i overlooked it ...foolishly but thats me always giving the benefit of the doubt. Eventually barb had moved herself into my life, without an invitation i might add, but i didnt mind because im not an exclusive person i dont disclude anyone without reason. during the summertime after musical was over, she had stopped hanging out with me and started hanging out with heaven, someone who i didnt have a problem with. I was low on gas one day when barb called me at 11:00 on a saturday to come help out heaven because she didnt know how to change a tire. I hopped in my hoopty being a good samaritan , and by the time i got there she was sitting in the driveway with her spare on, and turned around and said in a rather obnoxious rude tone " what are you doing here". I looked at barb and she said yeah i forgot to call you and tell you she got it on herself. they then without another word left and there i am car on E and i have to go to work in two hours and they just left not a thanks anyway nothing. Later during the week on my day off i called up barb to see if she wanted to hang out. " well im hanging out with heaven today" she told me , to which i replied thats chill can we all three not hang out, " were with heavans grandma" barb said ( probably a lie but i have no proof) over the phone i heard heaven say " i dont want to hang out with that loser". Now lets examine this here because this was my first redflag. why would you continue to hang out with someone , without setting them straight after they ditched your bestfriend?, particularly a bestfriend that you let someone call a loser, although apparantly i wasnt too big a loser for her to call me when she didnt know how to change a tire, but i digress. weeks went by eventually their relationship kind of went the way of the birds and once again i was the guy to call. after a while of hanging with my gay friend chris, who went to middle college with barb before she transferred back to western ( to be in musical of course ), who was asking me how i could stand her, and informed me that she had talked crap about me behind my back. i dismissed it as maybe miscommunication but i still held on to my suspiscion. Later during the year barb got a boyfriend and was always busy with him never having time for anyone else. One night at 1am i get a call , i answer to a hysterical barb asking if i could come pick her up, ( this had not been the first time i had gotten a "can you come pick me up" call at such a late hour but it was the first time it had the hysterical crying with it. "im at my house my aunts are kicking me out" she blubbered through her sobs. I went a picked her up and brought her back to my house. I arranged for my friend blake to house her.  after which , i never saw her for a solid few months , in fact outside of our classes i barely saw her at all, neither did blake because all her time was spent at her boyfriends house. well eventually she moved back in with her aunts , after a ton of drama she started in the little bits of time she wasnt with her boyfriend. second semester had begun, and we all had english together, blake barb and myself. I had told barb last year how i wanted to do a show for my senior project. I sat down at our table and barb said "DUSTIN im doing a show for my senior prject and i want you and balke to help me with it" i said what? she said" no im serious im gonna choreograph and produce you can do all the tech and blake will get the makeup and costumes" i said okay because i knew it wouldnt interfere with my directing and i hadnt really started on the product portion yet so it was all good as i was concerned and i assumed she had begun seeing about booking the auditorium and setting up an audtion date , she hadnt. It took forever to get her to sit down and have a meeting with me abotu the song selection so i could write the script around it. we finally got them all and the script was written within two days. I asked to have another meeting to discuss auditioning and the fine points of everything else. She kept dodging. Wednesday we had a meeting set up for right after third period not long just about five to thirty minutes. we both had early release so it wouldnt get in the way of anything. I got to second period and she stopped me and said " i cant make the meeting today because my aunts say i have to go immediately home". her aunts were strict but she had used that line before when it turned out she had just something else she wanted to do more going on or simply didnt want to do it. later that sme day i was texting her explaining the importance of the next meeting and told her we had to get together soon, and that the time for procrastinating was up we had to get things moving. we had set up the meeting for either or the next day thursday , or friday the day after. I didnt go to school on thursday so i texted her at 12:30, she gets out at 1:30 , and asked her where she wanted to meet me at school at her house or somewhere else to be determined, because it didnt make a fuck to me. she never texted back i texted her two more times during the day . The next day in first period , she didnt say a word to me, didnt say a word when i passed her on the way to second. Then she walked into my third period which she isnt in and began talking to everyone but me . I stopped her. " so are we having our meeting today then because you never texted me back" i said " you werent at school yesterday".she replied to which i said " i texted you at 12:30 you never texted back and i texted you two times after that" " you never texted me" she said to which i said " bullshit" she covered and said i mean you didnt text at twelve thirty . I said " do you want to see time sent on the message because i have it" she changed her tone and said " ive been thinking and talking to our english teacher and maybe we should just do seperate shows because i dont like the way this is going nothing is getting done" to which i said " EXCUSE ME!! , nothings getting done, ive been busting my ass doing every bit of work , my ducks are in a row the only worl not getting done is yours which i was going to do anyway but you sdid no its my job dont get in the way of my work it will look bad on me, so ive been fighting your ass to get anything done" i waited for a reply but she was speechless so i said " do your own show good luck but im booking the auditorium as we speak, dont even think about using my script or any of the songs that go with it because they are mine". sat down and talked to someone for a while then left after which i shouted bitch very loudly after her. i explained to her via text after that it was the final straw and she could call someone else to pick her up at 1 am when she needs it because i wouldnt be there im timred of being used and how she only knows my name when she needs something for me i said to her she could take her bullshit and stuff it. ........its funny how since letting out those words and removing this parasite of a person from my life i feel so much better still resentful a little but so much better , i wonder why that is?

Chapter thirteen: Ending a chapter and starting anew

ive been dealing with the onset of a depression lately. Im the most self critical person i know. I hide it with confidence, and false smiles so my hurt doesnt show. But inside im not really sure if im all people see in me. People tell me im beautiful but all i see is ugly. People say im talented, but i only see the things i did wrong. Lately ive been disappointed in myself, and my health has been down. im not sure if i can make it out in the big bad world, and it makes me think of death. Ive never been afraid of death, but im terrified of saying goodbye to my memories and closing chapters, i hope to live my life in a panorama where every moment that was positive will collide. Ive had a lot of happy in my life, a great deal my fair share id say. Its hard to know that when you see its surrounded in misery torment and heart ache. Most of the happiest times in my life where surrounded by unforseeable terrible events. One year sticks out in my mind. 9th grade, my mom finally divorced my little brothers dad who was a tyrant. I finally had made it out of middle school and made a ton of new friends, and i had gotten a lead role for my first year in musical. In the midst of all of this exubberance, was a thick , pendulous cloud of strife. I had encountered homophobia and opposition that year as i had just recently came out. My mom threatened to send me to military school when she heard it , thankfully over the years shes come to be accepting of it as it is a part of my life that i cant change. My grades were good except for math which i nearly failed thanks to one jerk of a teacher, and in the middle of the high times, the unthinkable , my dad passed away just days after i had turned 15. Ill be turning 18 in just a few days and its hard to believe its been 3 years since then. Ill be giving my final performance on my highschool stage that i have come to think of as a second home, and im thinking back on all the memories and realizing that through all of this sadness in my life my one safe haven has been the stage, the place that you think of to be the most intimidating and most vulnerable, your on display when your onstage. . . And thats the beauty of it all, Its where you can be free and where everyone onstage with you, is there by choice , not simply because they have to be or else they will get their parents in trouble for not making them go to school. I think back on all the speeces at the final curtains of several shows and think about all the friends i have grown close to and had to say goodbye to, and yet this year, im the one thats gonna be saying goodbye. ive been thinking about what i would say when they hand me that microphone to honor the seniors. and i think i wonder if everyone feels this way about it, because this is something i want to do all of my life because its the one thing im most passionate about, i truely know what it is to be a starving actor as i have dedicated my time to it reguardless of how it affects other aspects in my life. Ive iven my blood sweat and tears, litteraly and although i havent seen a single physical shred of proof that it was worth while , i have the feeling that it is because no matter what there is nothing that performing doesnt alleviate for me, in fact all te stress and pain and emotional scars in life, have made me better as a performer and there will never be a drug that can compare to the high i feel when im on stage performing. I remember all the backstage antics and all the relationships that were formed ..and staged , ( ive been married seven times in our fantasy world ) all the games of spades and ratscrew that i lost, hiding on the sets that i helped create and move. the times i ran lights for little shows. The times we all gathered around a key board or piano and sang show tunes and songs from the radio. and although all of my friends that arent from theatre dont understand it. I get a urge to cry and laugh and a tingle up my spine simultaneously whenever i hear a song from rent or wicked or chicago or practically any musical. And it reminds me of the large family i have accumulated through the years. In 2008 my father died. In 2008 i gained a new famly all together.