chapter twenty two: another day older and none the wiser

its been 7 hours and 15 days, quite literally, since i realized i was falling, and im still in love withdavid zich. It hurts more than anything has ever hurt before, i would equate the pain to giving birth through your urethra, Im accquainted with pain, im a conisseur of torture but this is throbbing and unbearable. i woke up at 4 in the morning two days ago, i had just spent the previous evening before with someone who made me forget for one second how bad it hurt, made me think of something other than david for a few seconds. I woke up after having had a dream about new years eve, and in the dream it was not only david who was rejecting me and playing with my fragile mind, but every man ive ever loved and been hurt by before. I woke up unable to breathe, i felt like a fish out of water, i assumed at first it was a heart attack but then to my dismay realized it would not be that easy for me, my arm still had feeling , my arteries were fine, this was meerely the first of what im sure is a wave of panic attacks, that have no ceasing point in the future. I cant listen to music, i cant watch tv, i can barely even work and not be reminded of how much it hurts me, of how much i want things to be different. I feel as though god is mocking me, laughing at me for thinking i could be happy. Perhaps im destined for martyrdom, its the only rational excuse for my seemingly vain suffering. I long for him, i long to feel the way i did before i met him. I dont regret that i let my walls down for him, i regret that he betrayed me after i did. I regret that he did the exact same thing brian did to me, which is the worst torment one can know. To tease me with love then cut me off cold, to exploit my feelings and then leave me out to dry, even after knowing i had tried so hard and worked so much to dismiss the feelings i had for him. He still advanced, pouncing like a fierce and starving lion on my vulnerable exposed heart, ripping it to shreds between his pointy sharp teeth. Even lions are beautiful. But the most beautiful things are often the most deadly to us. I feel as though ive learned nothing, or maybe its that im afraid if i listen to what my brain would tell me i would shut myself off and never love again, it would hurt less. Maybe its just one wound that time cannot heal. Or maybe im just hoping that he will return or maybe im just hoping that if i hurt so much then it must be true. Perhaps if im feeling something so intensly it negates the possibility that he dosent feel a thing. I wish life were simpler but alas, we are all destined to struggle with our own demons, people tell me i am beautiful, but all i see is imperfections, i dont believe that i am worthy of anyone, and when i allow myself to love someone its always ended up like this. But this is harder more intense than anything i ever felt. It took me five years to get over Brian, im still not entirely over it, How long will it take me to get over David Zich. It was easier with Brian because Brian didnt love himself, Brian couldnt admit to himself that he was gay, and then Brian moved away. But David is out, David isn't far and away, hes right down the corner, and yet ive never felt quite so isolated. I think what hurts the most is the feeling of inadequacy, either that or the feeling that i almost had my golden opportunity. I have no closure, the wound remains open, i cannot stitch this myself, how long will it be before he returns my heart, how long will it be before someone stitches my gaping wound closed, how long will it be before i exsanguinate. Only time will tell, time heals everything they say, but im not so certain anymore. When i was struggling to breathe early the other morning before i realized it was just a panic attack, i felt content to die, i was not going to go get up and go to the medicine cabinet and get an asprin, i thought finally an end had arrived, i thought comfort was on the other side of the pain. I thought death had finally came to claim me, like i had prayed for in my early years of childhood in my darkest days. Ive met death before, enough times that i know his face, the sad thing is, he doesnt want me either. Ive never felt as lost and disenfranchised as i do at this moment, disillusioned but somehow still i care for David Zich, i wish i knew why. Ive been saving myself for so long, perhaps this is one of those situations where someones going to come save me instead of pulling myself out. Or maybe this is a cross i must bare. But i havent learned anything other than that pain is deep, and no external force could inflict wounds large or deep enough to hurt me like ive been hurt by David. I pray the conclusion is close at close at hand because i cant survive another act, im certain that ill collapse. I used to be strong but ive never felt so small and insignifigant and scared before

Chapter Twenty One: Zich Heil

When i started this blog, ( i still assume noone reads it but i dont frankly give a shit its for my own personal theraputic purposes) i told myself i would mention people with some degree of anonymity. But there are times in life when you meet someone and you cant not use their name, plus the chapter needed a pun. Im talking about the latest entry in my long list of love life failures, namely David Zich. I met him through my brothers friend Victor, instantly i felt physically attracted to him, but within the first day of hanging out with him i felt myself drawn to his personality and sense of humor. Being the person i am when i meet someone interesting or that i wouldnt mind to continue knowin i add them on facebook. no shorter than five minutes had passed that i recieved a message from him that said," im head over heels for your brother and i dont want to be involved with you" to which i responded ( innocently of course because to me at the start of this it was nothing more than oh youre cool your not an ass maybe ill see you again sometime no social obligational context withstanding whatsoever) " im not hitting on you im adding you on facebook chill, its not like you knowing me affects your relationship with my brother in the slightest. and that was that, and we continued to be in the same social enviroment as one another for quite some time, over which time i learned that the so called relationship he had with my brother was one that didnt amount to anything ( my brother tends to have relationships like that with guys, he tends to want more than one option on any given day much like a person who cant go out to eat anywhere other than a buffet). well it just so happened that my attractions grew as they tend to do when im intrigued by someone, particualrly an attractive and intellectually stimulating, and nice someone. I dismissed it as a minor crush at the time, at the time thats what it was to me, we were watching a movie called blood diamond at victors, my brother passed out on one couch david in the corner of another, victor and i taking turns occupying the vacant seat on the couch beside david, while the other took shifts on the concrete floor. As we watched the film became more violent and i became more comfortable on the couch melting into the cushions and making myself at home. I can watch stabbing all day long and not jump the slightest bit but something about gunfire causes me to flinch, and as the movie dragged on i heard a gunshot and reached up instinctively and grabbed davids hand,to which he responded by taking my hand and placing it gently on the pillow in a subtle rejection of this perceived advance. This action did not go unnoticed, and of course i got hell for having a crush on david which i accepted and moved on thinking i was over my seemingly minor infatuation with such an enchanting boy, then the holidays rolled around and we began spending increasingly longer amounts of time together as a group, victor had now moved into a new house which was far more lavish than his previous dwelling, and we all watched the right together with our estranged friend matt moss. who was enjoying his new christmas present that being nerf guns and entertaining himself by taking shots at my brother which i found amusing. as the movie progressed i became more invested in the story, and matt became more invested in exacting his revenge on my brother via nerf gun assassination, so to facilitate this valiant cause i offered up my chair which was in far better range in exchange for the seat on the couch which was in perfect undisturbed view of the television, and coincidentaly next to david.during the movie , i began to curl up and watch the movie as i do, then he tapped me on the head, and victor being his funny self cracks the wise comment "just dont try to hold davids hand this time" to which there was laughter and slight humiliation but i ignored it and continued watching, after a while i forgot about it and then david tapped me on the head, i look up and he lowered down his phone with the message " i dont hate you" typed on it, i grabbed the phone and typed back " who said you hate me?" in utter confusing, to which he responded just forget about it. after everyone else left i told the story to victor who couldnt make heads or tails of it either, and i remained confused but left it alone. Then along came new years eve a joyus time to forget the woes of the past year and start anew with new mistakes to make you hate the world, and how do we ring in the new year, by drinking and clubbing and whatnot. My brother david victor and i had all made plans to go to warehouse 29 to which i was not completely enthused at the prospect that i might run into my old ex matt dazzle whom i was ( and still am not) particularly fond of. But we went after pregaming the drinking at victors house the designated crash area for after the party ended. we went and started to enjoy ourselves, and as the night went on my brother continued to drink past his limit as he tends to do and i was told to take david away from him so ricky didnt get pissed off, so i took david off away from him and we entertained ourselves, and danced a little, ( quite provocatively in retrospect but i thought little of it at the time other than just good old new years fun) and then we began to sit on the couch and talk and lay twenty questions, over the course of which we discussed things such as music favorite bands, colors, what e find attractive in guys, and it became wierd at that point that david had describe my physical traits as what he finds attractive in a guy, to which i said, " well im going to go look for other fine anonymous lovlies to frolic with care to help me locate some" and he put his hand on my thigh and said , "dont go" so i lingered for a moment but not for to long considering someone approached us and said " that guy in the red shirt you guys were hanging with just threw up all over the bathroom" so we went to assess the situation and then decided we were all now ready to leave and take the drunkey home. When we got back to victors house we were faced with the task of sobering ricky up, a task we left to victor because hes good at dealing with beligerent alcoholics, and he proceeded to forcedeed ricky water, seeing as there was nothing for dav id or i to do in such a situation we decided to sit on the couch up in the loft and continue to talk about various innocuous things. It was cold up in the nook so we got closer and closer and closer together, then we found ourselves snuggling to keep warm, and we continued to talk about our first loves and i proceeded to tell him about my past experiences and he told me his, and then he leaned down and kissed me, a drunk mistake if stopped there, but it didnt,it continued, the kisses got more passionate and the hands began to roam, and it was clear that whatever was happening, was intentional. it was at this moment, it clicked for me that my feelings i thought i was certain of, i was merely fooling myself about, i genuinely cared about david, it was more than just a passing fancy it was full blown infatuated first stage love, of some degree. i had officially fallen. We were interupted by noise downstairs in the bathroom which we decided i needed to investigate, after david telling me " they would kill us if they walked in on us at the moment, primarily you" to which i had no replie but he said " come back in a few minutes ill wait for you after everyone goes to sleep, i wont be asleep" and i proceeded downstairs as if nothing had occurred, confused as to wether what had occured was reality or my mind playing tricks on itself. but then night dragged on, and ricky got somewhat sober, and noone wanted to go to bed, and it seemed like everyone else would never go to sleep, but then david emerged from his nook while we were supposed to watch a movie, and after ricky decided to pass, out and victor decided to go to bed he called david into his room to have a talk with him ( apparantly sensing something was going on with us) after which conversation david went to the basement and i fell asleep. The next morning came and i felt sick , on my stomach from the bad chinese i had ate the night before, and in my heart for not knowing what to feel anymore, and mostly eager to know what victor had said to david, and then david and ricky woke up, and decided to go home, i was to upset on my stomache to want to drive and had already called out of work for the day so i wanted to stay a little while and collect my thoughts and wait out the seasickness i was feeling on my uneasy stomach. i talked to victor after he woke up and discussed what had happened and checked my facebook. David had messaged me and told me he couldnt proceed with what went down the night before because he was convinced he wanted my brother and not me, and that he was sorry if he led me on. to which i replied why are you doing this now, how can you just kiss me and then tell me and nearly fuck me and then tell me you want nothing to do with me as if i was some kind of potential one night stand that got interrupted and now you dont ever want to see me again, when looking back the next day it became instantly obvious that the whole evening had been planned. after a while of talking and me feeling bad he decided to tell me im going to find someone right for me and that its just best if we not talk for a while. that was approximately 6 days ago, and then i found out two days ago, that david had dinner wth my brother during which dinner he blamed the entire event on me. which broke my heart into, i feel lower than i ever had before, and i cant seem to wrap my head around what is going on or what i should feel and it seems like everyone is against me or ignoring me, and i really just want to hate david zich , but i cant, i dont want to have feelings for him, but i cannot deny that they exist, i have never been more lost in my life, the only other time ive felt, this bad was with my first love.

chapter twenty: poetic device/instrument of the flesh

everyone has their own demons to carry, thats for sure, having been unemployed for six months ive had my hands tied up in looking for jobs and running myself ragged, as well as being completely swept up in a relationship drama of every sort. My friends have been having growing pains of their own, im still waiting for blake to post so i can put together the final episode of lipsynch lullabyes together before we start filming the first season of episodes, and get the cast together which poses another issue of itself but i digress. over the past few months, ive been wrestling with many things, including a secret relapse of alcoholism to the point where to get any sleep at all i was drinking every night, even going so far as to steal a little bit of my brothers extensive stash of booze. ive been completely ripped open over the fact that i had such a terrible relationship with matt someone who i thought at first i had a really good connection with but ended up being broke up with by him twice.After that i finally had the brains to not take him back for this indignity, but when i tried to be civil because its the type of person i am he spat it back in my face we ended up getting into a gunslinging war of insults over text message and i got chewed over by his new boyfriend whom ive never met dont care to and  frankly feel a little sorry for just because hes ignorant both to the story and history between HIS boyfreind and the person hes attempting a confrontation with , as well as because i know he will end up being hurt by matt like i was because he seems to have developed feelings for him which is a dangerous avenue to persue because i know how honestly afraid matt is. a part of me bleeds for this poor soul whos so caught up he cant see hes about to be ripped apart by a tiger shark whos incapable of talking beyond simple words without getting pissed off at the other person having an opinion different or otherwise. What hurts most though is that this all has dredged up the pain and memories i buried deep in my subconscious..the memories o my first love brian with whom i still have yet to speak with since defriending him over a year ago. ive been through a lot of soul searching, there were times that i doubted the existence of god at all in these past few years, my faith has been tested and im finally reconcilled my religious leaps of faith, with both my own inner struggles and the things i know all too well to be absolutely true no guessing or faith required. i had spent my time in recent years cursing god but with my job interview coming up soon and my inner strength and virtue and general light returning i feel more at peace with my creator. ive been through a complete makeover of the soul and found out that i wasnt over half of the stuff i thought i was and that i should learn to grieve instead of repress.its been a growing exercise in my life recently. who can say if ive been changed for the better , i think so , i like to believe so, but i know for certain ive been changed for the good, and recently learned that ive been a great influence on some people but with some need to step up my role, ive stopped thinking of myself as a person in personal terms but in a less selfish incarnation of what a person can be, i have learned to think of myself in terms of an activist or icon . i have learned to think of myself as....thats it . i have learned to think of myself, i thinks thats what in therapy they call a break through

Chapter nineteen: slam bam thank ya mam

i thought something good was coming, i thought it was gonna be great i thought, heres my fairy tale
FUCK NO, it was going good until i got dumped then got recycled and then dumped again, never again, i think im supposed to have the life of a whore or else i would have at least had a long term relationship by now, im not asking for marriage here but for someone to have interest in me for at least a month is that so damn hard, i just dont know why i try anymore, i could have done so much better but no i thought personality must be underneath but turns out the personality underneath was a douchebag, ive been unemployed, for about six months now, i am going crazy ive been writing a lot, and planning life, but i keep ending up to this place where theres no way out and i feel as though im going to be in this state for a while, first im broke now im such a free loader because im 18 and have no job, although the economy is bad im supposed to have jobs even though there arent any im supposed to have about twelve, because im apparantly god and can make something out of nothing, im glad to find that out instead of a pond out back im going to have a big ass hole full of wine now, when i figure out how that trick works it seems like everything is somehow my fault and i dont know how it got this way, but i keep trying, i spent the entire trip to carowinds with my family hating the world , i think its myself i hate a little bit more because i know that most of what they say has some bearing of truth , and i despise myself for it

Chapter eighteen: the L word

for the longest time i didnt believe in fairy tales
that is until last sunday.
i went to green street a club in greensboro not far from where i live
it was my first time clubbing since i turned 18
i went with my older brother primarily because i was his designated driver.
the first few minutes were awkward and a little bit intimidating like being a fresh peice of meat in a lions den
and a little overwhelming being in a room with so many gay people a feeling i hadnt felt since my first party at my friend chris's house. i was introduced to a lot of new people and started to find my groove for the night i decided to step back and take a smoke break next to the bar when a blonde girl walks up to me and introduces herself. " hi im Ashley" she said i told her my name in return and she replied with my friend the one who just walked that way thinks your really cute, she took me over and introduced me and within a few minutes we were dancing which was very nice considering h was a really good dancer. a few minutes later we were off the dance floor dying from the heat and decided to sit down and get to know each other, we talked for the rest of the night until my brother came to tell me he was ready for me to ferry his gin soaked ass home. we exchanged numbers before i left and before i knew it we were texting non stop. whats wierd about that is that we had so much in common it was astounding. i dont want to say it but im quite certain this boy could be husband material, the more and more i talk to him the more i find he has the qualities im looking for in a signifigant other but im so afraid that this one will be perfect and my bad luck or big mouth will fuck it all up. all i know is hes asked me out on a date tomorrow and NOTHING will stop me from going, perhaps this is my moment after all the absolute bullshit and good karma ive built up the universe or god or whatever it is that controls fate, has finally decided ive suffered enough and prooved myself enough to finally have th happiness ive been searching for perhaps this could be the first meaningful relationship ever ......dare i say it perhaps it could be the start of .....love .... one thing is for sure its definitely the start of a good start to something good :)

Chapter 17: funny the way it is

inspiration... it can strike at any moment, and leave when you need it most. My muse has been good to me over the years, and when im not hearing her in my ear its usually because shes telling me i need to find inspiration by fixing my old work. as i grow more and more as a writer ive been maturing but the one thing remains the same. i write from the heart, alone at two or three am when the world is asleep and im feverishly typing away at whatever computer i happen to have access to. as ive grown ive kept elements lost elements, and always continued to change and innovate but never losing my style and never compromising gthe integrity of characters for the purpose of the plot. its a passion and i know it has always been a love of mine, ever since i started writing in first grade when i would piece together little short children stories. Writing has always been a voice when i felt i had none, and it never stopped to improve over the years i learned that i suck at writing books, but i have a true talent at writing scripts because i simply see the story in my mind and write it out , work on it , develope the dialogue and carefully craft my way from one point to another with a rather unique style. and as my inspiration comes and goes i become more and more invested in finding it once again, and the only way i know to find anything is to expand my view, and look within myself for the things i cannot find externally. in doing this i have moved from being the little child making miniscule storybooks , to the dorky kid writing fantasy sci fi books, to the script writer who was a punk teenager with mortality and bloodshed on the mind, just trying to understand his nightmares, and starting out writing movies and theatre inadvertantly by starting out writing by simply making a script based on what i would have done differently in the movie scream which i thought was the most inventive story in modern horror when i was in middle school and quite uncool. Eventually i became invested in writing storys instead of circumstances with a few lines, i learned to craft a character that was true and real and that people could care about. I eventualy grew out of my shyness and began to open up about my writing both by writing characters that each carried a piece of me and as well as being able to let people read what i had written. in the end i think it was actually my writing that helped me come out all those years ago when i was in ninth grade and had just started to do real writing or the first time. and eventually moved from being the horror writer to being the dramatic horror writer to being the trageic dramatic thriller writer to being the tragedy/love/drama/horror/happyness/triumph and pretty much all facets of life writer that i am today . and as i was watching videos on youtube, i stumbled across one i hadnt seen in a long while but i distinctly remember it capturing my attention when i first saw it back in 2007 on daytime tv when i was skipping school to be away from the world of the shallow people i was forced to be educated with. it was a phenominon. and it took until 2007 for it to happen on daytime but it was the first kiss of luke and noah on as the world turns which i remember watching biting my nails heart pounding hungry for more, then i remembered how i had never really started watching before then but then got really sad when it all ended in 2010 but stumbling across the old nuke vid made me inspired to write a soap opera about some version of the truth of what i remember experiencing and witnessing in highschool and im going to share it with the world

Chapter ...Oh fuck i forgot

so .... its been months since i last blogged but for the record nothing much has changed. Life still continues to make me its bitch. no strike that people still manage to fuck with my life , namely people i havent even met yet. I know i have some rather whorish tendancies but even i take no joy in getting fucked over by people who ive never met or harmed or done anything to. The purpose of this ranting is not to have a woe is me moment but to proffess how much i thoroughly despise the way the education system where i live works. 17 years, ive given SEVENTEEN FUCKING YEARS to being a good person and taking what im given and working around it and being a good sport when i plan around shit and then watch those plans be ruined at the last second by someone or having everything be changed or just completely nullified. I am a thespian , acting is quite literally in my blood, i love theatre with a passion, its the highest form of art, immediately under it is my third love in life music, ( the second love of course being men [ hot ones that think im attractive not the ugly ones that are living proof that sterilization of some people is a good thing]) the thing i love about theatre is its all encompassing , everything you learn from all walks of life, literally everything i have ever learned in any classroom, is both applicable and conversely is enhanced by theatre. as well there are also a lot of things i have learned from theatre that i would have never learned anywhere else, it is in fact a seperate world that effects the rest of the world and is effected by the rest of the world but yet amazingly still maintains its own individualism , in short it is just like me as a person. is it any wonder that theatre is the subject i chose to do my senior project on. ; a project that is supposed to teach us about organization ( theatre is also well organized) but as it turns out this project is the most disorganized hot mess of a thing i have ever seen and has gone from seeminly easy to fucking impossible in the blink of an eye for me. My product, which is the second biggest part of your grade on the project right after the research paper, was a show, write the script, cast it , direct it do the lighting plots for it build the sets obtain or create the props, ( i opted to help my fellow thespian friend blake by lettin her do the makeup and costuming for it) as well as arranging the publicites booking the stage, organizing rehearsals, etc. the list goes on and on because to accurately take part in all the aspects of a theatrical production, or at least all the technical aspects, you find you have no more space in your hat drawer when your done dabbling in them all. The first snag in the damn thing was getting a mentor , which i am still unable to do the second was scripting because at the time of scripting my now ex friend barb was supposed to be the choreographer and producer althought she ended up backing out and had no fucking clue what a producer does, nor did she ever ave the ability to pull her head out of her boyfriends lap to take the time to do any of those duties , yet another hat i had to add to my vast collection. after scripting it she of course wanted to cast it and as the director you must take a particular interest in who is cast , that is to say your the one who casts it , well as it turns out she didnt tell anyone about the casting but rather was going to rely on some of the flightiest people who she for some undetermined reason idolizes even thought they arent exactly hot shit and talk about her as if she were a huge joke, after careful examination of our friendship after it had run its course, i came to the conclusion that indeed she is one, and a manipulative backstabbing ship jumping , pretensious, two faced, harlottesq, one at that. when she did not manage to break the production i had the arduous task of making up for all the time she squandored while making empty promises and lies that she had actually done what she was supposed to , aka pulling her end of the duties. starting with the booking of the auditorium, and casting the show. i had gotten that done after what amounts to pulling teeth, and had amassed myself a schedule that provided a full week for building set, and then another two for rehaersals and getting the music and rigging the lights, that would need to be brought from my personal collection at home because they didnt come standard in our system. but then last week , i learned that they moved the date up to four days after the spring musical ... which i was already splitting my time with because im in that as well as being the god like figure captaining this show. the date for the presentations of the whole damned thing was now moved to may 11th , MY damn ship has been sunk . i may not graduate now because i have nothing prepared, simply because i now have no time because they moved things to a date that is a full month ahead of when it was originally all to be due, i was already going to be cutting it close because of the fact that i have been job searching rehearsing, trying to simply keep myself alive, and get all my classwork done and this , now i learn that they move the damn date up to before the only time i was able to get the auditorium, and i now have no product no mentor only two meetings with my advisor ,.... basically meaning the portfolio portion of the grade is completely gone and im going to have to pull something out of my ass or fail my last year of high school because of some stupid guinea pig program they instituted recently thats going to be the deciding factor as to wether or not you get a diploma the whole time we were working on it theyve been changing the guidlines and ive been struggling to work around it but now i have literally no time. to do any of the things i had planned and i will probably not have actors because they all have lives, and arent going to give up the only time i would now have to get in a single rehearsal which i would have to film to prove we actually did something. The only thing the school system where i live has ever tried to do is to churn out future medical students future teahcers and future ass kissing assistants to future ceos. But if you want to have a life that has any substance or meaning im sorry but your going to have to do all this without a diploma good luck getting the part time job you need to keep your happy as off the streets and fed because thats no longer happening because weve decided to fuck you over one last time before your finally free, we saved the best for last, and the best part is you could have either dropped out or graduated early last year, and been fine because you would have ended up in the same fucking place but now your future is ruined and weve wasted your present hahahahahahahah. to this i say FUCK YOU ALAMANCE BURLINGTON SCHOOL SYSTEM AND FUCK FUCK FUCK < MURDER< AND FUCK YOUR CORPSE WITH A TWO FOOT DISEASED MAGGOT COVER DICK whoever inveted the graduation project, i swear to god i may fucking have 20 pounds left from starvation by the time i get that bare foot of mine in the door but when im on top , i swear im going to use my hard earned influence to get kids to drop out and when they do noone will pay your checks and you will all know the struggles im now going to have to face. ..... so if there was ever any doubt this is why i smoke like a freight train, and drink so much , and am probably destined to have a crippling bout with alcoholism, EDUCATION HAS BEEN A COMPLETE WASTE OF MY FUCKING TIME NOW ALL THINKS TO A FEW JACKASSES WHO MAKE TOO FUCKING MUCH MONEY AND HAVE LOST ALL TOUCH WITH REALITY AND FEEL LIKE PLAYING GOD WELLL SINCERELY FUCK YOU ALL