Chapter Thirty Nine: what goes around gets around

I've spent so much time being bitter over things that haven't gone my way, i realized earlier from almost dying in 2012 that self pity is meaningless, and i started living life the way i should have been, focusing more on helping people and living out my dreams, i took a lot of crap this year from the universe. I've lost a lot of dear friends and family. but somewhere along the lines i earned enough good karma or found the right path by following my heart that i earned the privilege of meeting the most amazing person ever. just thinking about him makes my heart flutter. I see heaven in his eyes, it feels terrible to know all i can offer him is my heart and a smile.He's so beautiful that those two things are more valuable than gold to him, and he said i love you first which makes me know it wasn't just him saying it because i said it. have you ever met that one that makes you forget all about every other impacting relationship in your life that tore your heart? I couldn't be happier and i've only known him for about three weeks including the two weeks i spent courting him before driving to charlotte and spending new years with him and the entire week which was to follow. The most amazing week of my life. I have renewed faith in humanity and nothing else matters to me but his smile. have you ever felt that way. and How did i get so lucky to deserve someone so perfect i cant help but to smile :)

 
 and these are the songs that almost describe the level of emotional ennui that i feel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TF_xFlBXBfY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pTLnlkrCK8c
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRYNYb30nxU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMiVeK5zGz8

Chapter Thirty Eight: Our Rainbow Of Discontent

I'm so tired of waiting for my life to begin
I keep growing weary and the air is growing thin
My skin is getting Paler and my eyes are caving in
I don't know where I'm starting but i just might
step out into the darkness and ignite
would anyone miss me when the sparks stop falling
would anyone notice when the I'm exploding
and the world stops glowing?
would you notice in my absence
that your missing something right
did you notice in the shadows
that your world is less bright
do you seem to care that i vanished into thin air
did you even feel it when i slipped into your despair
no one ever asked why i kept my rib cage open
there's only so many ways a heart can be broken
and i'd feel it all for you, for you, i'd swallow the ocean
and you never blinked when you watched me slip away
you never noticed i was missing and you never looked away
a feeling so intensely can be so easily dismissed
as a color in the rainbow of our shallow discontent
and you never even asked why i left my chest torn open
there's only so many ways that a heart can be broken
and i'd feel it all for you, for you, i would swallow the ocean
and now the world is dimmer as you move further now away
and i'm calling softly after but you can't hear me say
as i ask "am i, your anything?"

--
I keep falling in and out of love with life. People keep fading in and out and i'm only coming through in waves
the reception is getting fuzzier the signals have decayed, or maybe i'm just dreaming, or maybe i'm awake but i cannot tell quite clearly whats genuine whats fake, and in my wildest dreaming i could not foresee this amplifying emptyness that makes its home in me. with everyday i grow colder with everyday more bleak. the universe is fading to pastel as we say farewell to vibrance and ennui -

i weep for the lost friends, and take joy in the day as i feel less and less blessed and more and more plagued.

Chapter 37: all that glitters is not gold.

Its been almost 4 months since i last spoke to Austen. And theres nothing left but a blackhole where a heart once was. I dont know wha it is about me that always falls for the unavialable, but it sickens me to know that for whatever reason i was not good enough. But someone else, who i dont know, who probably is a really nice person, is. But that person isn't me. It seems to be my lot in life that the moment i become attached is when things go to hell in a handbasket for me. I'm the proverbial last stop on the bus before you get to happily ever after. I could have been the best thing ever, that could have been my be all end all. But now what could have been is a pile of ashe smoldering away as what was is no more. I did nothing whatsoever, forgave when others would condemn, loved when most would have left, and cared when noone else would give a damn. And still it was all for naught as i watched with my own two eyes as what was my reason for living was so frivelously traded away and regarded as nothing of value. I will never understand what it is about me that makes other people think i'm disposable but i know i will not allow myself to care again. not for a long time at least. My soul burns red with regret and anger, that i was not good enough, when i was the best i could be. Why wasn't it enough, and why does everything i touch turn to shit. I guess some things i will never comprehend, one thing i try to understand but keep coming up with no answers for. It vexes me that i have no answers to explain to myself what went wrong, perhaps nothing went wrong perhaps i was clinging to something that was never destined to be. But how could that be, when it was the closest thing to real that i've ever seen? I cry to the universe "is there hope out there for me" or am i just destined forever to dance in misery?

Chapter Thirty Six :Love and morphine

I've been out of the hospital for almost a week now. Im still not able to lift any thing over 5lbs by order of the doctor but i can do most everything else. Im home bound for the while but soon enough life will return to something like it used to be. But i will never be the same. Whatever god or force that saved us that night has a plan. And I beg to know what that is. Its amazing how when you come so close to dying even those you were distanced from the ones that truely care come back to your aid in a heart beat. Before that fateful night i was almost certain Austen and I were a thing of the past. But the moment i started to doubt my chances of making it i asked for him out of instinct. After my mom and family had arrived he was the first person i wanted there. Much to my surprise he wanted to be there to. Maybe it was the morphine talking maybe it was the mindset that i might easily slip into deaths cold embrace at any moment. But i confessed i loved him. After two days of non stop visitation he had to leave. And ive missed him every moment since. I cant go a day without talking to him via text message or i feel an emptyness. I dont know how it happened but i care about him as i have for only one other person in the past before. Brian. I feel it stronger than with anyone else ive been with since, even David zich, i thought i was in love with David , as it turns out i was just very well played as he intended. But Austen doesnt play games ( outside of the bedroom), my mom doesnt like him very much because were not exclusive but something tells me thats only a matter of time. For whatever reason we keep falling back together, initially what started as a one night stand ended up becoming something ....real. Were highly compatible ( were both pisces) we have so much in common and yet so much to learn from each other. Its odd how someone thats so not my usual type has become someone that i cant stop thinking about no matter how hard i try. I think it may e that ive found someone that i need to stay with for a while. And yet another thing thats pulling me away from north carolina. I talked to Brittany about it today, she only remembers the way we were before the accident, she told me to e cautious, as he didnt want a relationship with me before. But now it feels as if something has changed, i think hes realized that we both have a lot to offer each other and i think he knows now that im true to who i am, and i would only do right by him. And whatever scars he carries from past relationships i can help mend. But that i am worthy of letting in, and wont hurt him like so many others have hurt him because i know what its like. But for now im fine with undefined. One day god willing it will be more.

Chapter Thirty Five: Its alive

Its been a while since my last post. I was driving with Britany as our usual routine goes. We had gotten a pack of cigarettes at our usual kangaroo, then proceeded to the big city of greensboro. we went over the railroad tracks and such , and down through the city. We took a eft turn down friendly, the last thing i remember passing under was the mendenhall intersection. then we sat at a light for a little bit. I felt uneasy and poppe my feet up upon the dashboard. Then i saw the lights headed towards us. I turned to Brittany about ot say watch out. But as soon as i turned. I felt the cars collide with great force. I can still hear the screeching tires the twisting metal and exploding glass. And suddenly the time passed slower than the shards and shattered glass flying around us. I held my breath close within my chest as i felt the impact force it from my grip. It felt like a sack of hammers to the stomach. The smooth chill of the gas as it passed by my upperlip, the carress of the dash as it collided with both our skulls. the cocophony of silence that precluded that moment will live in memory forever as a haunting reminder. we embraced the night air as the last death bell rang out in the distant that surrounded our shrouds of metal wreckage. nothing human could describe the horrific view i saw. I felt myself gasping for the breath i had held for so long, i slowly regained it and tore off the seatbelt. I looked to my left and my right trying to see though my visions were blurring. I turned and looked at Brittany and saw her lying lifelss next to me. blood trickling down her nose and from her mouth. I called out her name she didnt answer. i slapped her cheek to wake her. she did not revive. I felt her neck she had a pulse. i tried to help her out. I felt around the steering panel and felt a gap where the dash met the wheel. I pulled with all my might, lacerating my hands. A stranger had come upon the window asking me questions i continued trying to save my friend. I thought she was going to die right there and it scared the hell out of me. I remember echoing back call 911. and get an ambulance she has a pulse. but shes not conscious. And then being forced to shimmy out of the gap in the vehichle at the threat that it would explode with me in it. I must have repeated myself a million times that night. as if in some eternal test. I called for my mother on the roadside. and then i called for my brother who lived close. we were taken to moses cone hospital not far from the collision. the entire highway shut down. The whole way asking myself why i was the only one who had survived to witness all of this horror. And then we arrived at the hospital. I was still picking glass from myself. and i suddenly doubled over in pain. they had me through the CT scan at least 4 times before they found the source of the pain was my perforated abdomine. I saw my mom for a few moments of shocking reveal before they set me up for surgery. I remember telling them to put my priortiy level after Brittany knowing she would need assistance faster and i could hang on for a decade. I went in for surgery. and dreamt in blcak for hours until i came to. I awoke surrounded by my mother brother Victor and my sister. I had requested Austen be called before the surgery began , and much to my surprise he walked in. Its been four or five days and the memory is still as fresh as the glass in my hair. or the staples in my stomach, but i looked at the wreckage photos and still have to wonder how it is we survived. Perhaps theres not a fairy tale on the other side of death. maybe there is , but somethings out there watching and it wants me to live. Im just glad i could assist my friend. people keep saying i saved her life. but i cant seem to agree. I just wish it had never happened. I have never been more scared in my life before. and not of the death but of something different. i cant put my finger on.

Chapter Thirty Four: Scattering the ashes

Picking up the pieces is hard enough, but not as hard as sallowing the pride that drives you. Driving you with the desire to take the shards and hurl them, instead of putting them back into position so fragile that it wears on your skin like an antique wedding dress. It's been a while and time drags by but it does not disappoint. I havent written anything on the show past the death of blakes character and storyline. Ive got a grand total of half an episode, and over a month and a half ( i think) has passed. Partly because i have nothing more to say that hasn't already been said, but also because i need to rethink my approach on spectrum. My storyline cant take up the focus of a story like that. I only bring this up because i made such realizations at about 5:30 today. I was with Birttany going to barnes and noble and who do you think was lurking amongst the aisles of overpriced teen romance novels and other indesclosable filth. "hey you guys" she smugly greeted from behind. There were two distinct emotions radiating from her voice. one was intimidation, the other outward defiance. the type of distinct resonance that comes from someone when they are enticing someone but know they are asking to get their ass kicked. I responded coldly "hi" in unison with Brittany and walked away. there was no hatred welling up. no butterflies in my stomach restraining me from saying the most belittling viscious things i could imagine on the spot. Just an empty vaccum where once there was the will to care either way. It was as if i was saying hello to the whispers of the wind. It dawned upon me that i have finally reached the antiphasis of realization that Im beyond petty things. Its been a wierd time for me. I feel as though im just starting to grasp the sense that their is some meaning to everything, and perhaps im supposed to be here. But life keeps throwing curve balls at me. My car broke down on friendly and i had to have it towed. work is working me all day everyday. i had a pet squirrel it died. And the day i got my car back i almost caught the house on fire.

Needless to say worrying about the mellodrama of Blake is the least important item on my to do list. Or david zich for that matter. I had the displeasure of encountering him for what im assuming will be the last time. I find it rather humorous that he is on Adam 4 Adam browsing when he supposedly found his alledged soul mate. I cant deny that things are challenging. But it feels as though im in a bizzarre place where i dont care about finding anything, and at the same time, i feel most alone, most understood. Truely i am the veteran of the discard pile, forever unclaimed. Forever sifted over rejected. I refuse to get my hopes up on happy change, i no longer think it can exist for me. I find it ironic, ive stopped quite a few of the people i know from commiting suicide, but cant find a valid arguement for why i shouldnt end my life. I hope to god theres a reason for being here. I would hate to think that death is such a bad shot.

Chapter Thirty Three: Stronger than yesterday

In my last post, i was on the verge of what could have been the most ignorant move i ever made. I was close to getting attached emotionally with Austen. Although i severely miss cuddling and having sex with him, I'm happy my brain caught up to my heart who was going a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction. I did end up getting emotionally attached, but in a less self harming way. Im glad i stopped before i fell in love. I had the unfortunate conversation with Austen, where i asked him whether or not, it was worth exloring, and heres what he responded. "your really sweet dusitn, and i do believe we have a lot in common, but i dont see you as more than a friend, your a really great guy and i definitely think of you as more than a booty call, but believe when i say im just not boyfriend material, i still want to be your friend and i understand if you want to cut the benefits no hard feelings". A part of me was hurting and a part of me was free. I felt so close to him, i shared more than just my time and my body with him. I shared a small part of my soul, and he wasn't afraid to accept me as i was. I really liked this one, primarily because i saw so much of myself reflected in him. so of course i felt defeated. But in the end, i know he wants to go back home to D.C. eventually and im not going to be in a position to do that, im not ever going to be in a position to make someone choose between me and their dreams. And i dont know if i could have gone on longer with him, and not fallen for him head over heels, and then if we broke up i would have been devestated. not long ago after this conversation i set up an Adam4Adam account. It Blew Uppppp. Lots of creepy older guys, quite a few young lovelies. I also saw whilst browsing some surprising developments including, old acquaintences, and some nefarious characters, whose identities i have previously disclosed in prior chapters. Namely David Zich. I find it THOROUGHLY amusing, that he was preaching how he'd found his soulmate ( twice mind you) after fucking me over royaly, and flaunting his presumed mutual happiness, and yet, he was cruising on Adam4Adam . But i digress . The horizons arent as bleak and meaningless and vindictively satisfying as it would seem, there is genuinely good news. I met a very cute emo guy, by the name of Tony. We talked a lot, and instead of exchanging pictures of our genetalia as is apparantly the custom on such a website. We exchanged meaningful conversations and poetry, after a few days, we exchanged phone numbers. we texted everyday for the next week and a half to two weeks. ( i dont keep good track of time elapsed or else ill realize how long ive been on the planet without advancing very much) We finally went on a date last night, I met him for coffee at starbucks and we watched the vow, it was the most normal run of the mill date experience. I never thought i could enjoy that. We talked even more, he was much cuter in person, and such a gentleman, he drove me to and fro, and payed my way, even though i had money and would have been more than happy to do so myself. At the end of the night, we hugged and kissed and said goodbye and i felt fulfilled, and i hadn't gone back to his place or degraded myself I was proud of myself for such restraint, but even more amazed that even though i knew he wanted to go farther, he didnt persue it. ( i wont disclose how i know this lets just say i know based upon certain developments shall we say. ) It was absolutely adorable. Im definitely seeing Tony again sometime very soon. I will try my best to keep from being a slut, but im definitely lying if i said i didnt want to. But i think this one may be someone to hold on to